with Quentin Workshy-Fopp

Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
The Workshy-Fopp Crime Reduction Initiative
May 2014
Hello Poor People,

What a godsend that European directive about Google is. From now on I 
can delete anything that’s been said about me online, whether it’s true or not. More to the point, we Tories can instantly take down anything said in
our 2015 Election Manifesto, as well as all the other claims we’ve made in the past. It’s a win-win for us, yet again. 

Now, I understand that, as a political party, we started this current term with loads of policy ideas. We’ve since implemented 
many but, as we drift headlong toward the next election, our chances of getting anything else passed in the coming year is 
rather remote. This isn’t due to a lack of political will. Rather, it’s because we’re stuck in a coalition-slash-marriage of 
convenience with a petulant rival, all aiming for our seats. 

Lately it seems everything we put forward that Liberal lot object to. It’s not as if they disagree with the policies as such 
(just look at their manifesto U-turn to our way of thinking over tuition fees). No, you can see they’ll vote with us when it 
suits them, or if there’s something in it for the little orange shitbirds. But as we approach the general election, the 
Liberals want to seem different and somehow apart from their bedmates - our good selves. Whilst I understand the concept 
of ‘saving your ass’ in the face of political annihilation, automatically saying no to everything we want to turn into law is a tad childish. 

Why vote for them in the first place? Just vote for us and cut out the extra mouth at the table. As anyone with a brain can see, none of
this is our fault. It’s those bloody Liberals wanting to appear different all of a sudden. Or bloody UKIP, hijacking our best policies. These
days it seems like the only option for getting anything through is to rely on bills from backbenchers like myself.

Which brings me to the point of this week’s diary. At the start of the final parliament I intend to put to the house 
my own Private Members’ Bill; the patented ‘Workshy-Fopp Crime Reduction Initiative’. Forget Peter Bone’s 
bonehead idea for turning the August Bank Holiday into Thatcher Day (what a boner that was!), I’ve a real winner 
which brings together all political parties, mostly-rich types and even bloody UKIP. That’s because it’s entirely 
about rich people keeping all the money – what could be simpler?

While Duncan-Smith has been working hard on your behalf to reduce the amount of cash available to poor people in our capitalist system, 
keeping welfare down with a well-below-inflation annual increase on payments of a mere 1%, coupled with generous sanctions and dwindling 
tax credits, that’s still not enough obviously. Impoverished types still have money to waste on Bingo and booze, just ask my good friend Grant 
Shapps. You may think this is simply rich citizens being mean to you dirty poor, but I have it on good authority that a cashless economy leads 
to a safer society. We simply cannot rely on George buggering up the economic situation with interest rate rises; stripping out what little you strivers have left, or a housing bubble to put home ownership out of the reach of anyone other than filthy-rich Russians. We need to act and act now, before it’s too late. If the last Labour government taught us anything, it’s that poor people can’t be trusted with our money.

Don’t take my word for it. Marcus Felson, an eminent American criminologist, writes: “cash is the mother’s milk of crime”, and he has a point.
Unlike cars, jewellery, or works of art, cash can be concealed immediately once acquired. There are no security features to worry about, you
can spend cash easily on legal or illicit goods and, unlike other items of value, no one needs a fence to get rid of it all, just a clever
accountant. Poor types thrive on cash - it’s their motivation for street crime, burglary and petty theft, and a means to acquire drugs and booze
or spend all day in Gala bloody Bingo. I’ve come to the conclusion that money is the root cause and motivation for all crime among the lower
orders and therefore the absence of money will stop crime altogether. This is logic of the simplest, most straightforward kind.

With this in mind, what is left of the welfare system shall be delivered by debit card or EBT (Electronic Benefit Transfer). Poor people will no
longer be given cash to spend as they please, rather a network of supermarkets (also known as Tory donors) shall take their cards for goods at
over-inflated prices, thereby relieving poor types of the temptation to rob each other for cash money. The EBT system will also help reduce the
National Health Service bill, with the poor being refused booze and fags along with fatty, enjoyable foods like Twiglets or pies.

There is ample proof this system will work. A paper by Volkan Topalli for the American National Bureau of Economic Research states 
that: “for people in densely populated urban neighborhoods, the less cash they have and the more their transactions are digitized 
then the less attractive criminal targets they make”. By taking away the money you once possessed we are, in effect, reducing 
crime, and also the need for a costly force of bent coppers.

Forget those daft theories about the reasons for crime reduction since the 1990s; suggestions like the aging population, higher 
immigration, lead in paint, better vehicle security, the Police actually catching criminals (ho ho), CCTV or anything Ken Clarke 
came up with. The lowering we’ve seen in crime is down to an increase in digital transactions. Since 1990 bank debits have 
gone up 27-fold, whereas cash volume has increased by just 4% a year on average. Crime is down because no one has any 
actual money left to steal.

We obviously owe an immense debt of gratitude to the banks for their facilitation of the crash, taking much of our nation’s cash when they
did. Without their generous help we'd be up to our necks in criminals and thieves. The Tory party intends to continue this good work
by making sure Britain is a safer place and taking what’s left of your money away from you. Only we rich, upstanding, honest and morally
right people will be allowed to hold on to bank notes. For we know better how to spend them. You poor people simply can’t be trusted.

Vote for a crime and money-free Britain; vote Tory. Because we work for you – the hardworking rich, and not ourselves. At least, not directly.


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