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Welcome friends, welcome.....
These are difficult times, an era of dread and uncertainty when rogue states try to make a name by acquiring weapons of mass destruction then look to initiate nuclear Armageddon. Shadowy terrorist networks hold our horrified hearts in their vague grasp, heralding a new era of violence and fear as gig-goers, the Keystone Kops and Nigel Farage crop up on the hit-list of the deluded and bloodthirsty. Suicide bomb wannabes and infant jihadis queue up to martyr themselves against the backdrop of a collapsing global economy. Revolution is in the air, along with the smell of burning, pulled-then-PM-penetrated pork as beeping twelve year-olds organise the downfall of society by iPhone. We wait expectantly for the authorities to be overthrown and the Cereal Killer Cafe to be sacked by class warriors. Respectable people are so terrified, all it takes is a fake threat to halt any national event. Truly, the terrorists have won.
Against this unstable backdrop of destruction and turmoil, back in 2003, when the flabby peoples of the first world desperately needed some calming, a webzine-cum-journal-cum-twenty-first-century-balm-cum-satirical-opus-cum-naughty-schoolboys-writing-rude-words-on-the-blackboard-when-Miss-isn't-looking arrived. Yes, HomeDefenceUK.com is still here, and it won't put you at ease, not any time soon. But, as we roll further into this unsettling, polarised and potentially apocalyptic third millennium, fifteen years into the trademarked ‘century of terror’, it might make you laugh, and that's something isn't it? Anything else, like psychoanalysis or cranial massage, and we'd have to charge a fee. Depending on nubility that is.
So, if you're looking for tips on how to spot a dirty bomb, where the next threat to your well-being might come from and what's been going on in UK current affairs of late; everything the establishment press won't tell you, then this is the site to bookmark. We also supply long-form lifestyle guides, columns tipping great music, insider investigations and an overall sense of impending doom. And we promise not to mollycoddle you. Things are bad, and we're terrified. Probably more than the proverbial agoraphobic xenophobe. That’s why you can trust us.
Because we'll never send you an unmarked package that smells somehow wrong, or yell "GEDDOWN, SNIPER!" in a crowded shopping centre outside Bromley, however convinced we are that heavy-set man on the walkway has a gun in his holdall. Promise.
Home Defence UK is updated on an (approximately) bi-monthly basis, proudly mocking terrorists and anyone who thinks they can ‘end terror’
for more than a decade now. Follow or favourite us and be kept 'on-message' regarding such issues and other important cultural trends. Our
writing team is on standby should the sirens begin to wail. Comment, reaction, suggestions, insults, submissions and reasonably priced
second-hand weaponry to the electronic mail addresses to the right, or via the Contact Us button above.
Enjoy yourselves everyone, and welcome to whatever comes after Western civilization...
Al Likilla runs the operation out of a Ballardian futureplex with en-suite waterfowl in North London and is always willing to receive suggestions, submissions, opinions, threats, and legal advice of any kind at email@example.com. He will write for food.
Clint Panzerdivision recently set off on a one-man expedition into the heart of darkest Wiltshire. He lost contact with civilization
somewhere outside Melksham and has been officially missing ever since. Reports Clint was kidnapped by a splinter element of Nigel
Farage's UKIP Party and is currently being held hostage somewhere 'up the donkey fields' cannot be confirmed at the present time.
Botham Squab - For as long as can be remembered, the kitchens of these lands have been shrouded in darkness. Clouds shaped like tall chefs’ hats have plunged the world into the tyrannical culinary rule of but a few, of Fancy Dan celebrity prima donnas telling everyone what to do. But there was a time when cooks and warriors roamed the land side by side. When honour and chivalry ordered the day, and some stew on a weeknight would suffice (or scampi & chips for a special occasion). And so It is written that a new hero will come, a man with no previous experience in the restaurant trade, who will rid us of this despotism and thereby bring light and reason back to the world. That man is not Botham Squab people, let’s make that perfectly clear.
Dick Holder International playboy and porn legend Holder funds his extravagent lifestyle by teaching "sums" to the overprivileged offspring of wealthy Somerset landowners. He is the world's leading authority in the field of cartographic fetishism.
Archibald Scamp is Home Defence's official Unwellness Guru. He could be teaching your children.
The Very Reverend Harry Figgis O.B.E. is a fully ordained Pastor thanks to the US-based 'New Horizon Ministry'. He joins Home Defence to share his ideas for wasting time in small-town England, and can be contacted on TheVeryReverendHarryFiggisOBE@hotmail.com for spiritual guidance and reliable interior design advice. He was made an honorary member of the Order of the British Empire by an extremely stoned Prince Harry in December 2003.
"Watch the news these days, you know, it's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door you're immediately going to be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected..... pit bull."
- Bill Hicks
- Al Likilla & Clint Panzerdivision, 2015
Creators and Proprietors - homedefenceuk.com
Email: firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com
Mark Piggott grew up in a rat-infested tenement in Victorian London and counts the Queen Mother amongst his closest friends. He’s written two grown-up novels for grown-ups (Fire Horses and Out Of Office, pub. Legend Press) and doesn’t get out much. See also the all-new, official Mark Piggott Web-Site
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Zeus Maode is a film critic, cultural commentator and self-confessed Boom King. He was born in Wrantage, Somerset in 1969 and, after an unremarkable schooling, graduated from Trefforest, Polytechnic with a 3rd class degree in Humanities. In 1991 he moved to London and has worked as a freelance columnist for the past 24 years.
A regular face and voice on the early 90s fanzine scene, he has contributed to ‘The Gedge’ and ‘Unstable Dandelions: The Indie Girls’ Bible’. For much of the early 2000s he worked as Alexi Duggin’s office bitch at Time Out. During a brief internship on Radio 4s ‘Front Row’ in 2008, he was deliberately run over by a bus on Balls Pond Road. He now lives, alone, in North London.
Grant Mortar is a time-served journalist with balls. A man who is not scared to infiltrate some of the UK's toughest gangs. And he doesn't go off courting celebrity afterwards by enrolling in some ice-skating programme for kids with nowt to do. He's a man with more bottle than Ross Kemp and more scars than Danny Dyer. Grant only communicates with trusted confidante A J Kirby.
The Rt. Hon. Quentin Workshy-Fopp MP - After two weeks on work experience at his father’s hedge fund business, Quentin entered politics, initially in charge of beverages at Louise Mensch’s constituency office. He stood for parliament in 2012, after the sad, cockroach ingestion-related death of Nadine Dorres. Quentin currently holds the position of assistant under-secretary to Jeremy Hunt’s special advisor (with responsibility for electronic communication). Quentin is married with three children he’s never seen because they’re at boarding school somewhere. His wife Fellatio has a handbag importing business, based in the Philippines. Quentin is a member of the Centre for Social Injustice, a Conservative think-tank. He writes regularly for the Conservative Home website on Grinder Apps for the city gentleman.