These are difficult times, an era of dread and uncertainty in which rogue states looking to make a name acquire
weapons of mass destruction and initiate nuclear armageddon, shadowy and global terrorist networks hold our
fearful hearts in their apocryphal grasp, an epoch of violence and fear wherein Arabs, celebrities, mincers and
football managers are all on the hitlist of the ignorant and terrified. A time when the U.S.A. generates more
martyrs by adopting the 'democracy by force' strategum, and people who clearly represent the earthly
embodiment of all that is evil like Bin Laden, Donald Rumsfeld or Jo Whiley, are allowed to appear on television
channels for propaganda purposes.
Against this unstable backdrop of destruction and turmoil, when the flabby peoples of the first world desperately
need calming, comes a new webzine-cum-journal-cum-twenty-first-century-balm-cum-satirical-opus-cum-naughty
schoolboys-writing-rude-words-on-the-blackboard-when-Miss-isn't-looking. Yes, homedefenceuk.com is here,
and although it won't put anyone's mind at ease, it is free. And as we roll further into this unsettling, dirrrty and
potentially apocalyptic third millenium, it might make you laugh. And that's something isn't it? Anything more,
like psychoanalysis or cranial massage, and we'd have to charge a fee. Depending on nubility that is.
So anyway, if you're looking for tips on how to spot a nuclear exchange, where the next threat to your well-being might come from, and what's been going on in UK affairs lately that the establishment press won't tell you about, this is the site to add to your favourites. We also supply lifestyle guides, paranoid pop music, celebrity gossip and an overall sense of impending doom. Plus we promise not to mollycoddle or kid you. Things are bad, and we're terrified, probably more than you. So trust us. We'll never send you unmarked packages or yell "GEDDOWN, SNIPER!" in crowded shopping centres, however convinced we might be that the heavily-set man on the walkway has a gun in his holdall. Promise.
Home Defence UK is updated on a bit-monthly basis (approximately), keeping you 'on-message' regarding today's issues and cultural trends, constantly on standby should the sirens begin to wail. Comment, reaction, suggestions, insults and reasonably-priced second-hand weaponry to the 'electronic mail' addresses below please.
Enjoy yourselves everyone, don't believe the neo-cons.
CONTRIBUTORS:
Al Likilla runs this operation out of the study in his agreeably decadent North London flat, and is always willing to receive suggestions, submissions, opinions, threats, and legal advice of any kind at al@homedefenceuk.com. He will write for food.
Clint Panzerdivision has recently given up on the Bingo dream and moved to North London to be closer to his beloved 'Gooners', a team he has been supporting since the evening of 8th April 2008 when it became apparent he needed to blend in with the natives. He can be contacted (albeit intermittently) at clint@homedefenceuk.com.
Botham Squab - For as long as can be remembered, the kitchens of these lands have been shrouded in darkness. Clouds shaped like tall chefs’ hats have plunged the world into the tyrannical culinary rule of but a few, of Fancy Dan celebrity prima donnas telling everyone what to do. But there was a time when cooks and warriors roamed the land side by side. When honour and chivalry ordered the day, and some stew on a weeknight would suffice (or scampi & chips for a special occasion). And so It is written that a new hero will come, a man with no previous experience in the restaurant trade, who will rid us of this despotism and thereby bring light and reason back to the world. That man is not Botham Squab people, let’s make that perfectly clear.
Dick Holder International playboy and porn legend Holder funds his extravagent lifestyle by teaching "sums" to the overprivileged offspring of wealthy Somerset landowners. He is the world's leading authority in the field of cartographic fetishism.
Archibald Scamp is Home Defence's 'Health & Lifestyle Consultant' and is also doing his bit to improve England's dwindling birth rate. He could be teaching your children.
The Very Reverend Harry Figgis O.B.E. is a fully ordained Pastor thanks to the US-based 'New Horizon Ministry'. He joins Home Defence to share his ideas for wasting time in small-town England, and can be contacted on TheVeryReverendHarryFiggisOBE@hotmail.com for spiritual guidance and reliable interior design advice. He was made an honorary member of the Order of the British Empire by an extremely stoned Prince Harry in December 2003.
"Watch the news these days, you know, it's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door you're immediately going to be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected..... pit bull."
- Bill Hicks
For regular updates simply send a blank email with the word 'Subscribe' in the subject line to: al@homedefenceuk.com.
- Al Likilla & Clint Panzerdivision, 2008
Creators and Proprietors - homedefenceuk.com
Email: al@homedefenceuk.com or clint@homedefenceuk.com
