Your men in everything but the most literal sense - Bert Infiltration and Al Likilla
Barrymore Bankruptcy Rallies Support
From Former Colleagues
Well, the drugs, booze and blokes lifestyle of former funnyman Michael Barrymore has
finally caught up with his bank balance, but one fortunate knock-on effect of financial
liquidation is that scores of chums from the minor celebrity fraternity have rallied to his
cause. News of a planned 'Barrymorestock' rock festival has been leaked, via cryptic
graffiti in a Hampstead Heath gents, to us at HDUK Towers. And it's got us in a proper
lather! (although not in a gay way, you understand)
A penniless Barrymore is currently hiding from the abject failure of his naughty one-man show in New Zealand
cave, the unkind Kiwis speculating he's hoping to mate with some manner of sheep. Saviours are at hand though! In a bid to help Michael out of his predicament, a gigantic summer Barrymore Aid event has been organised by some of the once-great man's more musically talented muchachos. This festival is due to take part in the grounds of Windsor Castle, after Her Majesty the Queen gave Royal backing to the all-star charity gala. We can exclusively reveal that eighties middle-of-the-roaders T'Pau are to headline, along with once-famous contemporaries Johnny Hates Jazz and The Milltown Brothers of 'Which Way Should I Jump?' fame.
Also expected to line up on the bill are indestructible, Pork Pie-hatted cockerney duo Chas n' Dave, Midland fraggle combo Ned's Atomic Dustbin and lumbering female Dennis Roussos tribute act Michelle McManus. It reads like averitable who's who of the 'Where Are They Now' file and if we at Home Defence were any more thrilled we'd all spontaneously ejaculate at once!
The festival is the brainchild of Marilyn, the transsexual eighties crooner who has experience of drug difficulties and the urge to touch the willies of traumatised men.
"I read of Barrymore's plight and felt I should try to help him out." Said Marilyn from beneath a layer of overdone make up. "He let me crash on his floor once or twice before unfortunate circumstances forced him to flee the country. Mikey was even kind enough to let me do a couple of lengths with him every morning sans trunks, so when I heard that his only friends nowadays were ovines I thought, why not stage a ridiculously OTT tribute to him? He was a good lad, plus I liked the way he always let the shittest people win on Strike It Lucky."
So keep an eye out for this once in a lifetime gathering of the failed and perverted, there's sure to be an unprecedented demand for tickets. Just don't go to the after-show party if you value your life.
Barrymore: "Hoping to mate with some manner of sheep."
Colin Firth "Building His Own Nanorobots"
To the leafy Hampshire countryside, and former period TV swoon Colin Firth is taking six months out of his
'career' (bit parts in straight-to-video American films and slobbering over Scarlett Johansson in a truss), to begin
producing his own race of infinitesimally tiny androids.
"None of us here in L.A. expected this of Mr. Firth, certainly not now," opined Swoozie Tonka; staff reporter and
assistant head of scuttlebutt for American Celluloid magazine. "We thought the international success of 'Love
Actually' would be followed by Colin getting out there to promote 'Bridget Jones II - What Is The Reason?' like
some kind of travelling salesman on Viagra. But instead Colin chooses to spend his days dabbling in the
malevolent world of microtechnology. It's like - go figure???"
Indeed, prior to this year Firth had evinced little interest in either scientific progress or minute robots with minds of their own, preferring to concentrate on dramatic parts during a decade of work following that epochal role as a genitally-restricted D'Arcy in TV's Pride & Prejudice. But to the frustration of his agent and manager Colin now spends up to 36 hours at a stretch in his specially converted underground 'study' creating highly adaptable machines that are invisible to the human eye. And he uses little more than a soldering iron and magnifying glass to do it!
