To Labour’s London office in Millbank, where the party rank and file as well as hundreds of thousands of new members are said to be
variously “enthused”, “excited” or “thoroughly purged” by the forthcoming leadership election, their second in less than a year. Unfortunately
bookmakers and political analysts are predicting it will once again herald ‘the wrong result’, as far as those wielding power on the National
Executive Committee are concerned, as well as the majority of Labour’s Members of Parliament. In turn, this raises the prospect of our nominal party of opposition having further contests, perhaps one every six months, stretching into the future indefinitely.
“We simply cannot continue with someone like Jeremy Corbyn as leader, a man we know is unelectable because it has been repeated endlessly by the neoliberal establishment. Besides,
anyone can see into the future; it’ll be exactly like the past; specifically the early eighties, only with Pokemon Go instead of Space Hoppers.” So claims Trotsky Entrist (left), a high-up
in the hierarchy and a man Home Defence met for the inside scoop on this latest leadership battle, the second of a predicted many.
“I didn’t pursue a career in the Labour party throughout the nineties and noughties so some bloke could come along who doesn’t care about
the opinions of ordinary rich people.” Entrist went on. “Instead he wants to prioritise the poor who, let’s be honest, only have themselves to
blame for not being born wealthy. Such people are a pathetic section of society, one the main parties have done well to spend the last four
“I mean,” Mr Entrist continued. “Do we really want a man supposedly up there representing Labour ideals who rises above hostility, has shown consistent values through
his career, seems to connect with a bunch of disgusting individuals I refer to as ‘the Proletariat’ and only owns one presentable suit? It simply isn’t the slick, Metropolitan,
capitalist face of the party I know and love; one I expect to provide me with a sizeable income and safe seat, all the way up until retirement.”
“Unfortunately it looks like the plebbier Labour members are going to make the same mistake again.” Trotsky nodded, summing up with: “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if a well-off
clique nominated our candidate from the Electoral College, just like the old days, rather than have someone occupy the position who wastes time mingling with commoners?
Of course, that isn’t to say we won’t organise another coup as soon as Jeremy’s re-elected, with no-confidence votes, systemic disparagement in the press and jibes on social
media, but I don’t have much faith it’ll work next time either – those front-bench plotters couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.”
Indeed, Corbyn has garnered maximum opprobrium from his own side for many cardinal sins committed during his nine month tenure as
head of Labour. These include the allegation he prefers to spend time with the unwashed masses rather than massage the fragile egos of
his parliamentary colleagues, is against obviously positive things like the Free Market economy and war, couldn’t pick Ant and Dec out of
a police line-up and has only managed to secure 100% of by-elections his party has competed in since becoming leader, as well as the London Mayorship.
This record fails to hold Corbyn in good stead for the mythical snap election Theresa May isn’t going to call this Autumn, or to overturn polling figures that have plummeted since
his colleagues started stabbing him in the back. Additionally, in spite of having been wildly inaccurate when trying to predict every recent political moment, from last year’s General
Election to the EU referendum, opinion polls are still being used as a stick to beat him with by people from a bourgeois or ruling class background.
In reaction to this, terminally aggrieved lady Angela Eagle (left) swooped in to try and shoot Corbyn in the head, but at the last moment Labour’s patriarchy overturned her, calling for
Owen Smith to step forward instead. This ambitiously smooth operator will literally say anything to get into power and boasts a handsome record working for Big Pharma, as well as
with misogyny in general.
Suddenly the Parliamentary Labour Party and the editors of nominally left-wing newspapers across the country had their man. But Smith (right) turned out
to be utter shit, promising policies even a five year old could see were simply watered down versions of what Corbyn was offering, but with the added carrot
that, once in power, he would occasionally start armed conflicts to sate the bloodlust of Trident-backing warmongers. HDUK attempted to contact Mr Smith
for comment on his forthcoming, abject defeat, but Owen was unavailable, having spotted a passing bandwagon he was keen to jump on. We last saw the
hapless leadership contender sprinting after the cart, disappearing into the sunset as he attempted to climb aboard by any means necessary.
So with the ‘unity candidate’ only serving to further undermine this socialist movement and fragment his party further, how can desperate Labour lifers overcome the seemingly endless wave of support for Corbyn and go back to failing ordinary people, as they did under Kinnock, Blair, Brown and Milliband?
“It’s going to be tough,” Bowlby Smartbomb MP (left) told us, a plummy Labour veteran who resigned from the shadow cabinet when Corbyn failed to give him the weekly face-to-face meetings
he demanded, which would have covered issues like Bowlby’s support for nuclear power, all-transgender shortlists and how much he can claim in expenses. “I cannot endorse Jeremy I’m
afraid; or even allow him to do his job properly - I believe the world revolves around me too much, as do my friends and colleagues. I was especially hurt when Corbyn and [Shadow Chancellor]
John McDonnell ignored my numerous calls for attention so I will continue to express my disappointment with Jeremy and his respectful, ‘nicer politics’ schtick.” Mr Smartbomb went on,
pulling a disgusted face. “Prime Minister’s Questions should be about verbal dexterity, pre-written and slightly laboured jokes ending in nasty
put-downs. I hated sitting there, week after week, seeing Cameron’s PR skills and ease with an outright lie defeat Corbyn. Now, when he has
a chance to go for the jugular, smash Theresa May back on her kitten heels and ritually disembowel the woman with ruthless invective and
effective but meaningless soundbites to get our MPs cheering, he does nothing of the sort. Jeremy only seems to side with the people out
there; real men and women who couldn’t give two shits about Prime Minister’s Questions.
“Integrity and common decency have no place in Westminster,” Smartbomb went on, “and Jeremy only has himself to blame if we refuse to work with him and have
repeated leadership challenges until somebody more ‘our type’ takes over, like Ben Bradshaw or Tom Watson. Either that or Jeremy finally expires, whichever
But Tom Watson isn’t putting himself forward for promotion any time soon, the Deputy Leader concentrating instead on finding the right mix of medications to
combat his increasingly erratic behaviour. This rare condition has announced itself via a series of erratic public announcements; symptoms that combine extreme
paranoia and a tendency for Watson to spend hours on his knees every morning, checking under the bed for Nazi extremist socialist jihadi stormtroopers and
followers of Soviet leader Lenin, a man who has actually been dead for nearly a century. Nobody tell him.
Trotsky Entrist clarified: “I don’t know why Jeremy doesn’t give up now – there’s no political mileage in working for a fairer
society or giving everyone a chance in life so they don’t riot or do things like BREXIT. No party has succeeded in that since
the post-war years, which clearly means it will never happen again. Also, Jeremy will never get the Murdoch press off his
back, certainly not by ignoring the plight of financial services while prioritising the NHS, council houses, reforming the laws on
insecure work and giving wannabe teachers or nurses a decent chance in life. Politics means writing off the lower classes and contriving to demonise or ignore them. Until Corbyn
learns that, the selfish materialist element of his party will never get behind him, and they’re the most important ones!”
Indeed, whether next month or further down the line, Corbyn should expect to be ousted by the party he has served so diligently for thirty years, with the received wisdom stating
Labour can only return to power if they return attention to helping the rich, pushing a consumerist agenda, embracing austerity and backing privatisation while cheering on the bombing
of civilians across the Middle East and accepting the blame for losing the EU referendum.
As Jess Phillips MP (left) put it in her latest social media broadside against Corbyn: “You won’t win elections by offering something different, or by trying to help the 73% of the UK
population who are defined as working or lower middle class, that’s simply not how politics is done in this country. I’d rather split my party in two and have the Conservatives rule
us until 2030 than see that happen.”