To Whitehall in London where Home Secretary Theresa May is swanning around like Lady Muck, emboldened
by the passing of her ‘Communications Data Bill’ through parliament. This so-called ‘snoopers’ charter’ will allow those in power to access a year of
data collected from every single citizen across the United Kingdom. Said information will include web pages visited, emails sent or received and all kinds of social media interaction, a development
that is expected to revolutionize the literally never-ending war on terror.
“This is the best £1.8 billion our government could ever spend,” Mrs May’s assistant and personal dresser, Grasper Overton-Window (right), told Home Defence. “With these
guaranteed powers, if we suspect a Muslim of possessing extreme views or hurting the British way of life, the Home Office will simply ask his Internet Service Provider to
supply us with everything he’s written or looked at recently. These details, however irrelevant or tenuous, could see the chap locked up indefinitely on some vague pretext,
which is a great way of protecting the Great British public.”
“The smoking gun might simply be a passing visit to an extremist web page, a message that mentions Islamic State or a tweet in support of Jeremy Corbyn’s love for Osama
Bin Laden.” Mr Overton-Window went on. “All of this could be important, with the evidence now accessible and admissible in court, successfully making decent people feel safer.
There might be other uses too, like stopping protests at source, or prosecuting anyone who visits the DarkNet. But in the short term, access to everything you’ve said or done
will be focussed on one thing – increasing the impression we’re taking the wisest course to counteract a massive terrorist threat. There’s nothing better than finding
scapegoats we can take into custody in revenge for atrocities elsewhere, as if that achieves something. After all, it worked for the Americans at Guanatamo.”
Indeed, as May was celebrating her pet piece of legislation succeeding, a law that will allow Cameron’s government to keep tabs on
everything done by unsympathetic journalists, corporate whistleblowers and troublemakers everywhere, her rival in the forthcoming Tory
Leadership Race was sticking his oar in. Fresh from promising the Chinese whatever they want in terms of our country’s infrastructure and
pounds sterling, Chancellor George Osborne today visited Her Majesty’s Naval Base Clyde in Faslane for the third time this year, dressed
in a hard hat and safety gear for the cameras.
“We’re going great guns on the next generation of preventative annihilation, which is very important for the safety and sovereignty of the English people.” Osborne (pictured right with
a bell) told reporters. “I’m spending at least £174 billion to replace Britain’s fleet of nuclear submarines with sparkly new ones but really, if it turns out to cost more, who cares? The
economy’s doing brilliantly and we’re a very rich country, you only have to spend time with me and my friends to know that.”
“But the clever part is how this all ties in with the snoopers’ charter.” Gorgeous George went on, his legs so far ‘manspread’ bystanders
could tell he dressed to the left. “Every respectable citizen knows the biggest threat to British millionaires and their children is Islamic State buying illicit machine parts on
the black market and assembling their own terrorist version of Trident.”
“Not only do we now have the ability to find out which homegrown jihadis have recently shopped for plutonium or used periscopes online by seizing their browser histories, we also
maintain the ability to shoot enemy submersibles out of the water with our own fleet of hi-tech super-ships. Wonderful, wonderful toys they
are.”
A journalist from the Huffington Post then asked Osborne if it was likely the biggest security threats to the UK could get hold of a submarine
and take on our freedom-loving ways from the sea like some shouty version of The Hunt For Red October, rather than say, shooting up
people on dry land, as in Paris. The same reporter went on to point out that the only terrorist murder on these isles since 7/7 had been
committed using a car and a machete, neither of which can legitimately be disarmed by a fucking great nuclear boat. By way of response, the Chancellor just sneered.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answered at last. “My delightful, eminently capable and stylishly-dressed colleague Theresa, along with
her team of web experts, monitor dozens of weapon exchange websites to prevent plots every single day of the week – they’ve just foiled another one
while we’ve been talking now. I can’t categorically state whether any of these involve extremists constructing nuclear submarines with a bunch of parts
they’ve bought off eBay. Nor can I say whether said jihadis would then set sail into the North Sea after learning how to work the submersible’s controls
by watching tutorials on YouTube. But let’s just say nothing scares a home-grown terrorist more than loads of warheads moored off the coast of Scotland
and leave it at that shall we?”
“The recent outrages in France might have gone very differently if Francois Hollande, everyone’s favourite
socialist warmonger, had launched nuclear missiles at the ISIS cell.” Osborne went on. “And what about Putin?
He might be all about Turkey at the moment, but he’s been a step ahead of us for far too long. My party knows
Russia’s been monitoring the internet usage of its citizens for years - it helps the President crack down on the
opposition in a way we Conservatives can only dream of. Imagine if the Russkis decide to invade; they might
want Britain’s natural resources or celebrities or something. The UK’s a big player on the world stage after all,
and it’s certainly not true to say the real superpowers barely pay attention to us. After the Ukraine and Turkey,
England could be next on Putin’s hit-list.”
“It all illustrates why this is vital, spending most of our country’s money on these lovely bits of kit. Once on the brink of nuclear war, nothing reassures a nation of hardworking
hardworkers more than seeing quality nuclear missiles, all designed and built in the UK, flying overhead in response to supposed ‘intelligence’.” Osborne asserted. “This could
be a couple of adolescents jokingly exchanging messages on Vine, or some Academic researching the history of al-Qaida. Combine the snoopers’ charter with Trident, and
extremists everywhere will think twice about getting on the wrong side of us.”
