Speculation traces this bold takeover of a country historically connected to the Royals back to the announcement Prince Charles would finally be making an honest woman of charisma-free huntress and long-term bit of stuff, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Many within Harry's inner circle of in-bred yahoos noted the young Prince's initial reaction to this announcement as shock and disbelief, followed
by intermittent bouts of vomiting. Soon the Prince was calling Parker-Bowles "a massive cunt" and retiring to his quarters to embark on a truly Shakespearian level of plotting. One of the Princes' favourite weekend concubines, a strawberry blonde called Sally who resembles an underfed Red Rum, was shocked to overhear snide comments made by Harry to his grandmother regarding the union. Meanwhile the country as a whole read the Prince's supposedly off-the-record remarks in Closer magazine as he disparaged the forthcoming nuptials. One anonymous tip-off even put Harry at the centre of formal objections made to the Anglican church against the wedding, everything from pointing out this union of widower and divorcee violated the terms of the 1949 marriage act, to the more general complaint that; "she's an absolute minger".
Worse was to come when, in the weeks leading up to the wedding, Harry and his brother were visited by Charles who informed the young Princes they should now refer to Camilla as "mummy" or "the honourable Queen-to-be". This outrage, along with a reported reticence on Harry's part to enter Sandhurst Military Academy, plus the inconvenience of Corgis repeatedly sniffing out his stash of sensimillia, seem to have combined to push the Prince over the edge.
"The signs were all there," one Royal Courtier told us yesterday. "Harry couldn't deal with his new stepmother at all. He used to say she was 'wicked' and he'd have preferred Esther Rantzen - at least she was up for a laugh. Camilla wouldn't even speak up for her stepson when he wanted to go to some porno actress' birthday do. It's a cry for help. I suppose we should have suspected as much all those times he got smashed and put on a Nazi uniform, but so many of them do it I didn't think twice."
While the recent royal wedding at Pimlico Registry Office went off without a hitch, psychologists
watching on TV would have been concerned by the manner in which Harry spent the entire ceremony
grinning evilly and emitting the occasional melodramatic snicker. Evidently the youngest Prince had
been planning his invasion of Wales for some time because, at the moment a Royal procession went
past crowds of several dozen well-wishers to arrive at Buckingham Palace, Harry peeled off from the
cortege and disappeared to a secret location. Once there, thirty trusted Royal Guards and a bunch of
pissed-up mates joined the Prince in putting his long-held plans into action.
Soon helicopters of heavily-armed teenagers and soldiers loyal to Harry were heading West.
Unfortunately they mistakenly assumed the newlyweds' honeymoon destination to be in Wales
when the actual location of Birkhall is near Balmoral Castle, geography not being an upper class strong point. When the gang of mercenaries arrived on the Welsh border they were confronted by a bemused patrolman called Glyn and several hundred bored sheep. Harry's actions were thus born of a frustration at his inability to sabotage Charles' honeymoon, with the youngster deciding to take revenge in a different manner, annexing that country which gives the Prince of Wales his title.
"This is the first time in centuries a member of the British Monarchy has invaded a neighbouring country and we're all very excited about it." Enthused eminent historian and Royal watcher, Quentin Turps. "Some see Harry's actions as a cry for help from a lonely young man, a boy who can't express antipathy for his father's second marriage out loud so chooses instead to invoke the ancient Royal right of stealing someone else's country. Others speculate he's just annoyed Wales won the Grand Slam, but I think it's more than that. This move could be the first awakening of a long-dormant British need for empire. Harry's actions certainly aren't without historical precedent - in 1155 Henry II invaded Ireland, George II once led his army into the Battle at Dettington, and Henry V took every bit of land he could get his hands on. My colleagues have instantly become very impressed with young Harry. What if we're witnessing the first of many conquests for our future King, all over countries that don't really know what they're doing? Places like Liechenstein, or France? Harry's land-grab certainly sits several rungs up the achievement ladder from previous antics, like attacking photographers outside Pangaea nightclub or cheating on his art exam. Way to go son."
But some English citizens see the Prince's wholesale stealing of a nation as the insane action of a
skunk-addled youngster, indulged far too freely by those same archaic English laws which prevented
Charles and Camilla getting married in Church, and lead to the continuing possibility of anti-Monarchists
being executed for treason. As the sun set last night over a Welsh border patrolled by Royal Equerries
ordered to shoot insurgents on sight, the local Police were said to be more and more concerned that
differences between Welsh nationals and the English ruling over them could escalate into full-blown war.
Meanwhile Harry himself was said to be unwilling to budge until his new stepmother agrees to ritual
suicide (or at least legalised annulment), and reports continue to filter through from Windsor Castle
hinting at the Queen flying into Cardiff tomorrow to tell her grandson "not to be so stupid". Whatever the
outcome, rest assured Home Defence will keep you up to date on further developments in what has
come to be known as Welsh crisis '05...