Who needs 'Now', 'Hello', 'Ok' or a frontal lobotomy, when you've got Bert Infiltration & Al Likilla?
John Fashanu 'Once A Lady' Shocker
Ever resourceful in our attempts to seek out the latest revelations from the world of the
less-than-famous, HDUK has learnt from a reliable source that former Wimbledon and
Aston Villa striker John Fashanu, who was granted a new lease of celebrity life following
his appearance on 'I'm a Celebrity, Fire My Agent' and in the dock for 'I'm a Celebrity,
Get My Solicitor', is in fact a transsexual. Match-fixing, kung-fu kicking Fashanu,
formerly Nigeria's Minister for Sport, has been confirmed as having paid for an operation
on his vagina at the tender age of 16 when it was discovered he was quite good at
football. Doctors grafted a throbbing cock onto the groin so that he/she/it could sign
apprentice forms for Wimbledon and wouldn't look out of place in the showers.
This astonishing revelation follows initial claims of strangeness made by Colin Cutlets, John's first footballing mentor, and exposes another dark Fashanu family secret. Newshounds will recall the suicide of gay younger brother Justin during a police probe into allegations young boys had been fondled once or twice. But unlike his nonce brother John Fashanu appears to have been a hapless victim, caught up in the usual maelstrom of football naughtiness.
Says Cutlets, "Wimbledon saw girl done good and could fit into their evil plans assembling the most violent team in English soccer history. But Johanna's minge was a sticking point. She had to have a cock or risk perpetual obscurity in the women's game."
Home Defence attempted to quiz Fashanu about his appendage but we didn't get far. When I finally got hold of him and asked whether the claims were true Fashanu's response was brief and to the point. "Focus", he said. Although I may have misheard.
Fashanu: "Grafted a cock"
UK Representative For 'World's Unfunniest Man
To London, and the announcement this week that hairy disc jockey and radio's top unfunnyman Chris
Moyles has been picked to represent Britain at the forthcoming 'World's Least Amusing Man
Championships' in Helsinki. The inaugural event will take place during the summer at the behest of Julia Morley, the wife of the late Miss World impresario Sir Eric Morley, who is branching out into new 'revenue streams' after her faltering attempts to run a beauty contest in her dead husband's absence. That competition in Nigeria led to an outcry from feminists and several bloody street massacres but now she's banking on a bunch of comedy lightweights being a lot safer. Ms. Morley's new event features challengers from around the globe competing with fat, retarded, Moyles, in their quest to wear the crown. Rounds will include physical comedy, repartee, gurning, and the eagerly unanticipated 'Wandering Around A Caribbean Island In Swimwear' section, all of which should fail to raise so much as a titter.
The winner, and overall worst comic, will become a jetsetting ambassador around the world for the following year, enchanting developing nations with rubbish jokes and unamusing antics. After a unanimous vote from the UK judging panel our country was found to only have one real candidate.
"Ever since Chris took over from scatalogical childwoman Sara Cox on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show it's been apparent to casual listeners he has an utterly unappealing 'sense of humour'." Chortled the regional judge and British comedy store rep Dail Higgins. "Chris' obnoxious personality and loud-mouthed presenting 'technique' might be mistaken for comedy by the extremely stupid, but us professionals know better."
Early reports indicate that Moyles, whose daily blend of noise and puerility entertains nobody and who has been known to ejaculate before the stripper's even touched him, is confident of winning. Certainly the fact that he's the only male celebrity in existence who sifts through Chris Evans' rubbish for discarded schtick will count in his favour, although the entrant's repulsive appearance weighs against him, as does his weight. In fact Moyles is utterly unsuitable for TV, meaning he may have to participate in some rounds with a bag on his head, a fact which doesn't seem to have diminished his idiotic chirpiness.
