The American Midwest, and a specially-assembled crack team of
clergymen led by the Archbishop of Canterbury have captured America's
only gay cleric in a shocking dawn raid. Their action took place around 5am local time and centred on an Episcopalian church near the Colorado/Utah border. This building lay at the centre of the small town which had been sheltering Bishop Gene Robinson for a number of weeks, in spite of opposition from an angry mob of locals who gathered every morning to repeatedly shout "fornicating pig" and "The Homo Bishop" in the general direction of God's safe house.
Come daybreak on the 22nd May and eyewitnesses report five mercenaries under the command of Dr. Rowan Williams abseiling down the side of the picturesque chapel, smashing several stained glass windows and throwing teargas inside. Moments later a disorientated Robinson wandered out of the entranceway, burbling something about "my boyfriend Mark" and holding a lacy handkerchief to his streaming eyes. Before outsiders could react the world's first gay Bishop was bundled into a modified transit van by balaclava-wearing clerics and driven to a nearby airfield where a jet emblazoned with the legend "doing God's work" in flaming letters was idling, ready for the gang's daring getaway to an unconfirmed destination.
This thrilling abduction ends months of speculation as to what action the Christian church would
take against Vicky 'Gene' Robinson, whose consecration as Bishop of New Hampshire in 2003
threatened to destroy the communion, according to a bunch of English Archbishops. Early 2004
saw a series of crisis meetings at Lambeth Palace, London, as the head honchos of the Western
world's richest religion discussed issues of pink ordination and ate canapés. The bigwigs concluded
that their worries were well-founded, these conventions culminating in the view that an accomplished
homosexual practicing his beliefs from within could "tear at the very fabric of the church", lead to
schisms between progressives and fundamentalists, and even making ordinary churchgoing folk
doubt the Lord and his baby Jesus. Not to mention those stories in the bible where a lady turns into
salt and some bloke gets swallowed by a fish, plus that one in Numbers where God talks to Balaam
through a donkey.
Back then the only statement from clergy to press came in the form of an announcement that everyone involved with the Church had agreed to join forces and stop each other from acting effeminately. However, recent events seem to have confirmed speculation this was just a cover story obscuring more drastic action. As England's leading Vicar analyst, and the author of Queer Power Starts With The Church Organist - A History of Methodist Closet Cases, Barry Twinkle, told HDUK:
"Clearly what's now becoming apparent is that those meetings had a hidden agenda. Your English Archbishop was secretly vetting his colleagues for their skills and loyalty. No doubt Rowan's plan was already formed, but to fulfill it he had to draw out specialist clergymen from around the world. Now we see how Williams chose to recruit only those with the abilities suited to a daylight kidnap-cum-siege of this nature. One can only marvel at the Archbishop's balls."
And Home Defence can exclusively reveal details of that team Twinkle mentions thanks to
our 'God-mole' on the inside of organised religion. Williams' crack five man squad contained
international anti-gay Bishops operating at the very top of their game. First up came local
boy, Nigel McCulloch, the Bishop of Manchester and a renowned reconnaissance expert
who first tracked Gene down and laid the groundwork for their mission. Meanwhile weapons
expert and Primate of Nigeria, Peter Akinola, a man who refuses to be in the same room as
a shirtlifter, was left in charge of ballistics and artillery. The Reverend Ben "Pretty Boy" Patterson, London's leading celebrity cleric and a former Olympic gymnast, employed his bendiness and ability to seduce attractive women to gain important information and a knowledge of staff movements at the safe church. Finally, opposition from members of the left-wing U.S. Episcopal Church which sheltered Robinson were nullified by local boy made good Fred Phelps, the Kansas Baptist minister famed throughout America for his "God Hates Fags" line of clothing and an expert in hand-to-hand combat who last Thursday appeared on CNN to denounce Bishop Robinson as "a filthy abomination", "the great whoremonger" and "a dirty, dirty boy". Overseeing them all, Archbishop Williams is rumoured to operate as a master of disguise, stories abounding through the neighbourhood in recent days of a swarthy car mechanic or itinerant actor shooting a monster movie, both showing an unexpected interest in the layout of local churches. Indeed, these two immaculately assembled fake personas only raised suspicions due to the Archbishop's insistence on wearing his enormous hat at all times.
Gay pioneer Bishop Robinson has become used to name-calling and death threats over the years, accusations that he is unable to keep naughty urges locked away which have dogged Gene ever since he touched an upset man on the shoulder after a
sermon. But even Robinson couldn't have expected yesterday to begin with gunfire, shrill
screams and the smell of holy water. According to the team's advance plan, exclusively obtained
by Home Defence, after abseiling in, Minister Phelps would have nullified the bishop's minders,
knocking them unconscious with his beefy fists while Primate Akinola gleefully napalmed the
pews yelling "you pooftahs are worse than beasts" in his trademark guttural roar. One can only
imagine Gene's terror as he was forced into a getaway vehicle by McCulloch and Patterson, the
latter flying Robinson off to undergo anti-gay therapy in an attempt to cure his sexual orientation.
The devastation these mercenaries left in their wake was horrendous and bloody, yet the Church
of England is jubilant about the results. In fact, Christianity's P.R. Director for Worship and
Prophesy, Julee Maven, expressed their new found optimism in an interview with Sir David Frost, due to be screened next Sunday morning.
"At last we've brought Christianity back to its God-given status as the world's number one straight faith." Asserted the thirtysomething blonde to her wrinkly, sycophantic interviewer. "Once more the chapels of the world are safe for choirboys, altar lads and the casual visitor who might've come in to pray for a lottery win. This thrilling success should combine with Mel Gibson's incredibly lucrative movie to bring a new credibility into our faith. Subscriptions are up already, and all those exciting special effects in the news reports are bound to get the youngsters coming to our three hour sermons, just you watch."
Dr. Rowans Williams makes his feelings about 'the gays' known at a recent sermon.
Bishop Gene Robinson prior to being de-homosexualised.