Our men stepping over the prone, bleeding bodies of numerous WAGS - Mark Liam Piggott and Al Likilla
Comedian Discovers “Unfunny Bone”
Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have credited comedian Al
Murray with proving the existence of the anti-humour particle, during the performing of his
gay Nazi act “Uber Bum Führer Schwull”.
“It is most extraordinary,” said Professor Edvard van Deisling of the MIT. “Previously it was
thought that something was either funny, or at the opposite end of the scale it was unfunny. Mr Murray appears
to have discovered a way to extend the humour continuum beyond unfunny, to a point previously thought
impossible: a state known as anti-comedy.”
During Murray’s performing of the gay Nazi, it was found that events previously thought to be unfunny now appeared relatively funny: this is a state known as the theory of relative humour. Things that were once seen as the very antithesis of humour (September 11, rickets, Vernon Kay) now appear at midpoint on the scale, whereas the “Bum Fuhrer” is at the very other extreme, at the known edge of reason.
Murray’s discovery of the so-called “unfunny bone” has already attracted interest from the US military and the scriptwriters of EastEnders. However, Jim Davidson, who claimed to have discovered the anti-humour particle at the end of Clacton Pier in 1978, is said to be “devastated”.
“Davidson gave it his best shot,” said Prof. Deisling, “but it now appears he did no more than reach the point of absolute zero humour. What Murray has done – not just once, but each Friday evening at 9.30 - is to prove the existence of the actual opposite of humour: anti-comedy. He must be very proud.”
Vandalism “No JK”
A judge has slammed an Okehampton man for failing to damage a Ferrari belonging to big-hatted popster
According to magistrates Bob Thompson, 32, was seen not vandalising one of JK’s many high
performance motors despite knowing it belonged to the pint-sized singer.
“I do feel ashamed of myself,” admitted the defendant. “I was in this hotel bar when this short, ugly,
talentless bloke with a hat the size of a hay-bale came in for a drink.”
“It soon became apparent by his offensive personality that I was in the presence of chart-tastic moron JK. When I looked outside I saw one of his flash motors and for some reason something didn’t snap.
“I will always regret not damaging a car belonging to JK. I’ve learned my lesson and
now I’d like to put an end to the matter.”
The judge said: “This was a stupid, pointless and childish thing Mr Thompson didn’t
do. Anyone who’s heard one of JK’s numerous chart hits such as 'Virtual Insanity' will
wonder what on earth he was playing at; not scraping his keys along the
bonnet at least.”
Jamiroquai was available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs last night.
James Van Der Beek Intervenes To Deprogram Katie
To Los Angeles, where Home Defence can exclusively reveal that former Dawson’s Creek ‘actor’, the
square-headed legend known as James Van Der Beek (right), has staged a daring daylight intervention to
rescue his former co-star on the popular teen soap ‘Dawson’s Creek’. Yesterday Van Der Beek boldly
abducted Katie Holmes, who played Josephine ‘Joey’ Potter in the show but is now more famous for being brainwashed by the nefarious Tom Cruise.
Around three in the afternoon, while the man of the house was away filming his new movie ‘Valkyrie 2 –
The Quest For Hitler’s Gold’, neighbours report that a man dressed in black scaled the fence sealing off
the Cruise mansion, disabled the security system and pacified the guard dogs with Bonios on his way in.
This figure then rested a concealed ladder against a wall and climbed into the master bedroom window
which happened to have been left open, almost as if Katie was expecting him.
Twenty minutes later an eyewitness reports seeing this same mysterious figure exit Cruise’s property with a thirty-year-old brunette over one shoulder, the woman making shrill protestations and banging the intruder’s back ineffectually.
Authorities later confirmed that a manhunt was underway for an unemployed blonde man of thirty-two who
sometimes pretends to be ten years younger. Van Der Beek is suspected of removing Holmes (6’1) from a
circle of Scientologists, who have provided her only human contact these past four years, and trying to return
her to the world of normal people who don’t believe ridiculous stories about space aliens. A gang of
Scientology freaks are now on her tail including Holmes’ husband Cruise (5’3), who is reportedly
inconsolable and praying to L.Ron Hubbard for advice.
“Anyone could have seen this coming.” High school friend of Van Der Beek, Joshua ‘Pacey’ Jackson, told HDUK. “Ever since Dawson’s Creek ended and Jimmy’s acting career fell into the doldrums my old friend’s had an awful lot of time on his hands. Whenever I spoke to Jim recently he always turned the subject to what he calls ‘Katie’s plight’ and how ‘the old gang from Capeside’ ought to team up and do something. I used to laugh his talk off, but it seems like Jim’s actually gone the extra mile
and good luck to him. If Jimmy can wean Katie off stunted religious nutcases and make her see there’s
more to life than being a breeding vessel for higher level Thetans then I’ll stand by him. Just like I did at
our senior prom that time.”
As of press time the CIA, church of Scientology and half of Hollywood were banding together to try and
facilitate Katie’s safe return, with film star Will Smith due to make an emotional plea live on television.
Meanwhile L.A.’s Chief of Police has told reporters that charm, good looks and a preternatural
articulateness won’t keep Van Der Beek one step ahead of the authorities forever, and he urged the
kidnapper to give up immediately before his parents ground him forever.