To nominally-Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters in New York. Here approximately ten thousand
members of the press and media await more batshit pronouncements from the gurning racist; a man often known as ‘Fuckface Von
Clownstick’ who vast swathes of Americans will vote for come November because “he says funny stuff” and they “done seen him on that
thar TV show Tha ‘Prentice.”
But this latest pronouncement has still come as a shock, even to jaded hacks who recently reported in all seriousness Trump’s claim that: ‘Barack Obama is a
Muslim terrorist’, along with: ‘Vote for me and I’ll make crime disappear overnight’ and the famous: ‘If you really loved me you goddamn people, you’d take up your
weapons and shoot Hillary right in her crooked face!’
Word in the crowd is that, shockingly late in the day, Trumpy-boy has taken the unprecedented move of relieving his Vice-Presidential wannabe and erstwhile running mate, Mike Pence, of his
duties. This comes after Pence (left) struggled to keep up with Trump’s stream-of-consciousness, on the hoof policy-making in recent weeks, often differing from the Commander-in-Chief-to-be
on the fine details of policies like making the US great again, sub-contracting Vladimir Putin for I.T. work and building a wall round everything white America holds
“It is with great regret The Donald must announce he has unceremoniously kicked Mikey to the kerb.” Trump’s newly-installed fourth campaign manager of
the year, Chesty Tugger (right), told the assembled hacks standing in the road to block Fifth Avenue. “Too often Mike has undermined The Donald’s
authority, with Pence against name-calling at the highest levels of public life, or saying NATO is a good thing, or claiming [deceased US soldier] Humayun
Khan was an American hero rather than “just one more dirty Muslim” as Mr Trump maintains.” The Texan acolyte drawled. “Pence felt obliged to express
his opinion on certain occasions, words that weren’t always aligned with whatever contradictory statements happened to be coming out of Donald’s
mouth at that particular moment.”
“What we need to replace the Governor of Indiana, who is no longer part of this Campaign, is a running mate who echoes Trump’s sentiments, rather than following his own autonomous political path, We also expect the wannabe Vice President to get those dingbats who vote for people purely on the basis of entertainment value clapping their hands in delight then rushing to the polling stations come November 8th, eager to get a-votin’.
We were discussing the requirements back at campaign headquarters when ‘Any Which Way You Can’ came on the TV, which is one of Mr Trump’s favourite movies. After
watching Clint fighting hundreds of other men, slack-jawed, Donald suddenly rose to his feet, pointed at the screen and yelled – ‘That’s it!’”
“I now present to you – the next Vice President of the USA: Clyde the Orang-Utan!” Mr Tugger cried as applause started up with a zookeeper
appearing from inside the glistening building, holding the hand of a hairy monkey. There was a collective intake of breath from the assembled
media as Clyde was invited to address the press, something he did by giving them the finger, blowing raspberries into a microphone then
making excited ooh-ooh-ooh noises while jumping around with hands crooked under his armpits, to the delight of nearby tourists.
Indeed, Fox News and National Geographic are already calling Trump’s latest experiment with American politics “a triumph’, claiming Clyde will
soon become the first non-human Vice President in this once-proud nation’s history. The orang-utan has already been singlehandedly
credited with a poll bounce, one that has taken Trump level with Hillary Clinton for the first time in months. Stunned by this development, the Democratic nominee is said to be looking into
replacements for her lacklustre himbo running mate Tim Kaine, with Kaine currently under threat from internet celebrities including Grumpy Cat and ‘SweePee Rambo’, holder of the trophy
for world’s ugliest dog.
As American Political Analyst and amateur psychotherapist Snowflake Cymbalta told HDUK: “This is a masterstroke by a flailing campaign.
Trump has clearly identified Mike Pence’s tendency to respond to questions in a rational manner as a weakness, and chosen to ‘buddy up’ with
a creature who never contradicts him instead. Clyde’s also orange, so they’re a matching pair!”
“I hear the Trump campaign was originally looking at a holographic representation of Donald as Pence’s replacement, or possibly some kind of Artificial Intelligence, but
there was something in the rulebook to stop that. Besides, Donald gets jealous of synthetic representations of himself, particularly when they demonstrate a higher level
of emotional or intellectual sophistication. But when Trump heard there was nothing in the constitution to prevent him widening his
nomination to cover the animal kingdom, he initially listed a preferred top three of ‘rhinoceros’, ‘woolly mammoth’ and ‘sparkly unicorn’. Thankfully sanity prevailed as Donald’s
love for cinema came to the fore instead. If there was anything the Republican candidate for President lacked that could be found in right-wing celebrities with political success
in the past - men like Ronald Reagan or Clint Eastwood – it’s the sight of him on the nation’s TV screens embracing a large, comedy ape.”
Indeed, this ‘Clyde’ will accompany Trump in the final months of his campaign and is a direct genetic descendant of the monkey who was so ill-treated during the filming of a
redneck-pleasing sequel from 1980. Along with ‘Manis’, who starred in ‘Every Which Way But Loose’, the monkey would become one of the biggest box office simians ever,
remembered more vividly than Eastwood’s portrayal of Philo Beddoe in the twin cinematic masterpieces.
Home Defence has learned this new orang-utan has been trained to do the wonderful tricks drive-in audiences once delighted in,
such as punching the nearest pundit in the face whenever Trump yells ‘Right Turn Clyde!’ and shotgunning a Miller Lite if we need
to be distracted from Donald’s latest racialisms. Clyde is also expected to delight supporters by occasionally rearranging his hair to match the Presidential nominee’s when
speeches start to drag and photobombing Trump every day, from now until Election Day.
But naysayers claim that Trump is bringing America’s storied political tradition into disrepute by promoting a sort of large gorilla-thing
in this way. Indeed, the Republican Party was less than impressed when, during a recent interview with Fox News bimbo Megyn Kelly,
Trump’s response to allegations of stealing Paul Ryan’s economic policy was interrupted by the Vice-Presidential candidate playing
with himself on camera. A visibly aroused Clyde then jumped up to swing from the light fittings in a dangerous manner, meaning the
live symposium had to be abandoned.
But Trump won’t have a word uttered against his orang-utan friend, calling Clyde “the most natural politician I’ve ever worked with” and joking “we make a great team – I’ve got the
looks and he covers the brain department!” But as HDUK was going to press a new scandal threatened to engulf this campaign, with
witnesses claiming Trump’s right-hand man, Chesty Tugger, was seen beating Clyde with an axe handle during a recent Iowa tour stop, the campaign manager forcing this
primate to leave the bus and “meet his public”,
Such allegations have been strongly denied by Trump’s team who claim they were just “friendly blows” and the only issue with Clyde’s role in the campaign is: “the amount
of faeces that gets thrown – the monkey really doesn’t like it.”