Following the dramatic ratings decrease in Minor Celebrity-generator Big Brother during series four,
producers are understandably desperate to attract more viewers for next year's series. With
advertisers threatening to pull out altogether and an easygoing Scottish champion who possesses
all the charisma of a tea cosy, the pressure is really mounting. Not surprising then, that BB top
brass have decided to come up with a new 'reward room' theme which will have the housemates
literally screaming for more. Having secured a special dispensation from the Home Office, all contestants will be allowed to enter a specially constructed Crack Den in the summer 2004 run where they will be encouraged to smoke as many pipes as their nervous systems can stand. That is, until supplies are suddenly withdrawn. Producers have also confirmed that the naive lambs will be allowed to buy the substance out of their 'shopping budget' instead of basic foodstuffs and have access to limited supplies of methadone for when the shakes start to kick in.
The creative minds behind BB are hoping for a show full of emaciated, junky housemates where further intrigue will be introduced as contestants develop full-blown addictions, forming resentments toward those whose supplies are slightly more plentiful. Further intriguing twists are set to be revealed as auditions for 2004 get underway, although reports of electrified toilet seats, an Iron Maiden, monkeys with flick knives, and a Russian Roulette-style task where one of the housemates' brains will have to be scraped off the wall by the winner, have not, so far, been confirmed. We can only pray.
In a bold move of solidarity, the heads of the world banks joined forces today to condemn former Take
That star Robbie Williams for his alleged role in the downturn of the global economy. The bad
economic weather, which has seen markets falter and predictions of a worldwide financial crash, is
seen by experts as a direct result of Williams' latest album, 'Escapology', failing to crack the key US
"This is a silly overreaction" claimed Williams' haggard-looking publicist in a press conference this afternoon. "Robbie has done more for the cause of capitalism than all the other British solo stars of the past five years put together. Now get out of my sight."
Robert 'Robbie' Williams has not been seen in public for over a month, ever since the Knebworth "debacle" which saw planners fail to take into account the possibility that there might be more cars than the traffic system could hold due to bloody loads of 'fans' hanging around the neighbourhood.
The word at the Met Bar is that the soon-to-be-minor celebrity has holed himself up in his multi-million pound Essex mansion, spending his days making crank calls to Guy Chambers or humming tunelessly, only leaving the grounds to purchase yogurt-based drinks or procure young girls. Things have looked bleak for the cheeky, self-referential, singer ever since the EMI share price dropped ten points on the day first-week US sales of his latest opus were announced. While still popular around the European backwaters, songs like 'It Hurts Being This Rich' and 'A Tale About Me Monkey' have failed to charm the Yanks, resulting in Billboard sales which amount to (as one U.S. promoter observed), "the square root of fuck all".
Frank Bruno Is Gay! EXCLUSIVE!
Having battled his way through a heavyweight career which ended in farce with his defeat of a tearful
and confused Oliver McCall, thumpy legend Frank Bruno has fought some of Planet Earth's hardest
individuals, including Mike Tyson and Abs from 5ive. But now the gloves are really off, as Bruno
prepares to slug it out against his most fearsome adversary so far homophobia. Living behind a
smokescreen of domestic bliss for the past twenty years, few suspected that the UK's silliest
heavyweight boxer was desperate to melt into the shape of an effeminate prancing queen.
"It's all been a lie, and maybe the anger behind every punch was fuelled by my resentment at having to pretend to be a Man's Man", wept Frank. "Now I know what made Justin Fashanu blue."
Now that he's out of the closet, Bruno can finally reveal the truth behind his enduring friendship with boxing commentator Harry Carpenter.
"Our mutual admiration was more than any of our loyal fans could have guessed," sobbed Frank. "He's a beautiful man and I always wanted to hold him close to me, know what I mean 'Arry? Thankfully he felt the same way, and we've been lovers for the past couple of years. We're doing it behind closed doors, taking all the appropriate precautions, and not hurting anybody so what's the problem ducky?"
After so many years of pain caused by his repressed sexuality, Bruno is happy his secret is finally out and he's teamed up with naughty electro-popsters Erasure to record a special version of "I Am What I Am". This surefire hit will ensure that at last the world knows what, and who, he really is. Home Defence says - well done Frankie! You're striking a 'blow' for the rights of the gays everywhere. Just don't try and bum us, okay? 'Kay.
