Your men outside Shaggers Nitespot at 3am with a flashbulb and a vegetable samosa: Bert Infiltration & Al Likilla
Cheggers' Multi-Coloured Wife Swap
Having already appeared starkers in his short-lived, all-nude game show, former
alcoholic and inflatable obsessive Keith Chegwin has opted to continue his
cringe-making 'career' with noted minor celebrity exploiters Channel Five. His
latest project is understood to be a Saturday night game show entitled 'Cheggers'
Multi-Coloured Wife Swapshop' which is billed as the swingers' answer to seminal
80's TV milestone 'Cheggers Plays Pop'. This new programme centres around five
married couples of indeterminate ethnic origin who compete to win a state-of-the-art caravan in Sandy Bay via
a successicopulation-related games.
Although the concept is still under discussion among C5's 'late-nite' program commissioners, the game's 'climax' is expected to consist of a sexual marathon between the remaining two couples, all others having been eliminated in earlier rounds involving coffee enemas and 'fluffing'.
"If you've got a chance of winning a luxury static caravan you'll do anything," Observed Horace Racialism, the show's producer. "Through the hour of the show we'll gradually eliminate couples until only two remain. The eventual winners will be decided by a 'spunk-off' between the husbands - he who ejaculates last when wanked off by the opposing wife will take the prize."
Much to this columnist's excitement, it is anticipated a celebrity edition shall be filmed should the initial run excite it's anticipated demographic of young males and Sven Goran Erikkson. Mooted for this special are a cavalcade of minor celebrity couples including Grant Bovey and Anthea Turner in a steamy fours-up clinch with Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee, while Abbie Titmuss goes at it with anything that moves.
Chegwin: "Inflatable obsessive"
Famous Sportsmen Expelled From The Jockey Club
To the headquarters of the professional Jockeys' association in Portman Square, W7, where allegations
continue to rock horse racing, following the recent match fixing scandals which led to the resignations of
several senior officials and a horse tender.
The jockey club was set up to protect sporting integrity and licences participants while enforcing good racing
practices. Recently the organisation has had to answer the first questions about breaches to its code of conduct since Willie Carson called Bill Beaumont "one hairy-assed motherfucker" after losing the 1988 series of 'A Question of Sport'. Top class jockeys like Kieron Fallon, David "Spunky" Allbright and Seamus O'Leprechaun have been implicated in illegal activities such as mare doping, giving insider information to the tabloid press, gambling by proxy and using 'ringer' horses, a much frowned upon form of cheating wherein an 'actor horse' will enter a race pretending to be a horse of inferior ability.
Despite these slurs blackening the good name of horse racing, events only came to a head following a recent incident involving Frankie Dettori which led the jockey club to ban its members from using mobile phones.
Apparently Dettori had offered to pass on to his wife Shanice (4'6) a "dead-cert tip" if she phoned him before the race began, giving Frankie enough time to make sure of his info. Unfortunately Shanice got held up shampooing her cat and was late putting in the call. By the time his mobile rang, her husband was already several furlongs into the race, whereupon a distracted Dettori accidentally steered the 5-4 favourite off the course and into a tree. In the end he had to be shot.
Nicholas Lyndhurst Meets Doppleganger
Former 'Only Fools and Horses' plonker Nicholas Lyndhurst was struck dumb this week during a jaunt to the
sunny Devon city of Exeter where he opened a new branch of Farmfresh Foods ("the pikey Iceland") and spied
a lookalike in the assembled throng.
"I couldn't believe it", gasped Lyndhurst. "He was the spit of me!"
We tracked the doppelganger down to his shabby flat in the town for an exclusive Home Defence chat.
Bearing an uncanny resemblance to the 'Goodnight Sweetheart' lead, Laurence 'Larry' Penfold appears to be labouring under the delusion that he looks more like some other English star.
"People are always asking me if I'm Lyndhurst, but I can't see it myself." Intoned Penfold excitedly. "I saw Reservoir Dogs on pisspoor pirate video in an S.U. bar once and I think I look more like that Tim Roth. Do you want to play Larrygames now?"
It is believed that, in spite of his show of indifference, Penfold, a former RAF fireman and puppeteer for Westcountry TV's 'Birthday People', is surreptitiously seeking work as stand-in for Lyndhurst should the actor ever appear on TV again.
