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Welcome friends, welcome.....

These are difficult times, an era of dread and uncertainty when rogue states trying to make a name acquire weapons of mass destruction and look to initiate nuclear Armageddon. Shadowy terrorist networks hold our horrified hearts in their apocryphal grasp, heralding a new era of violence and fear as Arabs, mincers and reality TV stars crop up on the hit-list of the ignorant and bloodthirsty. Teenage suicide bomb wannabes and infant jihadis queue up to martyr themselves against the backdrop of a collapsing economy. Revolution is in the air, along with the smell of burning carpet shops and the beeping of twelve year-olds organising the downfall of society. We wait expectantly for the overthrow of the police and the sacking of Poundland via social networking sites.

Against this unstable backdrop of destruction and turmoil, when the flabby people of the first world desperately need calming, comes a webzine-cum-journal-cum-twenty-first-century-balm-cum-satirical-opus-cum-naughty-schoolboys-writing-rude-words-on-the-blackboard-when-Miss-isn't-looking. Yes, homedefenceuk.com is here, and although it won't put anyone's mind at ease, it is free and even eschews advertising (unlike some satirical sites we could mention). And, as we roll further into this unsettling, polarised and potentially apocalyptic third millennium, it might make you laugh, and that's something isn't it? Anything more, like psychoanalysis or cranial massage, and we'd have to charge a fee. Depending on nubility that is.

So, if you're looking for tips on how to spot a nuclear exchange, where the next threat to your well-being might come from, and what's been going on in UK affairs of late; everything the establishment press won't tell you about, this is the site to add to your favourites. We also supply lifestyle guides, features on great music, insider investigations, and an overall sense of impending doom. We promise not to mollycoddle you. Things are bad, and we're terrified. Probably more than the proverbial agoraphobic xenophobe.

So trust us. We'll never send you unmarked packages that smell wrong or yell "GEDDOWN, SNIPER!" in a crowded shopping centre, however convinced we are that heavily-set man on the walkway has a gun in his holdall. Promise.

Home Defence UK is updated on a bi-monthly basis, keeping you 'on-message' regarding today's issues and cultural trends, the writing team on standby should sirens begin to wail. Comment, reaction, suggestions, insults, and reasonably priced second-hand weaponry to the electronic mail addresses below or via the Contact Us button.

Enjoy yourselves everyone, and welcome to whatever it is that comes after capitalism...

CONTRIBUTORS:

Al Likilla runs the operation out of a Ballardian futureplex with en-suite waterfowl in North London and is always willing to receive suggestions, submissions, opinions, threats, and legal advice of any kind at al@homedefenceuk.com. He will write for food.

Clint Panzerdivision recently set off on a one-man expedition into the heart of darkest Wiltshire. He lost contact with civilization

somewhere outside Melksham and has been officially missing ever since. Reports Clint was kidnapped by a splinter element of Nigel

Farage's UKIP Party and is currently being held hostage somewhere 'up the donkey fields' cannot be confirmed at the present time.

Botham Squab - For as long as can be remembered, the kitchens of these lands have been shrouded in darkness. Clouds shaped like tall chefs’ hats have plunged the world into the tyrannical culinary rule of but a few, of Fancy Dan celebrity prima donnas telling everyone what to do. But there was a time when cooks and warriors roamed the land side by side. When honour and chivalry ordered the day, and some stew on a weeknight would suffice (or scampi & chips for a special occasion). And so It is written that a new hero will come, a man with no previous experience in the restaurant trade, who will rid us of this despotism and thereby bring light and reason back to the world. That man is not Botham Squab people, let’s make that perfectly clear.

Dick Holder International playboy and porn legend Holder funds his extravagent lifestyle by teaching "sums" to the overprivileged offspring of wealthy Somerset landowners. He is the world's leading authority in the field of cartographic fetishism.

Archibald Scamp is Home Defence's 'Health & Lifestyle Consultant' and is also doing his bit to improve England's dwindling birth rate. He could be teaching your children.

