The 3AM girls hijack celebs in nightclub toilets. Tabloid journalists use telescopic camera lenses that rival the Hubble telescope to capture small traces of famous pubic hair at distances of up to three hundred miles. Ant and Dec use tiny versions of themselves in ways too depraved to go into here.
But Home Defence has Bert Infiltration, examining the gusset of celebrity and riding the monstrous underbelly of fame like a glue-sniffing barnacle. Here are his latest missives from the dark side of fame, a tawdry and vile world which everyone should read about in great detail.
Les Dennis - His Inner Turmoil
Having recently split with his famous whore of a wife, Les Dennis (pronounced
'Lay Der Knee') clearly has a great deal of time on his chubby little hands. So
what better pastime for the Scouse 'funnyman' than throwing bricks off motorway
bridges and seeing how far his victims can drive with a broken windscreen and
severe head injuries? Unemployment and the bachelor's life are clearly not
agreeing with Dennis, who found fame with dead comic partner Dustin Gee during the mid-80s. It all went downhill when Gee bought the farm and the laughter died to a hoarse chuckle, but then Dennis bounced back as Max Bygraves' replacement on Family Fortunes and a nation was enraptured once more. Now, after the degradation of Celebrity Big Brother is the one-time comeback kid headed for the fiery tortures of hell?
"I see him there most mornings during the rush hour", said one witness who preferred to remain anonymous. "He looks like a little boy playing Pooh-sticks on a bridge down the park. It's a fucking disgrace."
Whatever possesses the Comedian - turned - Game-Show-Host - turned - Soap-Actor - turned - Homicidal-Nutjob to commit such atrocities? All this comes as a far cry from the gentle days of impersonating Frank Spencer and Mavis from Coronation Street. We at HDUK hope he's incarcerated soon so qualified psychotherapists can begin the tender process of rehabilitating this once great talent, unfortunately in the short-term we aren't optimistic. When questioned a Police spokesperson said: "I'm afraid we can't arrest Dennis, no matter how out of hand his behaviour gets. Television celebrities are like royalty in this country, unless we hear vague rumours of them downloading kiddie porn we've been told to refrain from locking any up. We have, however, turned down his many applications to own and deal in firearms, and in the meantime we would advise motorists to take special care when driving under bridgelike structures, such as bridges."
Lisa Riley "Too Fat To Breathe" Conundrum
Friends of stricken You've Been Framed presenter Lisa Riley were yesterday understood to be literally
wringing their hands at the news that her Body Mass Index has increased to such a level that she now
finds it impossible to breathe. The respiratory meltdown occurred following her panic consumption of a
half-dozen pasties and a triumvirate of beef and onion slices after a snide comment made by a member
of the studio audience during a recording of the home video 'bloopers' show.
"Someone in the front row shouted something at her as she was waddling off set," said my source from
within the programme's production team. "Then a section of the audience began singing: "YBF stands
for You Big Fucker!" to the tune of that Robbie Williams song. Lisa was extremely upset and asked her agent to go to the nearest Alldays for a basketful of pastry-based snacks. I believe the bill came to at least £13.41".
Just fifteen minutes after the final beef and onion slice had been downed onlookers reported a spine-chilling rasping sound emanating from the former Emmerdale actress' distended gullet. From that moment onwards it appears that she has been unable to breathe unaided.
"This is a terrible tragedy for the world of entertainment" said former YBF host Jeremy Beadle, who possesses a hand small enough to be considered childlike. "I wish Lisa a full and speedy recovery and would like to advise the show's producers that I'm available to fill the interim role as stand-in presenter."
Riley is of indeterminate age, since her bulk makes her look older, and the gargantuess has not appeared in public since the recording debacle. The flab rumour mill hints at weight gain assistance from a 'feeder' she met in a dingy bar, a man whose sexual proclivities mean that Riley can never be large enough for his sick fetish. Certainly the nation's favourite sizeable presenter has ballooned up to a reported fifty stone in recent weeks, the flesh of her hide is reportedly now over an inch thick and she can only leave the house with the aid of an industrial winch. There is talk that, when she succumbs to the inevitable horrific death, Pop Idol's enormous warbler Rik Waller (whose girth is of a similar magnitude) will be auditioned for the pivotal role as host of TV's greatest ever homage to the staged prat-fall, fat people being inherently comical
Iain Lee 'Not Funny' Maintain Scientists
Following recent editions of Channel 4's flagship breakfast show RI:SE, it is rumoured that former
11 O'Clock Show presenter Iain Lee has been clinically proven not to be funny by a team of research
scientists working out of Cambridge university. The unfortunate conclusion has been supported by
the ailing show's falling ratings, an alarming trend that even Edith 'Not By The Hairs On My
Chinny-Chin-Chin' Bowman's departure hasn't managed to reverse.
"I used to enjoy introducing the likes of Ali G and Ricky Gervais before they fulfilled their potential
and became really famous", moaned Lee to HDUK, supposedly off the record. "I though Sasha and Rick were my comedic peers, but perhaps people only laughed at what I was saying because they were already in a good mood. Daisy Donovan was always intended as eye candy rather than comic support, so it's not her fault". In fact recent months have even seen Mackenzie Crook, deeply unamusing on the dismal last incarnation of that 11pm show, overtake Lee in the hilarity stakes through BBC laugh-fest The Office, a fact which Lee bitterly resents, recently referring to Crook in the pages of Jockey Slut magazine as "a nob-end".
Iain Lee's meteoric rise through the echelons of celebrity slurry began when the media fell for him as "the new Hugh Laurie" later revising their opinion to "the new Hugh Laurie - only not funny". His career arc was finally halted after a number of viewers expressed a preference for the comic stylings of GMTV's Richard Arnold and Eammon Holmes, both of whom impress in the key breakfast slot. Even the dry BBC Breakfast Time has higher ratings, although this may be as a result of people inadvertantly leaving their TVs on overnight. A Channel 4 spokesman yesterday could only offer this weak excuse for Lee's fall from grace: "He isn't taking cocaine any more" Oh, come on!.
Next time: Which of S Club Juniors cannot function without an hourly 'hit' of Ritalin? And who really stole Gary Wilmot's embroidered celebrity tablecloth?