Lyndhurst: "Struck dumb"
Richard Bacon's Horrific Bagpiping Secret
Word reaches Home Defence of more trouble in the life of former 'Blue Peter' presenter and
lad-about-town, Richard "Bringing Home The" Bacon. In recent years Richard seemed back on the
straight and narrow, having left behind a crippling cocaine usage which put Al Pacino in 'Scarface' to
shame. Indeed, Bacon had begun a new career as a vaguely-recognised minor celeb, presenting such
drek as Liquid News and Flipside TV. But reports come through this month of Richard falling prey to his
basest instincts, travelling along that sticky, manjuice-speckled road, previously journeyed upon by Jamie Theakston and John "Lucky" Leslie. Yes, Bacon indulges that most unusual of sexual perversions, his drug-smashed pleasure circuits only responding to an hour-long session of bagpiping with low-class whores.
This specialist area of the sex industry, the name of which derives from a Latin variation on "stimulation of the male member by the shaven armpit of a lady", is widely mocked, but can provide great riches for those prostitutes willing to demean themselves in providing the service. We spoke to one of Bacon's regular harlots, Anna-Nicole, who took us through the procedure, all the way from the initial check for stubble to that armpit anointment which accompanies Richard's arrival for 'a session'.
"Dickie just pops 'is todger in there, see?" Explained Anna-Nicole, raising her arm to illustrate. "Then you go at it 'til 'e spurts, like when you was a kiddie and made fart sounds wiv yer hand. Only this time I've got Dickie's old fella up there and most of the noises is comin' from 'im."
These shock revelations are expected to make little impact on Bacon's already moribund career. As his current employers Channel Four told us: "You can't tell us anything about Richard that'd shock us anymore."
Necrophile Stalker Digs Up Caron Keating's Grave
In a stomach-churning twist to events it emerged from police reports released last week that obsessive stalker
Sturgeon Gateley was unable to leave the daughter of Gloria Hunniford alone, even in death. Gateley, 47,
recently indulged his fascination by creeping into the location of Keating's internment under cover of night with
a bent shovel and desecrating..
..actually, no. Even I'm not doing that one. Let's move on.
Richard Arnold goes down on Christopher Biggins -
GMTV's favourite camp pundit Richard Arnold has today been caught in a gentlemen's convenience on
Hampstead Heath with former 'On Safari' star Christopher Biggins, we can exclusively reveal. The openly
gay minor celebrities were caught "red-handed" by a dog-walker who stumbled upon them in an act of
mutual oral love and was left with a traumatised lurcher for his troubles.
This incident will cause embarrassment to both parties, not least because Biggins is in a long-term relationship with a little Scottish bald man, while Arnold should really be moving up the showbiz Shag Ladder, having successfully launched his ITV2 vehicle 'People Laugh At Their Pets While Videoing Them'.
Neither was available for comment when I called their agents, but, when pressed, one of Arnold's closest friends confessed that the breakfast TV hunk is considering an elective tonsillectomy.
Biggins: "Caught red-handed"
McFly To Be Shot Into Space
Following the failure of a broke and under-sponsored N'Sync to gain the crown of 'first boy
band in space', their mantle has been taken up by chart-troubling homogenised guitar-pop
whippersnappers McFly, whose record company announced this week that the pant-showing
four piece would undergo strenuous training at a Russian space camp for twelve months from
"This is a dream come true for us." Guitarist Douglas Poynter exclusively told HDUK at a Zed
gig last night. "We've always wanted to be the first group to orbit the earth, and 'cause N-Sync
failed to stump up the funds this looks like our time. Me and Thomas (singer) talk about it constantly. Now we've finally got the backing and it's all starting to happen. We're taking our gear along in case we find intelligent life and they want to hear 'Five Colours In Her Hair'. First the number one album, now this, it's like, wow."
But former astronaut and project manager Sergei Besyeersov sounded a note of caution regarding the journey, estimated to be costing Universal Records somewhere in the region of seven million pounds.
"They must be aware, it is very tough in space." Nodded the inscrutable Soviet at a press conference consisting mainly of Smash Hits journalists and twelve year old girls. "The changes to mind and body are many and painful, but these are tough young pop stars and I am happy they will be good ambassadors should they find any of these 'aliens' they keep asking me about."
At this point Besyeersov moved on to a detailed description of the path through the solar system McFly's spacecraft would take, using a blackboard and stick to illustrate his points. The band's vessel, christened 'Room On The Third Planet' by its occupants, is expected to circle Earth three times before moving the foursome out into the further reaches of the cosmos.
Following his description the Ruski took questions from the floor, the first of which was a request for details on how the project would ensure the group's safe return to Earth. The query, as to how McFly would come back, was met with a quizzical expression from the project manager.