Adam Ant "Set Fire To My Children"
Mentally confused eighties popster Adam Ant, 48, was the subject of further concern and innuendo
last night following rumours that he attempted to burn a bunch of kids to death. The alleged incident
occurred in May of this year when Ant, real name Stuart Abraham Goddard, became pursued by a
group of pre-teens from his local primary school in Primrose Hill. These kids spotted his stetson and
couldn't help ridiculing the man who used to dress up as a pirate for a living. Unfortunately, while the
eleven year olds were circling and jeering, Ant was busily pushing copies of the Daily Mail into their
jacket pockets and using a lighter in an amateurish attempt to incinerate them.
Luckily none of the children were seriously hurt, but this news comes as a further blow to
'Antmaniacs' everywhere, who have recently had to come to terms with irrational Ant-acts such as
Adam threatening pub-goers with a starting pistol, recording a 'dirty' 7-inch of pornographically
unlistenable music and throwing a car alternator through the window of a ponce-bar. Goddard was put
under psychiatric supervision last October for increasingly nutzoid behaviour but, such was the
degeneration in his mental state, by 2003 he had to be forcibly sectioned. The diagnosis of manic
depression (from which Ant is unlikely to recover) forever tarnishes vintage footage of the rocker we
once loved singing "ridicule is nothing to be scared of", while this latest episode seems like the culmination of a downward spiral, a spiral which began when Ant was living in California and became depressed after a stalker poisoned his carp.
A parent of one of the children at the centre of July's intended immolation spoke out for the first time yesterday, giving Home Defence her views on the shitstorm.
"Normal people just don't do that sort of thing," said the still-shaken mother. "Thank God all those kiddies got away, my little urchin had the presence of mind to remove the flaming paper from his pocket and run after Mr. Ant screaming You're a wanker! at the top of his voice. That boy's a hero."
John Virgo "Possessed By Spirit Of Bill
Veteran snooker player turned game show host John Virgo, whose glum Northern
persona has wowed BBC Snooker and Big Break TV audiences alike for well over
decade, has become possessed by the spirit of the late Bill Werbeniuk, the star's
closest friend claims. Racist 'funnyman' Jim Davidson witnessed at first hand how
his best mate ballooned in weight, developing an insatiable desire for double vodkas and pints of Labatt's lager
since the death of Canada's fattest-ever sporting hero in January of this year. Famed for his love of alcohol and
balls, Werbeniuk emerged from the frozen wastelands of Quebec during the seventies to become one of
snooker's most charismatic stars. His legendary consumption, which sometimes reached 20 pints during
longer matches, was an extreme measure designed to combat a twitch in his cue arm that had threatened to
shatter his professional career. Controversially, it was also claimed that he liked being pissed.
"John Virgo is definitely possessed by Bill", claimed Davidson yesterday. "Over the past six months he's been drinking from the moment he wakes up until his eventual slump into unconsciousness in the early hours of the morning. God knows how much longer he can keep it up because it's destroying his comic timing and all his no-dads are covered in nasty stains." Virgo himself was unavailable for comment last night, his wife Audrey saying he was "at a public-speaking engagement in Dunstable". However it seems obvious to HDUK that this was a barefaced lie and the great man, whose collection of jolly "no dad, don't make me wear that" waistcoats is almost as large as Giles Brandreth's pullover stockpile, was actually inside, up to his neck in Canadian Club whisky. And vomit.
Yes! It's More...
Minor Celebrity Gossip!
with Bert Infiltration and Al Likilla
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Virgo: "Covered in stains."
Ant: "Increasingly nutzoid behaviour."
Bruno & Carpenter: "Man-love".
Justin Timberlake And His Terminal Squirts
Timberlake: "diarrhoea problems."
Pop heart-throb and former N-Sync dancer Justin Timberlake this week confirmed he would have to
reschedule the UK dates of his phenomenally overrated world tour due to what his press officer would only
refer to as "diarrhoea problems". Timberlake, who has recently built a career around aping Off The Wall-era
Michael Jackson for gullible teenagers who weren't around in 1986, first became the subject of toilet-related
rumours during a Belgian gig when, halfway through a high energy rendition of 'Rock Your Body', his eyes
were seen to cross. The singer then stopped his vocals and sidestepped, red-faced, from the stage, failing to
reappear for more than ten minutes - much to the consternation of the many Belgians in the crowd.
A former roadie from Timberlake's N-Sync days told Home Defence: "This has been going on for years and the lad really ought to have seen a doctor by now, but I think he's too embarassed. When I was in charge of organising the group's costumes rumour had it that Justin changed his underpants six times a day. At first I thought it was because he was obsessive about hygiene or maybe got through a lot of groupies, but that guy who almost got shot into space told me no. He changes his drawers so much because he keeps on cacking in them."