The Very Reverend Harry Figgis O.B.E. is a fully ordained Pastor thanks to the US-based 'New Horizon Ministry'. He joins Home Defence to share his ideas for wasting time in small-town England, and can be contacted on TheVeryReverendHarryFiggisOBE@hotmail.com for spiritual guidance and reliable interior design advice. He was made an honorary member of the Order of the British Empire by an extremely stoned Prince Harry in December 2003.

A Statement From The British Prime Minister –

“Now Is The Time For Words”

September 2011

I address this message to the British Public in their hour of need. I know you are hurting, I have

seen you hurt, and that is why I speak to you now, offering my voice as consolation, helping you

through this difficult time.

At this moment in history all of us are in pain, including your government. Some may feel this is

the ideal time for politicians to act. They may say this in shouts, gestures or calls to resign

during one of our many walkabouts in affected areas. To them I say – don’t be so damned hasty!

These people, if one can call them people, think we should do something, or maybe something else. Perhaps new laws ought to be passed, parts of

the Internet banned, more prisons built, a general crackdown on specific activities. Others have called for those in power to think carefully, to utilise

parliament, to enforce sensible, innovative ways of dealing with the problems.

To this, I say: no.

Now is not the time for deeds.

Now is the time for words.

Turn on your television or radio, pick up a newspaper, go online if you promise to behave yourself, and there I am. Me or one of my minions. We offer you talk, endless talk. This is all part of our coalition’s unique approach; to take words, some of them formed of more than one syllable, and make sentences with them.

Many, many sentences.

This is our favoured means of dialogue, talking at you in this way.

Please don’t answer back, we’re busy people. Have you any idea how many holidays I’ve had to cut short this year already?

I digress.

Your government continues to make sacrifices to bring you these words; fine words, honourable words, words that bring solace, reassurance, and the occasional delightful contradiction into your everyday lives.

Life can be wonderful like that.

So whatever terrible things are happening to you and your family, and whatever terrible things will undoubtedly happen in the future, I have full confidence the policies your almost-elected government has in place are sufficient.

That is, apart from any policy I may decide, at a later date, is ill-advised and ought to be abandoned. Andrew Lansley take note. And you Gove.

Because, make no mistake, this is going to get worse before it gets better. Assuming it does get better.

But what we don’t need here are new initiatives. Ideas are fine. I’ve had ideas myself. Feel free to send any ideas to the email address below. Just don’t expect them to be turned into anything of substance.

We’re not machines.

This country has enough policies as it is, and a lot of them don’t actually make a great deal of sense. Not even to those in my party who drafted them.

Reworking these policies sounds a bit too much like hard work at the moment, and would probably be futile anyway. Let’s have some more of the Queen’s English instead. More words. A bulwark of words.

That’s a good word - bulwark.

You understand what I mean, right? I can talk to you. I’m Diddy Dave. I’m just like you. Maybe slightly better off, but basically the same.

I stand before you today and offer you the very best of me: my words. Words like trust; integrity; truthfulness; understanding; compassion; big society; austerity; fixing broken Britain; all in this together, and standing up for you, the people.

Those are some really brilliant words.

Words, words, words.

With words I can say anything I want. I can tell you whatever you want to hear. It’s great.

Some of you might remember how I once liked the word 'change'. That used to be my favourite word. Well, my old belief in 'change' has itself changed.

This is an example of what Alanis Morrissette would call ‘irony’.

Nowadays I know change can be a negative thing. Change is no longer one of my favourite words. This country has seen enough change. Any more would be bad for the nation, bad for its political system and, most importantly, bad for you.

I’m on your side here.

If you take nothing else from my announcement please remember this: Change = Bad, Words = Good.

Repeat this a few times to make sure you’ve got it, out loud if you need to.

Change = Bad, Words = Good.

I thank you for your time ladies and gentlemen. If you have any concerns that haven’t been covered by my words, I recommend the purchase of a good thesaurus.

Speak to you soon.

Words Copyright David Cameron 2011, Email: DiddyDave1966@bullingdonoldboys.com.