To Balmoral Castle in Aberdeenshire. Here the Queen relaxes with her recently reanimated husband between light engagements, enjoying the British media getting caught on
the hop by an announcement from the family’s PR bod, Beryl Pendergast.
“You will all know by now that Queen Elizabeth the Second has become our nation’s longest serving monarch thanks to good genes, many
breakthroughs in medical technology and limitless wealth.” She cooed. “Preparations are now underway to celebrate her ninetieth birthday,
this April, when we plan to give all you peasants a lovely street party or, as Prince Harry calls it, ‘one last blow-out for the blue-bloods’.”
Pendergast went on: “I can now confirm that the Queen has taken a big decision. Once the revelry has died away, her whole family will be taking an ‘indefinite hiatus’ from the
business of reigning over this country. We expect their operations to be wound down by Christmas, with the Queen quoted as wanting “to end this nonsense once and for all”.”
“She hasn’t come to this decision lightly,” Beryl smiled. “But old Queenie is increasingly sympathetic to the view that the Royal Family are an anachronistic embarrassment to Britain, with no place in a modern, 21st century civilization that's supposed to be egalitarian, at least nominally.”
“She also reckons no one’s up to taking over and doing a half-decent job and I reckon the Queen’s probably right.” The PR woman went on. “I mean, do we really want Charles
putting homeopathy wards in every hospital, or talking to visiting dignitaries like they’re plants? Prince Philip’s already told his first-born to forget about being King entirely and try
something with less responsibility, like retiring.”
In fact, once these 90th birthday celebrations conclude, our nation is expected to press ahead with the dissolution of the monarchy, removing tax breaks and confiscating their public
purse by the end of the year. Many Royals will now have to think about getting proper jobs to make ends meet (and no, that doesn’t mean showjumping). This is of particular concern
to Princes Edward and Andrew since, by late summer, traditions like Trooping the Colour or inspecting the hats of the Coldstream Guards’ will be consigned to history. These rulings will
be followed by an official Royal Decree, announcing that there will be no more Royal Decrees.
Stringent Royalists and other intellectual subnormals have reacted with horror to the news, asking why, if Charles is such a bad bet, their favourite parasites can’t skip
a generation and appoint William as King instead, or perhaps his infant son. This suggestion was dismissed by the hierarchy, as Beryl Pendergast explains:
“I’m sure any younger Royal would be great at it. Ruling only involves going to exotic places, reading autocues and wearing a crown while waving.” Beryl told us. “The
trouble is, nobody wants to face Prince Charles over the banqueting table after he’s been passed over for the top job. Imagine Chazza having to ceremonially bow to the
fruit of his loins, when his own son is crowned King before him. Talk about awkward.”
NEWS ROUND UP
with AL Likilla
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
ALL ROUND UPS:
Labour’s Swing To ‘Hard Left’ Continues with Announcement of New Party Members
To the headquarters of the Labour Party, near London’s Euston Square. Here we come to observe the direction of a burgeoning
movement which, under Jeremy ‘Security Risk’ Corbyn, is drifting further from the centre ground of politics and simultaneously
gaining in strength.
“I enjoy a ruck as much as the next man,” squat-bodied Shadow Chancellor and economic Marxist John McDonnell told us in the party’s specially-built Reiki and sparring room. “Since the
right-wing media have latched onto my throwaway phrase and used it to deride the ‘Jez We Can’ movement as hard left I thought, why not capitalise on this recognition factor?”
“The Conservatives and their establishment cronies; Parliamentary whiners I like to call ‘the soft right’, think being anti-privatisation, pro-welfare state and wanting to do something about
inequality makes you ‘hard left’.” McDonnell (left) went on, shadow boxing energetically. “That being the case; I determined to put out some feelers. We needed to see if those men in the
public eye likely to self-identify with such terminology were willing to join our movement. Turns out, they were.”
In a press release this morning, Labour have confirmed the hardest men from the stage, screen and sporting worlds, have now signed up for their cause. These
recruits became card carrying members of the party and will soon take their place at rallies or Community meetings across the country, something that will terrify
lily-livered Blairites everywhere. They include actors Ray Winstone, Vinny Jones and Jimmy Nail - a proper group of ‘Hard Left’ bruisers, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Unfortunately the application of Eastenders star Danny Dyer was turned down and the soap actor is said to be ‘disappointed’ by this. Dyer was refused for not being
sufficiently tough and, on learning of this, Dyer was heard to call Corbyn’s Shadow Cabinet ‘slags’ then slink away in despair, crying like a limp little girl-child.
Media reaction to these developments has been mixed, with Boris Johnson claiming in the Daily Telegraph he could easily have any member of the new ‘Hard Left’ group. Other journalists decry intimidation tactics which have seen the likes of David ‘Davey’ Davies and Jacob Rees-Mogg (left) too scared to enter the House of Commons in case Ross Kemp or Tom Hardy is waiting for them. Others have criticised the Labour
Party’s focus on famous people to up their hardness quota, but the Shadow Chancellor is having none of it.
“Just because those actors and celebrities and cage-fighters we’ve recruited get all the publicity, that doesn’t make them the only ones who’ll be standing
beside me and Jeremy looking surly.” McDonnell explained “I’ve also brought in the landlord of my local pub, Phil, who you really don’t want to mess with, a
teenager called Psycho who goes to school with my son and a gang of bare-knuckle gypsies. Collectively, these men form the new face of ‘The Hard Left’.
None of us are looking for trouble, but we won’t back away from something if it starts.”
As Home Defence was going to press, this collective of ‘Really Hard Leftists’ was already altering the terms of the debate, with Conservative backbenchers
caught jeering Jeremy Corbyn during Prime Minister’s questions quickly shutting up when Jason ‘The Stath’ Statham rose from a bench nearby and stared them out.
Bouncer at Provincial Venue Sees Himself As “First Line of Defence Against ISIS”