Hollywood, California, where the head of Paramount Pictures, Zaftig Reisling, today announced a surprise
choice to helm troubled teen starlet Lindsay Lohan’s next picture, the former democratic nominee for President
and long-time environmental campaigner, Al Gore.

“We need an experienced and calm pair of hands at the wheel of our flagship Spring comedy ‘Promblem Girl.”
Wheezed the 96-year old studio boss in a recent interview with Variety magazine. “Lindsay’s had her difficulties
of late, that’s been very well publicised, but Al knows all about teenagers and what they can get up to. After the
success of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ we see our new movie - aimed at the PG-13 demographic - as an
excellent opportunity to give Mr. Gore his first shot at fictional film-making, something to follow up on the hit
global warming expose. The accusation, which has been advanced by some in the business, that Al was so
eager to get a key to the ‘dream factory’ that he agreed to work for a tiny proportion of Lohan’s fee, a figure that
is effectively peanuts, is a scurrilous rumour and cannot be substantiated. I’ve seen to that.”

Winner of the 2006 Best Documentary Oscar, ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ is now the third highest grossing factual film ever in the U.S., with receipts hitting $49 million following a standing ovation at the self-consciously non-mainstream Sundance film festival last year. Both the flick’s writer and star, Al Gore was vice-President under Bill Clinton before losing the 2000 election to George W. Bush and his hanging chads. The has-been hopeful recently gave notice he intends to move further into the entertainment industry, turning down a number of speaking engagements on Climate Change and the Kyoto agreement on the grounds that “they won’t help me get my damn projects made”. Gore has also found time to escort ridiculously named wife Tipper to the gala opening of the summer’s shittest comedy, ‘Evan Almighty’.

“Al’s keen to get away from his stuffy image as a reliably dull liberal campaigner-cum-washed up Presidential 
candidate and move into the glitzy stardust of the world’s finest motion picture industry.” Gore’s newly 
appointed Hollywood agent, Max ‘Kanger’ Roos, confirmed. “When word got out my client was looking to make 
a big budget star vehicle, names like Ethan Hawke and Jim Carrey were queuing up to work with him, but 
ultimately everyone’s happy with Al’s choice of project, this is one that takes him to the next rung on his 
career ladder, a ladder Al’s scaling all the way to the top! It’s no more mister nice guy for Gore these days, 
he’s taking a lead from alpha male auteurs like Oliver Stone or Billy Friedkin. In the words of my client: “If that 
condom full of walnuts Schwarzenegger can get into politics, there’s no reason I can’t go the other way! It’s 
time to make the Gore brand synonymous with popcorn-selling blockbuster thrill rides!” Actually, I made that 
up. But he is really keen.”

However, those involved in the world of Green politics that Gore has left behind wonder aloud (and sometimes
into tape recorders), whether this chairman of a small-time operation like ‘Current TV’ might have bitten off more
than he can swallow with wild-child Lohan, the 21 year old former child model and soap opera actress who has
carved out a niche for herself as a perky bimbo in such filmic milestones as ‘Freaky Friday’ and ‘Herbie Fully
Loaded’. Miss Lohan has been in and out of rehab like some kind of fucked-up yoyo during recent months, with
the tabloids salivating over her every move. Meanwhile her appearance on movie sets has remained intermittent
at best, the drunken cokehead preferring to party with the similarly vapid and desperate media-whore likes of
Nicole Ritchie and the filthy Hiltons. Indeed, after failing to understand that drink and drugs impair a person’s
basic motor functions, Lohan has clocked up several car crashes a year since 2005, and is now desperately in
need of both a hit movie, and helpers who are canny enough to keep her out of prison.

“That’s why ‘Promblem Girl’ is such a perfect fit for Lindsay.” Roos enthused when Home Defence raised the 
subject of her behaviour. “It offers Miss Lohan a chance for personal and professional redemption, starring as 
the hated class bad girl who undergoes an epiphany while watching a TV programme about drowning polar 
bears and reinvents herself as a spunky teen dingbat, utilising her mastery of high school cliques to organise 
a massive ‘bikini carwash’ and raise much-needed money towards carbon offsetting. The role will provide 
Lindsay with some serious gravitas, as her character goes on a compelling journey from evil blonde 
airhead to slightly more globally aware airhead with fantastic breasts. By the time of this film’s climactic 
prom scenes, Lindsay’s character has learned there are more important things in life than being popular or finding new ways to torment her less attractive schoolmates. Things like melting icecaps or population displacement. So when Lohan uses her makeover skills to beautify the mousy class nerdette at the movie’s finale, helping her former enemy win over the guy Lindsay’s secretly in love with, there won’t be a dry eye in the house!”

Only time will tell whether this cinematic opus, on which Paramount have gambled so much, will blossom into
the hit Lohan and Gore so desperately need to advance their respective careers. But early scuttlebutt is
overwhelmingly positive, with Lohan fan-sites welcoming the news as “awesome” because Al Gore is “like,
sooooo cool”. Meanwhile Harry Crews of ‘Ain’t It Cool News’ has published an early draft of the screenplay on
his Hollywood insider website, coming to the conclusion that; “this flick can’t help but be delightfully idiotic!”
In the background, pre-production continues apace - the studio has retained a team of counsellers to keep
Lohan clean and sober, while Gore works with Melissa Etheridge on the original soundtrack, despite no
evidence of musical talent on his part. In fact, during a recent interview, Etheridge 
characterised their joint creative process as deceptively simple: “Al hums something, I 
pretend not to ignore it, then I forget everything he came up with and write a song.” 

Pressed for an opinion over the phone, An Inconvenient Truth’s director Davis Guggenheim initially proved 
unaware of his former collaborator’s new project. However, once we explained details of the ‘Promblem Girl’ 
concept to him, Guggenheim remained unable to give us a quote because he was laughing too hard. This 
went on for several minutes, he then hung up.  

with Al Likilla

Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Success Of ‘An 
Inconvenient Truth’ Leads 
To Al Gore Directing Gig 
On New Lindsay Lohan 

Zaftig Reisling - a spry nonagenarian.
Al in a scene from his previous box office hit.
Lohan hard at work on-set.
Gore's hard-nosed agent 'Kanga' Roos.

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