Rioting Schoolchildren To Decide In an attempt to listen to the nation's youth, or at least seem to be, the government yesterday announced that from now on Britain's role in international conflicts would be dictated by a cross-section of fifteen year olds from Comprehensives around the country. We have listened to these kids who make the political decision to skip their lessons and participate in anti-war demonstrations each time our army is called into a dangerous situation and realised they have much to teach us." Said David Blunkett in a morning press conference. "From their cogent political views we soon came to realise that, quite apart from talking a great deal of sense, these children are this country's future and must be heard."
"In today's society youth too often takes precedence over experience, knowledge and qualifications. However in this instance these kids seem to know far more than myself or the rest of the cabinet. With this in mind we are now passing all responsibility for the government's foreign policy over to them. Jack Straw will be handing all official duties over to his son later today, with effect immediately."
In an effort to assess the wisdom of such a major change in policy homedefenceuk.com donned our chemical suits and went out into the big scary world. We prowled the playgrounds of England for days, hoping to discover just what global beliefs these whippersnappers held. Here are the results:
"No war!" - Agatha, 9, from Bolton.
"Christina Aguilera should entertain the troops, she's dirrrty." - Jeremy, 14, Bishop's Stortford.
"There is no justification for armed conflict of any sort. The armed forces of this country should be disbanded immediately. Will you tell Daniel Robinson in 4F I fancy him?" - Margaret Rice, 15, Basildon.
"I don't fink Pres Bush should drop bombs 'cause bombs hit home where not ev'body inside have done bad like dat boy wiv no arms." - Benny Smith, 7, Plymouth
"The government has my full backing in whatever it chooses to do under the inspired leadership of Tony Blair." - Peter Mandelson, 49, London.
"Have you got a fag?" Brian Murphy, 15, Totland.
"War bad!" - Katie, 10, Leeds.
So there you have it. Personally I don't know what the hell the government are thinking, but I guess these kids need to be judged on results rather than vague intentions, just as Tony Blair has repeatedly requested. They might have sent out mixed messages during our research, but, strangely enough, a closer look shows that the philosophy of the secondary school is no more confused than that which emanates from a Labour party divided into bloodthirsty nutters and hand-wringing liberals. Those hours spent hanging around school gates enlightened us in many ways, not least in proving to us that children have a lot to teach the adult world, although not about sanitary habits. If you happen to be a child reading this just stop and think for a moment, because with great power comes great responsibility. As George Bush Snr once said to his son: "For fuck's sake kid, sober up and do something with your life." Now look at him go.