To the research department of the University of Bristol, where recent attempts to discover if a synthesized version of the psychoactive element THC (tetro-hydro-cannabinol) found in the illegal drug cannabis can be used to treat a variety of ailments, have been fatally undermined by the behaviour of the test subjects. “It was all going so well. We applied for permission, procured the equipment, then set up the conditions like sensible adults.” The head of these clinical trials, Dr. Rik Elderberry, told Home Defence. “Volunteers with a variety of untreatable conditions such as Multiple Sclerosis, Anorexia Nervosa, and terminal Cancer, were all enlisted to test the oft-repeated anecdotal evidence, how marijuana can alleviate their symptoms more satisfactorily than any prescription drug.” Initial hopes were high and buoyed by government cooperation, an unprecedented move for a Labour party that still holds any type of marijuana to be both dangerous and addictive, believing it to destroy human fertility, the immune system, and society itself, finally leading to the conversion of your home into a crack den a few years down the line when you’re too strung out to notice. However, this morning optimism was high around the patient room. Yet within ten minutes of the first specially prepared ‘pure booner’ joints being passed round, and as the room began to fill with vast clouds of green smoke from the subjects’ lungs, the experiment began to go horribly “At first the effects of the drug seemed benign. Men and women who, a few minutes previously, could talk of little but the discomfort they were in, and how God should be punished for what he’d done, began responding to my questions with chuckles and the occasional ‘dude!’” Explained Elderberry. “But by the time we began scribbling down our first impressions, two of the A.I.D.S. sufferers were giving each other blowbacks, then some guy in a wheelchair began constructing a makeshift bong out of the coffee maker. It was apparent we would soon have a state of anarchy on our hands, so the nurses confiscated the remaining stash, hid the hash cakes they’d made for supper, and waited for the effects to wear
off. Unfortunately many of the subjects grew upset, saying we were ‘one big bummer’, and that the doctors
wanted to ‘ruin their trip’. Then a woman with M.E. announced how one of her neighbours was probably a dealer
so they all piled into the minibus to find him, stopping at a garage on the way. To be honest, we were glad to
see them go.”
Marijuana has been used medicinally around the world for over four thousand years, with the ancient civilizations
of Egypt, Africa and India, all aware of the drug’s potential to help the sick. The substance is currently available through the Health Care Programmes of many countries, including Canada and Holland, and was prescribed across the U.S. until 1937, a year when its proven herbal uses ameliorating fatigue, restoring appetite, remedying nausea, and diminishing pain, came to be outweighed by the horrors associated with one’s daughters listening to jazz music, consorting with ‘nigras’, and generally having a good time.
Today British authorities remain against this Grade C classified narcotic, seeing it as a ‘gateway drug’ that leads to cocaine, smack, and bacon-double cheeseburgers. In fact, many government officials fear a world where cannabis is legalised, arguing that the effects would be “negative and disastrous”. Studies suggest these consequences could include a slight downturn in capitalist productivity, a lower standard of driving, and a slump in the profits of the alcohol industry. A concurrent argument runs along the lines that, were marijuana to be freely available, users would think nothing of upping their dosage, until individuals approached the seven-thousand-joints-a-session level, at which point they would die from an overdose.
Previous attempts to extract the THC from high-grade skunk and synthesize marijuana into a fluid, thereby removing all pleasure for the patient, have failed, and following this debacle it seems unlikely the government will give permission to experiment again in future. In a stroke the authorities have again rendered illegal the actions of sufferers around the country, thousands of whom experience severe migraines or the adverse effects of chemotherapy. The Crown Prosecution Service are also prepared to act, sending individuals who use to prison, and imposing long sentences if the unwell so much as take a toke off the communal doobie.
“It’s all very well informing us how inhumane it is to incarcerate the terminally ill.” Labour’s Chief Medical Officer, William Kurtz, told HDUK. “But how can we tell if this drug has restorative properties when the person taking it is too busy howling with laughter to give us a straight answer? To me it’s clear those participating in the trials had a great deal of fun on this ‘pot’, too much for us to discern whether the substance works as an effective anti-emetic or alleviates glaucoma. Some even speculate that THC can help the soon-to-be-deceased suffer a kinder death, but I wouldn’t want my nearest and dearest laughing their heads off while lying on their deathbeds. It wouldn’t be
“The test subjects were expected to treat this as a serious experiment, helping us to separate the clinical
aspects of the drug from its ‘fun’ side.” Kurtz went on. “We never dreamt for a moment that they would
start to sing in close harmony or dance a little jig. These people have serious problems, and suddenly all
they want to do is ‘par-tay’? I want them grumpy and miserable, despising fate for the hand it’s dealt them,
not collapsing in fits of laughter because they think the doctor has a silly accent. If we can’t look to the
terminally ill for moral guidance, then society is truly going to hell in a handbasket!”
Meanwhile the majority of those subjects who featured in the abortive trials are now safely in custody,
captured after briefly founding a commune outside Clifton. This experiment in drug-fuelled communal living
was ended last Wednesday by anti-terror police, who decided to storm the gathering of teepees because
they were desperate for the overtime.