To the European Commission in Brussels, where today British Prime Minister ‘Diddy’ David Cameron, has formally ratified the latest in a series of
spectacular u-turns by his coalition government.
“I honestly think Dave didn’t expect it to go this far.” Spectator journalist, Darius Plebageddon (left) told Home Defence over a large
bottle of brandy in his hotel room. “But with UKIP taking a quarter of the vote at the recent local elections, and growing pressure from
the Conservative party’s extreme right-wing, Cameron felt his hand being forced.”
“This new legislation, passed by an incredibly awkward Queen who clearly didn’t want to be there, is one final effort to appease rabid
Europhobes and immigrant obsessives everywhere. It includes bills that prevent foreign children from receiving health care, as well as
a special border force of moonlighting bouncers, tasked with keeping out anyone ‘a bit Romany’.” Mr Plebageddon went on. “This is
all very well, but it isn’t enough for the sixty-something, upper-middle class Englishmen fulminating out in the shires. Nothing ever
“At the time, bringing the promised EU referendum forward from 2018 to the end of May must have seemed like calling the bluff of
the noisy xenophobes.” Darius concluded with a rueful smile. “Dave probably thought the overwhelming majority of British citizens
would see the benefits of European Union membership and vote ‘in’. Then it was problem solved. Unfortunately things didn’t quite
work out like that.”
Indeed, there quickly followed a campaign from pro-unioners, secretly backed by treasury money, to lay out the positives, including
cheaper flights and mobile calls, equal opportunities for all, and the free movement of goods through the single market with minimal red tape. Unfortunately, these arguments were out-shouted by a group of ruddy-cheeked bumpkins led by Nigel Farage, wielding placards that depicted monstrous Bulgarian pickpockets targeting
honest, salt of the earth Brits, as cherubic blonde children cried tears of pure horror.
Come the day, and many moderate or pro-EU citizens were too busy looking after the kids or doing overtime in a desperate effort to
pay the bills, and the referendum slipped from their minds. This allowed UKIP and their affiliates, including the hardline English
Defence League and rising Anders Breivik Party, to coerce a blinkered middle England minority to the polling stations, using
intimidation where necessary. Of the votes subsequently cast, 87% proved in favour of Britain leaving the EU, on a 12% overall
“At last, the people have spoken! They can’t ignore us now!” Full-time ‘message board warrior’ and
ABP secretary Keith Portaloo whooped over a cigar at the celebration party as, nearby, Nigel Farage did that guffawing muppet face he
does. “This amounts to a victory for brave Englishmen (and a few token women) everywhere. Men who are a long way from the first
flush of youth. Men who remember their country’s past as idyllic and immigrant-free, even if it wasn’t. These are proud men, men with
second homes on the continent and plenty tucked away for a rainy day. Men like me, who refuse to allow changes to the real world
affect our beliefs. Men everywhere, who would rather stay out of the cities, thank you very much.”
Portaloo gave a shudder as, nearby, some fat white fellows formed a conga line. “Make no mistake.” He continued. “This solves everything - everything. An ‘out’ vote will fix it all; the economy, crime, homelessness, and, most importantly, our self-image. We can start by deporting everyone who isn’t a true Brit, then put up a wall to
stop the Eastern Europeans getting in. After that we shall take our proud land back to the days before immigration. When was
that? The nineteen fifties? Earlier? I’d have to check. Whenever it was, people tell me everything was great back then.”
At this point Home Defence was distracted by what appeared to be a walking skeleton but which, on closer inspection, turned
out to be Lord Tebbit, one of Britain’s most renowned racists, off to marry his own son in a civil partnership.
“We need to look at the smaller picture here: what do I want?” Keith (topless, right)
went on, now visibly drunk on good scotch. “The final solution would be to reduce net
immigration to zero, and that, in turn, means full employment for all Caucasian, Anglo-Saxon men from my post code, along
with anyone who can trace their lineage to this neighbourhood. As for women, I don’t really care about them. They’re meant to
be in the kitchen, or looking after the babbies.”
HDUK put it to Mr Portaloo that only someone with a weak sense of self or the profoundly insecure could be threatened by
hardworking arrivals from other lands. Besides, Keith couldn’t actually name any of these ‘British blokes’ who were supposedly
having their jobs stolen and, even outside the EU, it’s impossible to safeguard against a foreigner marrying your daughter. At
this point Mr Portaloo went pale and threatened to “fight” us before giving up a salute, breaking into a chorus of “Rule Britannia - Britannia Rules the Waves!” and passing
out on a retired Colonel called Alfred.
Meanwhile, over in Brussels, the Prime Minister’s announcement that Britain would no longer be part of the EU ‘cartel’ was met
with a collective shrug from the remaining twenty-six member states, who then collectively turned their backs and began talking
among themselves, as if the puffin-faced one didn’t even exist. What happened next was all-too predictable.
“Turns out there are all sorts of benefits to being in the European Union nobody understood at the time. They were too busy
imagining waves of scary ‘benefit tourists’.” A weary looking Darius Plebageddon told us the next day. “Coming out doesn’t
save much; EU expenditure only amounts to 1% of our government spending. The PM’s been up all night, trying to negotiate
trade agreements with countries where the EU has laws in place, but the US won’t take Dave’s calls. ‘Too busy’ apparently.”
In the months to follow, Britain is expected to evolve into a very different place, with the rescinding of ‘harmful’ EU restrictions on landfill
dumping, water, air quality and overtime. Corporations are now expected to step up their fly-tipping, despoiling rivers, adding harmful
substances to food, atmospheric pollution, and forcing employees to work seventy hour weeks.
Meanwhile, Britain’s diplomatic role in world affairs has been “utterly obliterated”, and the deluge of bureaucracy the EU had previously
banned makes it harder to export goods, leaving a hole the likes of Turkey and Germany have rushed to fill. Indeed, many companies
are now electing to close factories and move abroad, fed up with Britain’s inability to maintain
international relations. This has led to a surge in the trade deficit, an increase in our national
debt, and a weakening of the pound, all of which may well bring about an all-but-fatal crash by the end of next week.
Despite this, Farage and the Breivik Party were unrepentant, with a hungover Keith Portaloo updating us by text:
“This is the first step in our mission to end globalisation! We’ve taken Great Britain back! It won’t be long before brave UK
workers turn it around and make our country self-sufficient again. Hey, how come all the shops are empty?”