Firth's ultimate aim remains nebulous, although a brief article in the latest 'New Scientist' credits Colin as the first amateur to develop workable nanotechnology in advance of the big companies' research programmes. The magazine also quotes Firth as doing it "for the challenge" and "to see whether I can defeat the businessmen at their own game". How much Firth has achieved through his experiments no man can say, the increasingly reclusive celebrity refuses to divulge his results. However, as the owner of the land adjoining Firth's country pile puts it:
"This is all very worrying. What if my neighbour turns out to be the kind of power hungry lunatic who'd use them little robots for some nefarious purpose? Could his eventual aim be world domination? If so my crocuses would be the first in line. Then again maybe it's just a way Mr. Firth kills time 'til Richard Curtis writes another implausible romcom. Who knows?"
Gail Hipgrave "Has Unprotected Sex"
In a revelation which is sure to upset and infuriate the majority of her hundred or so fans nationwide, Home
Defence can today reveal that the former Miss Porter, an ex-TV presenter and shameless glamour model who
once projected her enormous arse onto Westminster Cathedral, indulges in full and penetrative sex on a regular
basis. Oh yes, and when naughty Gail plays 'Mr Wobbly Hides His Helmet' she don't use prophylactics, birth
control, or nothing. Nothing whatsoever stops her from being infected by VD, a million types of which are out
there and waiting to set in! That's right, she uses nothing at all!
"This is an incredibly bad example to set those few teenagers who still consider Mrs. Hipgrave something of a
role model, despite her fast-waning star." Grumbled shrill morality campaigner and founder of the Organisation Promoting Chastity Amongst the Young, Bella Schertain. "Them little tarts'll be running around, rubbing their bits up against men in no time, you'll see. If Gail does it then promiscuous sexual contact must be okay, that's how schoolgirls see the nasty. S'people like her who're directly responsible for outbreaks of syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, HIV, genital warts, cold sores, gonorrhoea and carpet burns among the nation's pubescent children. And don't get me started on the really nasty diseases she's propagating."
After hearing this tirade we at Home Defence were so disgusted by the way Hipgrave trivialises acts of love at a time when the briefest nudie contact can lead to a life of misery, we decided to start a campaign aimed at having her removed from the public eye (along with Victoria Beckham and, possibly, Patsy Kensit). To get involved simply email us in the usual way and we'll pass on Gail's address, then you can go round to her house carrying a placard with 'slag' painted on it and some dogshit in a bag.
In the interests of fairness we contacted 'dirty' Hipgrave and asked her to respond to these rumours, but all the immoral little minx could say for herself was that: "I'm married, for God's sake! My husband and I are trying for another child." A flimsy excuse if ever we heard one!
Hipgrave: "Incredibly bad example".
'Bullseye - The Musical' Finally Gets The Green
Sunday afternoons were never the same after ITV decided to axe top darts-themed quiz show Bullseye,
but now you can relive those halcyon days by attending a musical premiering at the Dominion Theatre,
London next month, from where it will move on to Broadway (or possibly Hastings, depending on attendences).
The runaway success of classic episodes of the epoch-defining show through US cable channel: 'Great British Quiz Shows', has prompted co-stars Jim Bowen and Tony 'On the Oche' Green out of their enforced retirements to pen an upbeat musical narrative. Early word on the story is that it will feature such showstopping tunes as; "Keep Out of the Black and in the Red", "Here's What You Would Have Won (If You'd Done Better, Y'Son of A Gun)", "We've Had a Lovely Day, Jim (Jim, We've Had A Lovely Day)", "You Can't Say Nig-Nog These Days Ron" and "BFH - Bus Fare Home".
The show has already attracted interest on both sides of the pond and while Bowen and Green are set to appear as themselves every player in the Darts World Rankings is hoping to be the 'Charity Guest Player'. Meanwhile Gary Wilmot leads the running as an early favourite to go under the three-hour latex transformation for the eponymous role of 'Bully', a comedy bull.
