The BBC’s Sporting Non-Personality 2008 Shortlist Announced

Lewis Hamilton

From: some Monaco tax haven

Hobbies: sitting on his helmet

Greatest moment: refusing to be interviewed by his sponsors (ITV) following his first World Championship

Least likely to say: “I’m gonna pass that guy on the bend or die trying!”

Kevin Pietersen

From: Free Dutch Afrikaans

Hobbies: reading about asphalt

Sexuality: irrelevant

Description: strong, silent type (see also: concrete bollard)

Andy Murray

Frae: Bonny Scotland

Hobbies: compiled anthology of best ever out-takes of minutes taken at Dunblane Council strategic planning meetings 1976-83 (unpublished)

Adjectives: broody, morose, cross

Redeeming feature: not Tim Henman

Audley Harrison

From: the distant past (2000 Olympics)

Hobbies: closing eyes, rocking to and fro whilst humming loudly

Likes: Buckaroo, Worthing

Most likely to say: “as I was saying to Audley the other day...”

Frank Lampard

From: Eton (via Anna Scher’s)

Hobbies: compulsive competitive onanism

Quote: “the lads was brilliant tonight.”

Antonym: interesting

Johnny Wilkinson

From: genus Meercat

Hobbies: being injured

Interesting factoid: Jonny has refused to speak since taking a Trappist vow of silence after the World Cup in 2003

Personality: disorder

SPORTING CELEBRITIES

with Mark Liam Piggott

Home Defence UK

A Symptom of a Greater Malaise

The BBC’s Sporting Non-Personality 2008 Shortlist Announced

The lack of tension was palpable today as the BBC announced its shortlist for the much-coveted title of “sporting non-personality 2008”.

The shortlist comprises:

Kevin "Ducky" Pietersen

“Listless” Lewis Hamilton

The “Crashing Bore” accelerates into poll position courtesy of his deadly dull quotes, interminable conversational cul-de-sacs and engine-like drone.

Cricket’s answer to mogadon slogs his way into contention with his straight-bat answers, defensive word-play and all-round unlikeability.

Andy “Hand Shandy” Murray

Audley “Boredly” Harrison

Scotland “the Grave” overcomes fierce opposition from across the tennis world to be seeded top for surliness, scowling and anti-English whingeing.

Poet, raconteur and zany dinner date are some of the many things of which Audley Harrison couldn’t be accused, even by his many imaginary friends.

“Faux” Frank Lampard

Johnny “Wordsmith” Wilkinson

Wannabe-Cockney Frank mesmerises opponents and interviewers alike with his garbled repertoire of truisms, clichés and insincere platitudes.

Prior to having to pull out due to injury, Wilkinson was a sure-fire punt for pundits who like their sporting icons silent but deadly - dull.

Erm... who are they again?

Forgotten who the short-listed sportsmen are already? Simply print out and shred this guide to Britain’s Blandest, Boring-est Ball Boys...

All the votes are now in, and your fitting hosts Clare Balding and Sue Barker are delighted to announce that the award for most ditchwater-dull sporting non-entity 2008 goes to...

(* nine-times winner).