"What's that? Of course I'll win! Fart! Guff! Who said I wouldn't? Terry Wogan? Terry blinkin' Wogan?!?" Shouted Moyles yesterday on learning of his nomination. "And when I win that thing you just said I'll save Leeds Utd. Then my beloved club can go on being supported by blokes like me. Whatcha think of that POO-FACE?"
Clive Dunn Seen Panicking in Public
Former Dad's Army actor Clive Dunn has this week gone against his famous catchphrase and been seen panicking in the local supermarket (Are you sure about this? Ed). Dunn, 106, was at the front of a large queue for the speedy "10 Items
or Less" till when he apparently realised he'd left his leather gentleman's purse at home.
"He just went mad, flapping his arms about and shouting 'Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring!' over and over. I thought
he was having a seizure!" said Trolley Tim, who can regularly be seen pushing several hundred shopping
trollies around the car park and scaring small children. Fortunately for Dunn, who was also the eponymous
star of hit TV show 'Grandad' for much of the 1980s, (He must be dead by now, surely? - Ed) he was
recognised by a fan who paid the £4.63 outstanding on his behalf for digestive biscuits and piccalilli.
Following the ordeal Dunn was said to have returned to his sheltered flat for "a good sit down".
Dunn: "Just went mad"
Garry Bushell Murdered By Gypsies - EXCLUSIVE!
The world of TV criticism was in mourning today following the sad news that former Sun columnist Garry Bushell has been murdered by gypsies.
Orange TV Hosts "In Danger Of Dying Out"
Following the tragic loss of perma-tanned comedian Bob Monkhouse over the festive period, the Worldwide
Fund for Nature has issued a stark warning about the immediate risk to our nation's stocks of caucasian,
yet deeply brown, celebrities.
"Of course, we've still got Des in captivity, he'll be able to work for a few more years before his skin gives
out." Said a WFN spokesman. "But who's emerging from the ranks of young presenters to replace people
like Monkhouse? We can't make do with David Dickinson forever, and it's terribly difficult to get them to
breed. We've been trying for years with no success."
The orange of today are of an entirely different breed to the music hall superstars of yesteryear, consisting mainly of silicone-enhanced slappers who want to top off their surgery with amber skin under the mistaken impression orangeness increases their desirability. In general these publicity-craving wenches are too fucking dumb to present television shows, or indeed entertain the general public in any way besides waving unnaturally bulbous breasts at politicians. The longevity of over-inflated sea lion Jordan or the charisma vacuum that is 'Posh Spice' has to be questioned when set against the five decade careers of Monkhouse and O'Connor.
Well, we at Home Defence say the time has come for action! Let's get the likes of Theakston, Jimmy Carr and unpleasant sexual deviant John Leslie to 'go orange' for the good of our country's TV industry, possibly using some combination of grants, bribes or threatening behaviour. Come on powers that be! Act now, before orange fleshbags on our sets become a part of history!
Monkhouse: Not orange anymore
Wayne Sleep is Gay - WORLD EXCLUSIVE!
Following an illustrious career in the world of ballet and a successful appearance on 'I'm A Celebrity, Let Me
Camp It Up Here For A Bit', pint-sized dancepot Wayne Sleep should be one of the happiest men alive,
shouldn't he? Shouldn't he? Well then, imagine HDUK's surprise at the news that he is in fact homosexual!
And tormented by it! A confidential and very trustworthy source yesterday called the Minor Celebrity Gossip
Hotdesk (recently relocated to Delhi for tax reasons), to drop the bombshell which is forcing the country to
rethink its views on Mr Sleep, once dubbed "Leo Sayer in a leotard" by Penelope Keith.
Indeed, if our sources are to be believed Wayne has been lurking behind dodgy wine bars to kiss and fondle commoners for most of his adult life, despite being friendly with a host of clean and respectable 'men's men' like Larry Grayson, Charles Hawtrey, Prince Charles and Liberace. Sleep was unavailable for comment when we called at his home this morning, although his companion, Vince, did admit that 'Sleepy' was a fan of both The Communards and Shirley Bassey. Who'd have thought it?