The affluent borough of Notting Hill in West London, where one of the area's most famous residents, leader of the
Conservative Party David Cameron, finds himself the victim of a growing revolt from back-bedroom relatives on
the subject of the family’s regular summer trip abroad.
“David has committed himself to a clear and coherent policy on this matter.” Shadow Home Secretary David
‘Davey’ Davis told Home Defence this morning. “Possible destinations were discussed back in February with his
deputy [wife Samantha] before they settled on the Greek island of Mykonos. Neither party envisaged problems
pushing this proposal through the house, but they didn’t count on a grass-roots rebellion from the very people
both expected to be most supportive of this decision, a splinter faction led by the Camerons’ daughter; Nancy
Indeed, after the household’s destination for August was formally announced, in a prodigious display of
resourcefulness her father says ‘would usually have been quite admirable’ the four-year old Nancy quickly
utilised her limited knowledge of the Internet (which experts believe has come
about because of the ‘Web-Cam’ her father films himself with 24-hours a day in a
gimmicky bid for votes). Young Nancy Googled the tourist hot spot of Mykonos, and the information she
was able to understand that came up in response led the middle Cameron child to a controversial claim.
“It’s boring.” Nancy told her mother. “I want to go to Disneyland, not there.”
When eldest son, Ivan Reginald, who is six years old and suffers from cerebral palsy, indicated to
observers that he would side with his sister, the Cameron parents had a full scale revolt on their hands.
With youngest offspring, Arthur Elwen (2), too young to be given the responsibility of a deciding vote, the
Camerons found themselves in a quandary, and were shocked to hear their daughter repeat the word
‘referendum’ endlessly. It seems she picked the word up through daddy’s almost pathological usage on
television and in parliament, and this left the disgruntled adults with no choice but to let the public decide.
David Cameron or ‘Diddy’ (41) initially became leader of the Conservative opposition in 2005 despite not
being a real politician, employing the very 21st century campaign slogan of ‘Style Over Substance!’ Diddy
David’s speech-making skills and subsequent rebranding of the Tory Party as a caring, environmental
friendly funhouse that in no way hates poor people or foreigners, along with his willingness to jump on any
passing bandwagon, have led to a Conservative lead in the polls and speculation he will become the UK’s
next Prime Minister (making him our first ever PM to possess no actual political beliefs). David and
Samantha are jointly worth over thirty million pounds, usually surround themselves with other Old
Etonians, and are loved by the rich and selfish the nation over, appealing to people who prefer their politicians to
be young and attractive rather than actually standing for something. Indeed, as recently as last week, nothing
was capable of halting Diddy Cameron’s unstoppable rise, not until now.
“I could have predicted something like this would happen.” Current Prime Minister and taciturn Scot Gordon
Brown told HDUK. “If you will keep demanding a referendum on spurious issues every time someone mentions
Europe in the House of Commons it’s going to backfire on you eventually. The next thing you know, all your
enemies in parliament, every disillusioned Conservative MP, and even your own blood kin are using the same
tactic against you. Quite apt really isn’t it?”
Over the past six months the pathologically Eurosceptic (or ‘Xenophobe’) Conservative
Party, spearheaded by Cameron, has demanded an uninterested British public be given their say on twenty-one
different technical or organizational alterations to the EU Treaty. These include several small-time reforms, a
power transfer from one nondescript Belgian guy to another nondescript Belgian guy and, in one instance, a
minor change to punctuation. However, this approach has backfired on Diddy, with a public outcry over his
dismissive reaction to Nancy Cameron’s proposition. According to the Daily Mirror, Mr. Cameron told his
daughter “there will be no referendum on your holiday!” and she "should go to her room immediately”.
With outrage growing at grass-roots level and accusations of hypocrisy in the press,
Cameron has now been forced to soften his stance, telling the papers there is no
truth in the rumour he is scared voters would back the Cameron children over him, even though one is ‘differently
abled’ and therefore instantly sympathetic. Following a Conservative ‘rethink’, the British people are expected to
go to the polls in June to decide this issue, a time frame that should give the family enough leeway to book their
vacation once the public have decided from the following three voting options: Mykonos, Disneyland Paris and
‘just stay at home and play X-box’.
The turnout for this referendum is expected to be as high as it would be for any Europe-related
ballot with pollsters MORI projecting between 8% and 11% of those eligible to vote will do so,
mainly those Brits who feel most strongly about the issue (i.e. racists).
Over the coming weeks the Cameron children will hit the campaign trail, in direct opposition to their parents.
Meanwhile Home Defence asked the current Prime Minister where he would like to see his long-time adversary
holiday in 2008.
“I’m not sure,” Brown mused. “I’ll probably plump for Kosovo or Chechnya. Maybe Belarus. Wherever David’s
most likely to be imprisoned. Or shot.”
