The Balkans, and an official report into the region published later this month gives worrying insights into abuses of power by former Liberal leader, Paddy "Pantsdown" Ashdown, in his role as the UN's 'High Representative' for Bosnia-Hercegovina. Although the United Nations have attempted to suppress this document, we at Home Defence have obtained an illicit copy and it makes for terrifying reading, supporting the growing babble of hearsay which concludes Paddy has lost it completely.
The virile Ashdown, who served as a Royal Marine for some thirteen years before joining the Foreign Office and launching his political career, was appointed to the position in 2002 following an oft-expressed facination with the nation's conflicts. Paddy possessed many outspoken opinions on the Serbians, Bosnians and Gypsies regarding what they should do from now on and as a result he was rewarded with a new job. The general's controversial first actions were to rename two Bosnian provinces after his daughters then set about building a huge mansion using local labour. This enormous palace now features an artificial lake, specially-built temple of worship and gigantic bronze statue of Ashdown himself looking smarmy. Although seen as unnecessarily indulgent, these actions have been tolerated by the citizens, however it is the High Representative's behaviour since the start of 2004 which has really caught the attention of observers.
"He'll only appear in public now on a gold-plated palanquin." Said one source who preferred to remain nameless for fear of reprisals. "Paddy turns up on his throne, held aloft by a small army of 'bearers', and starts poncing about like a tit. The first time I saw it I thought he was taking the piss but apparently not. The other day Ashdown was wearing ceremonial robes and barking out orders to an oiled boy in a loincloth who banged on a gong. That was when I wondered if he was really leading my country in the
Public appearances such as this have accompanied other irregularities over the past two years, all of which are extrapolated in the official report. The most scandalous revelations include Paddy's repeated request for a eunuch, the new law (written by Ashdown) requiring citizens to bequeath all their worldly goods to him, and the servants he employs to attend to each of his chihuahuas (Gagarin and Mo).
Upon hearing of this strange situation Home Defence contacted a high-ranking UN official, putting it to him that this man, once employed to make Bosnia-Hercegovina self-sustainable but now refusing to be called anything other than "his eminence", was drifting far from the terms of the 'Dayton Peace Agreement', a United Nations directive he was brought in to fulfill.
"We've actually tried to prise him out several times, but Paddy doesn't seem to respond to our faxes."
Deputy Secretary General Perez Boutros-Boutros-Boutros told us. "Maybe his fax machine's broken,
or it could be out of paper. Whatever, we're not going over there until we receive some kind of formal
complaint. Maybe it's just an ego trip inspired by his knighthood, I'm sure it'll all blow over soon. So
what if Paddy wants to introduce gladitorial contests or drink pearls dissolved in vinegar? As long as
he hasn't entirely exhausted the Treasury those Bosnians have got it good. Better than during the war
Do they Perez? Do they? Rumours have long abounded of Ashdown using the skills he learnt in the
Special Forces with impunity, keeping active by donning a disguise to enter the dirty parts of Sarajevo and beat up passers-by for a laugh. Meanwhile the opulence and debauchery of Paddy's day-to-day life grows ever more pronounced. Only yesterday this High Representative ruled that the people must worship Ashdown as a God and allow him to take concubines, at least for as long as his wife is stricken with the dropsy.
Following repeated attempts to contact Ashdown's office we finally got through by pretending to be a gang of unofficial biographers and asked Paddy why he was spending with impunity when his country didn't even possess money for basic healthcare. Ashdown responded by charging us with treason, declaring himself "master of the sea" and hanging up.