In an emotional interview with Trevor MacDonald tonight Tony Blair will explain how President Bush's thoughtlessness has put the so-called Special Relationship in jeopardy. "I flew all the way out to stand side by side with George last week, on his invitation, and he barely even acknowledged my presence." Said a visibly distraught Blair, his voice on the verge of cracking. "All the time I was there we barely saw each other for more than a few minutes, I didn't get to enjoy any of the quality time I feel I deserve for my loyalty these past months. When George did eventually speak to me it wasn't about anything meaningful, he was just, 'Howdy Tone, how are ya?', and when I started to tell him how I really was he didn't care. I could see his eyes switch off the moment I mentioned a need to validate my feelings." At this point in the interview, of which homedefenceuk.com was granted a special preview tape, MacDonald is called upon to hand Blair a box of Kleenex before the Prime Minister can continue, finally sniffling out: "He just can't go on treating me this way Trevor, you know?"
In part two Blair appears to have regained his composure as he wistfully recalls how close he and Bush had been in the weeks leading up to the recent Iraqi conflict. "Things were very different back then, he only wanted to show me his sweet side, trapping me with his wiles. Oh, you bet."
"Sometimes we'd talk all night on the telephone, making big plans together - how we'd liberate the Iraqi people and their resources and make the world a better place. George was so grateful to finally have someone he could understand on his side. Don't quote me on this, but no one could make head nor tail of anything that Spaniard said, even with an interpreter." At this point Blair tries to force a smile but it comes out more as grimace.
"I guess I was a fool to fall for it Trevor, but for a while there Georgie included me in everything he did, he's such a good listener when he wants to be. When I came out in favour of war he paid such attention to my wants and needs at the international summits. He heard every word when I talked of what we have to do to put Ireland and Palestine right. I felt special, like the centre of the Western world."
"I suppose I let myself be flattered into believing I was his number one, but all that changed when the invasion finally got underway. The first I heard about it was when I got woken up at five in the morning by one of George's advisors telling me war was on and they just thought they'd let me know! Whatever happened to deciding what we were going to do together? As equals? Is that too much to ask?" At this stage in the interview MacDonald reaches over and squeezes the Prime Minister's shoulder imploring him to: "Just take a minute, let it all out" and reassuring "there's no need to talk about it if you don't want to". Eventually the girlish sobbing dies down and Blair goes on.
"Then I have to improvise a speech in time for the press conference and justify to the critics a decision that was nothing to do with me. I think, 'Crikey, this isn't fair on me or my party!'. So when I see George I decide to have it out but he just avoids me again and the next thing I know we're side by side before the world's media. George talks about freedom and cattle drives for a while and then it's my turn to speak. You probably saw it Trevor, all I did was suggest that our use of war to bring about world peace might lead us next to Zimbabwe, coalition forces intervening to remove the yoke from the necks of oppressed peoples. I said I was looking forward to taking down the dictator Robert Mugabe, then I paused and glanced over at George but he's not looking at me, just going um and staring at his shoes. So much for solidarity."
"But I soldiered on, I didn't let George discourage me from outlining my plans for a fair and democratic Africa - by force if necessary - but I had to speak up over the sound of the President shuffling his feet to my left. Finally one of his aides comes over to cut me off and escort me from the podium. He wouldn't admit it, but I know that was George's doing."
The interview ends with MacDonald asking Blair whether he intends to be less gullible and trusting the next time America wants his troops for an overseas conflict which will kick-start its faltering economy. "I'd like to think so, I really would." Blair sighs with a weary smile. "But I know when George starts in with that sweet talk again something in me won't be able to resist."