As Jim told us recently: "I can confirm the frenzied internet rumour-mongering, me and Tone are doing a
musical! It'll be a treat for all our fans, old and new. We might even make a big-screen version if we can
get Harvey Weinstein on board. I'm going to be fucking rolling in it! Is that microphone on?"
A tour of the more remote parts of the UK is also planned for the Autumn and lucrative merchandising
deals are on the table, including tie-in board games, albums on EMI and limited edition 'bendy' Eric
Bristow dolls. Expect the world and his slightly less proficient lady dart-thrower wife to be going
Bullseye mad by this time next year!
Green & Bowen: "Fucking roling in it".
Mike Read In Desperate Need Of A Charisma
Continuing our attempts to give something back to those talentless has-beens who've provided us with so
much personal desperation to laugh at down the years, HDUK would today like to publicise a heartfelt plea
on behalf of former radio DJ and occasional returnee to the peripheral vision of the public eye, Mike 'Ready'
If you're reading this having recently lost an interesting male friend or family member to death's clammy grasp, please consider letting our team of top surgeons remove the dead man's charisma and re-implant it inside the medulla oblongata of Mike. Mr. Read needs this operation desperately if he is to have any hope of getting his professional life back on track following the debacle that was this year's 'I'm A Celebrity, Please Validate Me'.
In the words of one shocked viewer: "I watched that jungly show with Ant & Dec for ages and I didn't even realise some DJ I used to hear every day was in the camp, not 'til they kicked him off anyway. Mike clearly needs this surgery if we're to prevent him from fading into penniless obscurity. And may I also state for the record that a middle-aged man having highlights put in his hair is spectacularly ill-judged. Can you hear me Mike? You're still aging! Stupid hairstyles don't make up for an utter lack of personality. It's not surprising no bugger voted for you!"
Read: "Needs surgery".
ITV Now the Official Minor Celebrity Channel
Having banged on about the forgotten genius of our nation's Minor Celebrities to anyone who'll listen for the past eight years, we at HDUK are glad to see ITV's chief execs finally caving in to the phenomenal public pressure and devoting much of their prime-time schedule to the once-famous and talent-free. With shows such as "I'm a Celebrity... Jumpstart My Career", "Celebrity Fat C*nts", and "Hell's Kitchen", minor celebrities such as Tommy "Gruff" Vance, Freddy "No Longer A" Starr, Sian "Gums" Lloyd, Kerry "Fun Bags" McFadden and Belinda "Circle in the sand goes round and round" Carlisle find themselves suddenly given the airtime their abject, publicity-chasing pointlessness so deserves. But we at Home Defence urge caution! Too much exposure risks wrecking the whole culture of Minor Celebrity forever, the most obvious example being that afforded Peter Andre in the wake of his clandestine fumblings with Jordan (so-called because her rubbery jubblies are the same size as an Arab state when viewed from space).
So what if all these strange and superfluous people suddenly hit a big time for which they're no longer prepared? Who'll be left to appear in 'Mother Goose' at the Solihull Public Library Theatre or 'Jack & The Beanstalk' in Exmouth Pavilions? Ordinary scum like you and me? Surely not! If the bigwigs in their television centres are going to use our failed celebs in their most highly-rated shows some kind of Claudio Ranieri-style squad rotation must be in order! Perhaps Alex Best could do the chat show circuit, then go back to her public by appearing in stocks outside Wandsworth library the next week. Then we can show our adoration in the form of rotten fruit peltings and sexual assault? It's an edifying thought.
How nice to see that the recently enacted 'Keep Those Fatties Off My Television' law (phraseology copyright 'The Sun' newspaper) we first reported on during our last update has been successful, removing Michelle McManus from our TV screens altogether. Others soon to join her away from our collective consciousness include Big Brother 3's Alison, the positively rotund woman vicar who always shows up on The Heaven and Earth Show and Russell Grant. No longer will these porkers cast their mammoth shadows across my cathode ray tube. Huzzah and thank you God!