To Westminster where, in the wake of the least conclusive General Election in living memory, and following several days of backroom talks
between the main parties, we finally have an outcome that's acceptable to everyone. Literally everyone.
“We’ve decided to put aside things like principles and ideology and work together for the good of this country, or countries, depending on how you look at it.” Co-Prime Minister David
Cameron (pictured left with a hammer) told representatives of the press, flanked by his new Co-Prime Minister Ed Milliband and their five deputy Prime Ministers. “The financial
markets don’t like uncertainty, and some of us have a fortune invested in stocks and shares so, to calm them down, we’ll all be working in harmony. To get the legally required
number of seats to form a government, myself and my friend Ed have decided to construct a comprehensive, universal coalition, including everyone who came first in their
respective constituencies on May 7th, regardless of party affiliation.”
Milliband stepped forward then, adding: “Everyone will have a say in this new world, we guarantee that,” Ed listing, “Nigel, Nick, Nicola, the
Welsh one and that Green woman are politicians I’ve always respected. Me and ‘Diddy Dave’ look forward to working with them all.”
These seven leaders, along with their respective Members of Parliament, are expected to swear oaths of allegiance in the Commons next week, committing themselves to five
years of positive co-operation and a shared vision of Britain as a place capable of reflecting every political stripe and prejudice. After this an allegedly ‘overwhelmed’ Queen is
expected to wave through the formation of her ‘across-the-board’ government very quickly, mainly from a sense of confusion and also because she needs the Prime Ministers
out of her house sharpish to have a rest.
Political Analyst Ant Hominem told HDUK this tactic, of including everyone and everything in sight, was a stroke of genius from a generation of politicians often pilloried
as ‘out of touch’.
“This way everyone gets a chance to dictate policy.” Ant (left) enthused. “Each major party has undertaken to throw away its manifesto and draw up a set of policies to
keep all MPs, from the ridiculously progressive to the horribly superannuated, happy and content.”
“I’ve had a sneak preview,” Mr Hominem informed us. “And this document is really quite something – a three thousand page commitment to both
increase taxation for all, then provide tax breaks across the board shortly afterwards. It’s worded very cleverly, with a set of policies embracing
immigration before cracking down on it, calls for an immediate end to austerity then, over the page, setting out another five years of swingeing cuts. There’s even a section that says an EU
referendum will come in 2017, but the small print below states it’ll be rigged in advance so the UK definitely stays in – let’s hope Farage doesn’t get to that bit!” He laughed.
But not everyone is content with this “potential dictatorship” representing their interests, with demonstrators taking to the streets in the aftermath of an ambiguous General Election, wielding
placards that read: ‘Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth’ and ‘Make a Proper Decision’ and ‘Why The Fuck Is Nigel Farage In Government When His Party Didn't Win a Single Seat?’
In addition, many voters believe these multiple leaders will bring only stasis and bickering, even as Englishmen everywhere express their disgust at the electorate in
countries they’ve never paid attention to, like Wales or Scotland, having a say over the future of England. Others are disillusioned by idealists in the Scottish National
and Plaid Cymru parties, women who have apparently discarded their beliefs for a taste of sweet, sweet power within this new, snappily named,
“Everyone has to make compromises to take this country forward; I found that out the hard way.” Nick Clegg, who is somehow still around, told a Press Conference outside 10 Downing Street while, behind him, bunk beds were moved in to accommodate the new dual-PM / revolving quintet of Deputy PMs, as well as their families. “God
knows, we LibDems were forced to ditch our political beliefs half a decade ago – now everybody knows how it feels.”
“But let’s treat this with the optimism it deserves, having seven leaders of wildly differing beliefs run a single country really is the dream team.”
Nick grinned, the pressure off him for once. “And by ‘Dream Team’, I mean that eighties film about a group of mental patients on the loose
starring Michael Keaton and the guy from Back to the Future.”
“For me, it’s a wonderful state of affairs. I’m still involved, despite leading my party off a cliff. Hopefully there'll be less hatred and vitriol directed toward me specifically, now everyone has
betrayed what they're supposed to stand for.” Clegg pondered. “This new set-up means policies will be constantly tabled, before at least three leaders work to shoot these same initiatives
down. For myself, I’ll be focussed on stopping the inherent evil of the Tories, UKIP and even government itself, as managing a country according to a consistent philosophy no longer
lends itself to getting even basic stuff done, and it's clearly futile.”
“Most of our recent problems, from illegal wars to Universal Credit to privatising the NHS, came about because people in power set out their stall
to actually achieve something.” Nick concluded. “Whether it’s a good idea to take action or not, from today that option is well and truly off the
table. Politicians will have to concentrate on what they’re good at instead, like going on talk shows, or posing for photo-ops.”
But as a wave of unfocussed optimism gripped the country for this new method of governance, it was apparent certain practical problems were already occurring within
the coalition. Not least of these was the absence of MPs to occupy the ‘opposition’ half of parliament, leaving that side empty save for a ball of tumbleweed and Labour
MP Dennis Skinner (right) who appeared to have fallen asleep in the wrong place.
In addition, there is growing uncertainty around that grand tradition of Prime Minister’s Questions, since there isn’t enough room for Cameron and Milliband to stand at
the podium together, side-by-side, and no one is across the house to ask them anything. Some are saying that there’s little point continuing, although David Cameron did
make a decent fist of the first PMQs of this new parliament by answering questions he’d posed himself for half an hour.