To number Ten Downing Street, where the UK’s second female Prime Minister is giving a speech outside her new home. Here dozens of
servile reporters have begun to bow and scrape, tugging their forelocks in the general direction of Vicar’s daughter May, that kitten-heeled
saviour of our nation through troubled times, as she responds in hushed and soothing tones.
“I know it’s been difficult and scary for all of us in this, the best of all possible countries, of late,” May cooed reassuringly. “What with turmoil
on the markets, a terrible Euro 2016 for our football team, pictures of dead children in the newspapers and a very real threat of recession, But I just want everyone to know – I’ve arrived so nothing bad can happen, not anymore.”
In fact, May beat out her leadership rivals in seconds through sheer willpower and by dint of actually wanting the job. Then she appointed the vanquished Andrea Leadsom
to the thankless role of Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, purely to satisfy her lust for revenge. Such manoeuvring has seen May approvingly
nicknamed ‘The Terminatrix’ on social media and loved by old men who comment on the Telegraph online. The Prime Minister went on:
“BREXIT’s all been taken care of and there’s barely a disagreement in my cabinet – people who like the idea will make the whole thing
happen or die trying, so you shouldn’t worry your pretty little heads about it. We will never allow adversity to impact upon you the people,
my beloved children. I have assurances from Sam Allardyce that he will bring an unprecedented level of success to our sporting
side and, in a year still reeling from the loss of David Bowie, Carla Lane and Victoria Wood, I promise that no more beloved British
celebrities will give you an unpleasant sense of bereavement by proxy by dying while still having so much to offer. Not on my watch.”
“Whatever David and George did wrong, I can put right. Are you worried about your jobs, declining pay or the national debt? Don’t. Mummy’s here and she has it all under control.
Thank you, thank you very much.”
Rather than attempt to quiz the new Prime Minister on any of the specifics behind her promises, the assembled pressmen instead broke into a spontaneous round of
applause and, as Theresa retreated back inside number ten, journalists from the Mail and Sunday Times could be seen wiping tears of joy from each others’ eyes.
The establishment, financial markets and Conservative-voters across Middle England have reacted with a huge sigh of relief to
May’s assurances, including those that relate to matters utterly outside her control. They include house prices, the weather, and
what the European Union will do to punish this country when we’re finally forced to trigger article 50.
But in a time of uncertainty, turmoil, attacks on immigrants and lingering questions about whether we should be spending billions
employing dodgy Chinese companies to build our nuclear power plants, the public at large is clinging to whatever comfort it can get.
Key assurances are now coming from our granite-faced leader, so invested in putting a smile on the face of her ‘dependents’ across
a modern British landscape of buy-to-lets and food banks, she has even appointed her old enemy Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary, a man who has been repeatedly described
as “a massive cockwomble” - what a great gal!
“May’s honeymoon boost in the polls is evidence of the gentle consolation and feelings of security she gives the public at large, ever since she was successful in her Prime Ministerial
campaign; number one in a field of one.” So says Westminster analyst and head of right-wing think-tank ‘The Prole Subsidising Alliance’, Flaky Dadbod (left). “By lying low through the
referendum campaign then casting herself as our nation’s saviour; a mystical matriarch who can make a clean break with those Old Etonian fuckwits and sort out this mess, May has
characterised herself as honest, trustworthy and a friend to the poor. She has even rebranded the hated concept of austerity as simply ‘being careful with the household budget’, like any
good domestic goddess.”
“And this despite her first actions in power pointing towards the exact opposite intent. These included the removal of bursaries for
midwives, abandoning Cameron’s obesity strategy, hiking social housing rents and overseeing the removal of the Educational
Maintenance Allowance, an initiative that once helped poor people continue their studies without getting into enormous debt. Now she is even preparing for the
removal of the ‘Human Rights Act’ – a particular bete noire of mummy’s. Sorry, I mean the Prime Minister’s.”
“Thankfully no one notices these things because the media doesn’t really report them,” Flaky Dadbod went on. “They’re too busy tracking Jeremy Corbyn’s
movements on CCTV or applauding Team GB to notice May probably doesn’t have everyone’s best interests at heart as she says. But Theresa’s too smart to
be caught out like simple-minded leftists – she will unite the Conservative Party with her iron determination and terrifying stare, and she won’t be caught dead
travelling by train either.”
Yes, many see our new leader as adding a touch of glamour to the political game; with her gray skin, sober hair and total absence of humour; she's the parent we've
always wanted but never quite got – assured, capable; unwilling to admit the truth of our family’s straitened circumstances, even when we’re clearly in terrible
trouble. No one’s going to smash this Granite Lady back on her heels – they wouldn’t dare. Yes, she is a woman who, during her first appearance as P.M. boasted:
“Of course I will press the nuclear button and kill hundreds of thousands of innocents, and I’ll laugh really hard while I’m doing it, make no mistake about that. War
calls for difficult decisions and we are very likely in the middle of one right now, I haven’t checked. If not, we soon will be. Ready the warheads!” Around here we call
that tough love.
But some have questioned whether everything is actually going to be “brilliant from now on” as May’s team claim, citing growing poverty, inequality and homelessness,
as well as the years expending time and money to extricate ourselves from the EU rather than, for example, feeding lower class orphans. They also point to a large group of ‘naughty children’, as May calls those who choose to rebel against her parental authority. These ingrates have joined a progressive movement to campaign for
ridiculous things like secure work or peace and justice for all, the crazy bastards.
“Don’t worry my child, that’s never going to work.” The Prime Minister told a heavily-perspiring Eamon Holmes during a televised
interview earlier today. “We have ways and means of preventing Jeremy Corbyn from happening so don’t fret my pet. Mummy’s
here and it’s all going to go wonderfully. There’s not a world leader I haven’t tamed – be it Putin, Mrs Clinton or Hollande. We’re
going to do some fabulous things; ending the scourge of drugs, wiping out the deficit, spending billions renewing Trident and
stopping terror from taking place, ever again. My government, one no one voted for but everyone is very happy with, will also
ensure any localised rules around the rights of humans are only used on a provisional basis, as and when. Things are terrific
and the time for emotions like anxiety or fear has passed. The British electorate must settle downand be quiet. Don’t make me
come over there.”
A visibly emotional Holmes (right) then called for Theresa May to overcome the lingering sadness of her own childlessness by adopting him and the sixty-four million civilians
who make up the United Kingdom. Holmes tried to lean in for a hug but was rebuffed before pleading to be permitted to call Theresa by a more familiar name than ‘Prime
Minister’. May responded to this with: “I’m no saint, but if all my unfortunate, directionless progeny out there want to call me ‘Mother Theresa’, who am I to argue?”