To Milan, Italy, where major players in the latest impropriety to beset Silvio Berlusconi’s teetering government have been making statements following multiple accusations of fraternisation with ‘ladies of the night’. For months images of barely-legal supermodels consorting with the Italian Prime Minister have been appearing, leading to allegations Berlusconi would regularly employ showgirls in government because they “looked pretty”. This in turn led to a denunciation from his soon-to-be-ex-wife, former model Veronica Lario (pictured left), who told newspapers the final straw was her husband attending the birthday party of 18 year old aspiring politician Noemi Letizia. “Suggesting Silvio’s actions were at all distasteful is way off the mark.” Close friend of Berlusconi’s and retired landowner Masterbatio Totti told Home Defence. “Noemi and Silvio have been good mates since before she was a pre-pubescent. In fact, they like to
debate the ins and outs of the European Union over Skype most weekends. Earlier this year Noemi specifically
requested ‘a leering old gentleman who would force me to sit on his knee’ at her birthday celebrations and Silvio, or
‘Papi’ as the women are ordered to call him, just happened to be in the neighbourhood at the time. And yes, that
same girl did spend a week at his villa last year when she was seventeen, but any suggestion of inappropriate
behaviour in their intimate relations is outrageous.” “Besides,” Totti continued. “With our population ageing all the time, we'll find more and more women falling for men who are past retirement age. Many would rather be with a guy old enough to be their great-grandfather. Men the same age simply don’t appeal. Teenage girls are turned off by toned bodies and flat stomachs, by genuine hair and teeth and ‘fashion sense’. The young fillies I know want someone more like my pal Silvio. But not for his wealth, fame or status as some commentators seem to think. Most of the six foot blondes I see at Silvio’s parties don’t even speak Italian, so there’s no way they know who he is.”
Silvio Berlusconi (72) is the Prime Minister of Italy and owns half the country’s news channels as well as
AC Milan football club. He is said to have personal assets somewhere in the region of £9.4 billion and has
been tried in court on twelve separate occasions for offences including mafia collusion, false accounting,
tax fraud, corruption, bribing judges and many, many more. He has never been sent to prison because he
is rich. Berlusconi is famous for saying that Italian dictator Benito Mussolini was entirely benign and has
repeatedly claimed that communists “used to eat children”.
Taking a break from his recent stewardship of the G8 summit (left) which, according to one anonymous attendee, “was arranged the same way children with learning disabilities might organise a national sporting event”, Berlusconi pulled his trademark dazzling grin for the gentlemen of the press and told them no, he had never paid a woman for sex because “folding money is so declasse”. Smiling inanely, Silvio declared his “generous spirit” meant that gifts were sometimes given as tokens of esteem to ‘lady friends’, but only nominal items such as jewellery, clothing or sports cars.
When asked about a recent statement by an escort girl who attended one of his pool
parties and subsequently stayed in his world famous, Putin-supplied, giant bed,
Berlusconi adjusted his flowery bandanna, denied he’d recently had another hair
transplant and scolded the assembled journalists, telling them that “prostitutes
need relaxation time too”. The Prime Minister then declared it was fine for hookers
to descend on his mansion en masse because “they were all off-duty”.
A recent interview for Italian gossip rag La Tryst finds teenage ‘hostess’ Songthrush Bumpkeeno backing Berlusconi’s claims. This young girl, who describes herself as an “aspiring cabinet minister”, told the magazine she often sunbathed naked at Silvio’s
get-togethers because the P.M.’s imprecations to get her kit off were “too delightful to resist”. Going on to say she “totally goes for fat, leathery pensioners”, Miss Bumpkeeno then dismissed the five thousand euros she was paid for staying over as “neither here nor there” since “I would have slept with Berlusconi anyway, ‘cause I really get off on sagging bellies and the smell of woodbines”. Songthrush (left) goes on to define her Gerontophilia in more depth:
“Me and my girlfriends regularly fall for men like Papi at nightclubs or while shopping. They have charm and
a way about them; we feel protective toward the old dudes. The Italian papers don’t report that most of the
old men we sleep with are penniless, so you don’t hear about it when we accompany ordinary OAPs to the
beach in our skimpy bikinis and drape ourselves across their failing bodies. Okay, this one time I happened
to get off with someone who was a bit well known, but that was completely by accident, I just love
pensioners. If Papi dies and I can’t get into parliament I’m going to go work in an old folks’ home.”
Indeed, most public statements from the gaggle of bimbos Berlusconi and his pear-shaped pals hang out with
emphasize that the attraction has nothing to do with money or the P.M.’s massive country pile. Instead, these
extremely young girls put their elder statesmen-obsessed social lives down to the possession of a very specific
fetish, whereby they get the hots for a partner who might die during the sexual act.
Some of these models are even quoted as seeing themselves promulgating a new kind of carnal predilection. At least, that was the official line put out by the Italian government. But when Home Defence witnessed a group of nubile teenagers leaving Silvio’s country residence last Wednesday and attempted to ask if they saw themselves as feminists, standing up for the right to have unconventional relations rather than conforming to society’s outdated sexual norms, they just giggled at us from behind their hands