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EDITORIAL - SWINE FLU, THE DEADLIEST MENACE

Mark Liam Piggott, August 2009

A spin doctor writes:

2009 will go down in history as the Annus of Armageddon. Swine flu

fever, the “reaper of souls”, loom over humanity like a deadly,

sniffling shadow.

Already its victims have included Wacko Jacko, Walter Klondyke and Danielle out of Eastenders, not to mention thousands of ordinary, clean-living humans, and pigs.

This deadly spectre towers over us like some ginormous Biblical plague, posing an existential threat not only to our planet but to societies throughout the universe.

But hang on a minute. It’s only like normal flu, right? And this Tamiflu stuff seems to work. So why are the media getting themselves in such a tizzy about a common cold with PR?

Swine flu isn’t to be sneezed at, but if it’s that bad why are parents rushing to get their little Jacobs and Jocastas infected, collecting symptoms like so many pogs?

The world might be at risk from swine flu: then again, pigs might fly. Darren in accounts had it last week and he’s already back at work. One brief phone call from HR call explaining the limitations of his statutory sick pay cured him in a jiffy.

It seems swine flu is much weaker than previously feared; doctors treating Lady Thatcher have been sneezing and breathing germs over the Iron Maiden for weeks now, apparently without success. (note to ed: if the old bint snuffs it before publication change this bit).(Oh, er… sorry.- ed)

There is probably no end to this nightmare of misery, this apocalyptic horseman crazily scything down innocents while laughing with maniacal glee.

But why doesn’t everyone just lighten up, pack a hankie and get on with it? We’d never have defeated Tommy with this defeatist attitude.

Ah...

Atishoo!

Oh - my - god...

Swine flu: The Symptoms

DON’T go running to your GP for a diagnosis. They haven’t time. Doctors only work 2 till 4 (three days a week) and there’s the very real danger that the nation’s golf courses may become overgrown if neglected.

If you think you have swine flu, check these symptoms first:

1. A runny nose.

2. A temperature.

3. Er... that’s it.

If you have any of these symptoms, or none of them, chances are you have swine flu. Or you don’t. By all means go and get some Tamiflu down your neck (if you can find any), but remember, if you have it now you won’t be able to get any in the future when you might really have it. And even if you do manage to get some it won’t work next time round, and you will probably DIE. It’s your call. Now please don’t bother the NHS again. Malingerer.

Ends

Welcome friends, welcome.....

These are difficult times, an era of dread and uncertainty when rogue states trying to make a name acquire weapons of mass destruction and look to initiate nuclear Armageddon. Shadowy terrorist networks hold our horrified hearts in their apocryphal grasp, heralding a new era of violence and fear as Arabs, mincers and reality TV stars all crop up on the hit-list of the ignorant and bloodthirsty. With teenage suicide bomb wannabes and infant jihadis queuing up to martyr themselves against the backdrop of a collapsing economy, people who clearly represent the earthly embodiment of all that is evil such as Bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinesad or Jo Whiley are allowed to appear on television channels for black propaganda purposes.

Against this unstable backdrop of destruction and turmoil, when the flabby peoples of the first world desperately need calming, comes a new webzine-cum-journal-cum-twenty-first-century-balm-cum-satirical-opus-cum-naughty schoolboys-writing-rude-words-on-the-blackboard-when-Miss-isn't-looking. Yes, HomeDefenceUK.com is here, and although it won't put anyone's mind at ease, it is free. And as we roll further into this unsettling, polarised and potentially apocalyptic third millennium, it might make you laugh. And that's something isn't it? Anything more, like psychoanalysis or cranial massage, and we'd have to charge a fee. Depending on nubility that is.

So if you're looking for tips on how to spot a nuclear exchange, where the next threat to your well-being might come from, and what's been going on in UK affairs of late; everything the establishment press won't tell you about, this is the site to add to your favourites. We also supply lifestyle guides, the latest pop music, Hot Lunches and an overall sense of impending doom. Plus we promise not to mollycoddle you. Things are bad, and we're terrified, probably more than an agoraphobic xenophobe. So trust us. We'll never send you unmarked packages that somehow smell wrong or yell "GEDDOWN, SNIPER!" in a crowded shopping centre, however convinced we might be that heavily-set man on the walkway has a gun in his holdall. Promise.

Home Defence UK is updated on a bi-monthly basis, keeping you 'on-message' regarding today's issues and cultural trends, the writing team constantly on standby should the sirens begin to wail. Comment, reaction, suggestions, insults, and reasonably priced second-hand weaponry to the electronic mail addresses below please.

Enjoy yourselves everyone, and welcome to whatever comes after capitalism...

CONTRIBUTORS:

Al Likilla runs the operation out of a Ballardian futureplex with en-suite waterfowl in North London and is always willing to receive suggestions, submissions, opinions, threats, and legal advice of any kind at al@homedefenceuk.com. He will write for food.

Clint Panzerdivision has recently given up on the Bingo dream and moved to North London to be

closer to his beloved 'Gooners', a team he has been supporting since the evening of 8th April 2008 when

it became apparent he needed to blend in with the natives. He can be contacted (albeit intermittently) at clint@homedefenceuk.com.

Botham Squab - For as long as can be remembered, the kitchens of these lands have been shrouded in darkness. Clouds shaped like tall chefs’ hats have plunged the world into the tyrannical culinary rule of but a few, of Fancy Dan celebrity prima donnas telling everyone what to do. But there was a time when cooks and warriors roamed the land side by side. When honour and chivalry ordered the day, and some stew on a weeknight would suffice (or scampi & chips for a special occasion). And so It is written that a new hero will come, a man with no previous experience in the restaurant trade, who will rid us of this despotism and thereby bring light and reason back to the world. That man is not Botham Squab people, let’s make that perfectly clear.

Dick Holder International playboy and porn legend Holder funds his extravagent lifestyle by teaching "sums" to the overprivileged offspring of wealthy Somerset landowners. He is the world's leading authority in the field of cartographic fetishism.

Archibald Scamp is Home Defence's 'Health & Lifestyle Consultant' and is also doing his bit to improve England's dwindling birth rate. He could be teaching your children.

The Very Reverend Harry Figgis O.B.E. is a fully ordained Pastor thanks to the US-based 'New Horizon Ministry'. He joins Home Defence to share his ideas for wasting time in small-town England, and can be contacted on TheVeryReverendHarryFiggisOBE@hotmail.com for spiritual guidance and reliable interior design advice. He was made an honorary member of the Order of the British Empire by an extremely stoned Prince Harry in December 2003.

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