To Army Recruiting Offices across the UK where, today, preparations are underway for the re-introduction of National
Service. Yes, for the first time since 1960, British residents under the age of 25 will be expected to defend their
country. They’ll accomplish this by marching into Islamic State-held areas in the badlands of Northern Syria and
‘nullifying’ any terrorists they find there.
This development comes in the wake of Britain’s flawless air campaign, wherein our late-coming expertise overwhelmed the useless US and meant we inflicted no civilian casualties (unlike those useless, child-murdering Russians). Yes, the UK stood side-by-side with France, because we’re now the same country apparently, and all that Freedom Fries stuff is long forgotten. Together we exploded the crap out of ISIS
nutjobs, and whoever else was nearby we didn’t like the look of.
Parliament’s overwhelming vote in favour of multi-million pound airstrikes in Syria has now been utterly vindicated, with the likes of David Cameron and Hilary Benn using the RAF to
remove the threat of terrorism where other nations failed and, because we’re now completely safe; the number of armed police on London’s streets has since been doubled. No, British
citizens aren’t any kind of target, not at all, and that’s thanks to the almost-complete obliteration of
we’ll-call-them-Daesh-instead-because-that’ll-learn-them. But today we finally understood our marvellous air campaign hasn’t quite been enough.
“Our proud Royal Air Force has done amazingly; wiping out every single person who embodies the ISIS theology, apart from a couple who have
really dug in, like that new bloke in their televised beheading series.” The government minister for expanding international conflict, Trott Pickelhaube, explained. “We’re very much
against such Internet shows, so please stick to terrestrial or Sky instead. Anyway, our polls show that bloodthirsty public opinion remains in favour of Team GB-initiated
carnage across Muslim lands, so the Prime Minister has decided to strike while the iron’s hot, bomb Libya too and then take up this mandate for ground operations.”
“Everyone knows that, if we’re to destroy Islamic State forever, we need to call on more than just the army. Those soldiers we have left are fine of course, but their battalions have recently
suffered many austerity-related cuts, leaving only the SAS and hired private sector mercenaries who think they’re Andy McNab.” Mr Pickelhaube (left) went on. “That’s why the
Conservatives have taken the unique step of introducing a compulsory draft scheme, to get more young lads out fighting on their behalf, killing other humans in the heat and dust of the
Middle East. They’ll learn to love the lifestyle, I’m sure of it.”
Under these proposals, any family claiming benefits or which includes young males out of work will see their first-born son entered into a special ‘draft lottery’.
Following this draw, tens of thousands of citizens will then be fast-tracked into an exciting new ground war, one that’s being fought solely by British forces,
because none of our allies think it’s a particularly good idea. The only males excluded from said call up will be university students, people with
double-barrelled surnames, the genuinely properly disabled – you know, ones with tubes coming out of their faces and stuff – and anyone who went to a
These proposals have proved an instant hit with elderly voters, one of whom is the 87 year-old lDag Hoggett.
“It’s about time them young whippersnappers put something back into this country what fought and died for them.” The elderly man (left) spluttered
over a cup of tea in a Margate café. “We’re under attack, right this minute, you and me, by the ISIS. Since this is wartime, everyone needs to do
their bit. If National Service were good enough for me and my brothers, two of which died defending this proud nation, it’s good enough for them
coloured hoodlums I see hanging about outside One-Stop. They’re always blocking the doorway then acting surly when I go to buy my Daily Express. Ship ‘em off, that’s what I say.
As long as there isn’t a risk to anyone I know. Luckily, the families of my friends are quite well off.”
Yet critics of this plan say that the enforced militarisation of the ‘millenial’ generation is in keeping with this government’s ‘war on the young’. In recent times Britain has seen
a 10% fall in the prospects of its young adults in the areas of education, average income, health and debt. This is the direct result of policies popular with spiteful baby boomers everywhere, along with the ageing and vindictive. These include the inflation of university tuition fees, removal of housing benefit and social security from the under-25s, an
unemployment level three times as bad as countries like Germany and a concomitant rise in poverty and homelessness. In light of this, many see the compulsory draft as a
way for the Conservative Party to resolve their problem; shipping those worst affected by their policies out to die fighting Islamic State’s brutal regime. Meanwhile those
people the media cares about (Instagram foodies, minor royals, the children of celebrities) remain safely back home.
“Just because the conscripted all come from non-Tory voting constituencies in the north, that doesn’t mean we intend to alienate working class
men who might otherwise support UKIP or Jeremy Corbyn.” Trott Pickelhaube told the press when the first ‘draft lottery’ machine was ceremonially
switched on at Sandhurst Military Academy earlier. “Of course, we’ll have lovely tributes ready for anyone who gets killed by friendly fire out in the
desert, but we’re hoping that won’t happen too often. It can’t hurt for our young men to get some fresh air and stop lounging around playing video
games or smoking dope. Everyone knows war gives common lugs a purpose. It makes them into actual men – haven’t you seen The Green
Berets? Whether it’s while suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or in a bodybag adorned with the UK flag so David Cameron can memoralise them in a moving speech, they come
“Here we go then!” Trott intoned, starting up the lottery machine that began to spit out numbered balls, each representing one of Britain’s potential soldiers. This fun method of deciding
who would be forced to fight and die was a huge success, continuing through a two-hour prime-time special hosted by Fearne Cotton and Philip Schofield before an excitable studio
As Home Defence was going to press some of the more naïve draftees were celebrating their last night of freedom in failing pubs through England’s former industrial heartlands,
often employing prostitutes to make their last night go with a bang. These 18-25 year-olds are looking forward to being shipped out to Assad’s civil war where they’ll take their
place at the heart of a conflict the Prime Minister, ‘Diddy’ David Cameron, has said will be over in weeks, if not days. Then terror in the Middle East will be defeated once and
for all, so our ‘boys’ can come back home, regardless of any threat from al-Qaida, the resurgent Taliban, or any extremist splinter groups operating in the region.
No, ISIS is where it’s at, and our government strongly denies ground troops could be engaged in military action for years, as public
support drains away and casualties mount up over time, with what we’re trying to do growing obviously impossible and futile. The
Conservatives categorically refute claims that swamping this area with disoriented squaddies will only serve to increase tensions and
send large numbers of so-called ‘moderates’ into the arms of the extremist movement. That’s just sissy talk.
Those born in the early-to-mid-nineties are now expected to depart from English ports later this week, enjoying camaraderie with their new pals while watching movies like
M*A*S*H* and Bill Murray classic Stripes on the journey to that Syrian hellhole. They leave behind tearful mothers and girlfriends, women who wave handkerchiefs at the
dockside as they bid a fond farewell to loved ones part of them expects to never see alive again.