Punk turned TV naturalist John Lydon has exclusively admitted to HDUK that the Sex Pistols are incredibly
overrated, twenty seven years after the release of the band's critically acclaimed but rarely listened to album,
'Never Mind The Bollocks... Here's Three Chords And One Good Tune'. Speaking from an odiferous mud hut in
Zaire where he is currently filming a new Channel 5 epic entitled 'John Lydon's World of Flesh-Eating Diseases',
the former Johnny Rotten wiped a tear from his gob and spoke bravely of an inner turmoil which still pricks at his
"For years people have gone on about 'NMTB...', how it broke new ground and inspired young people to liberate themselves from all that namby-pamby hippy malarkey, but that's all horse-shit. I mean, calling the Monarchy "a fascist
regime" when all they do is sit there and wave, what was I on about? And musically? Well, I tried to rein it in
all the time, to stop us getting too 'lo-fi' by having Rick Wakeman add some much-needed synth noodling,
but all to no avail. The prog version of my album never made it to the presses and instead we're left with a lot
of scratchy guitars and me shouting. I haven't spun that disc in twenty years, compared to The Ramones or
someone it really is bollocks."
This columnist has been arguing for the seven years since he lost his original cassette copy (bought for 20p
from a branch of Sue Ryder), that 'Never Mind The Bollocks...' was a pile of toss and now we have proof at
last. Just be grateful Johnny's finally come clean and admitted he's better at playing with creepy-crawlies
than making music!
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Tag - You're It! And Welcome To...
Minor Celebrity Gossip!
Our men waiting for a cubicle in the unisex toilets at 'Chinawhites' - Bert Infiltration and Al Likilla
Grumbleweeds 'Torn Apart' By In-Fighting
Blackpool, and local entertainment impresarios have been left shaking their heads at
'personal disagreements' in the lives of aging entertainment trio 'The Grumbleweeds'
which spilled over into their end-of-the-pier act.
"That's not what I pay good money to see" said one disgruntled mother, ushering her
children away from the concert hall. "When I go to a 'Weeds gig I expect singing,
banter, maybe a few impressions. What I don't expect is for Robin to turn to Maurice
halfway through a sketch about golfing mishaps and call him a 'fucking cocksucker'. Then storm off-stage."
Rumours were rife in recent months regarding growing tensions in the Grumbleweed camp, and this expletive-spattered outburst seems to back up the unfortunate claims. Robin, Maurice, and Graham, fondly remembered by their legion of fans as 'the bald one', 'the mulleted one' and 'the other one', have had their differences down the years, but always seemed able to put them aside for the sake of showbusiness and the opportunity to appear with stars like Little & Large and Freddie 'Parrot Face' Davies. The turning point came shortly after celebrating their 42nd anniversary together earlier this year, at which point the trio of sixty-somethings were offered what their agent, Michael Greasepaint, calls "a sizable three figure sum" to leave their usual variety show haunts and embark on a tour of obscure middle-eastern states, where their brand of seventies slapstick and silly voices plays well with many Arabs.
"Maurice didn't fancy it," Greasepaint exclusively told HDUK. "He was concerned about the geo-political situation and worried their English fan-base might react badly. Maurice didn't want another 'Sun City Episode' on the Weeds' CV, plus he had a doctor's appointment about his gout, so the other two went without him. Unfortunately the local promoter was a bit slapdash with the truth and they ended up in U.A.E. playing to five Bedouins and a camel. The pair of them got pissed off, came back early, whereupon Robin walked into his house to find Maurice in bed with his missus doing the nasty. Ever since then their professional relationship has been a little strained."
It is hoped the three Grumbleweeds, with the ever-dull Graham acting as diplomat, can put aside their differences in time for the lucrative pantomime season, since they're booked to play the ugly sisters in Mother Goose at the Darlington Playhouse. However, time is running out for the trio to patch things up, with cuckolded Robin said to be 'seething' and Maurice unapologetic, reconciliation seems no closer. In fact, close friends report that, privately, the latter Grumbleweed "finds the whole thing really funny".
The Grumbleweeds: "Growing tensions"
Band Aid 20 - The Minor Celebrity Edition
Outraged at their collective snub by hairy cuckold Bob Geldof, minor celebrities around the world have
come together to spoil the former Boomtown Rat's dreadful charity 'song', and record their own
not-for-profit single. 'It's A Pagan Thing' is intended as a two-fingered salute to the mind-numbing drivel of
'Do They Know It's Christmas?', but unlike that half-baked nonsense this release showcases a raft of
nearly-men and used-to-be-quite-popular-way-back-whens. Organised by perennial tosser Jaz Mann, who you might remember as the axe-wielding Midlander behind Babylon Zoo, 'Pagan Thing' features memorable performances from a veritable Who They? of artists, including Kenny Ball and his Jazz Men, Right Said Fred, Bucks Fizz, Black Lace, Michelle McManus and filthy eighties might-have-been Betty Boo, the Abbie Titmuss of her day.
Recorded during a mammoth three-week session at Mann's council house on the outskirts of Smethwick, the single is due to be schlepped out a week before Christmas in a flagrant bid to capture the festive number one. It also features a sleeve suspiciously similar to that of the official Band Aid reunion record in order to confuse pensioners on their annual visit to HMV.
"I once said I'm a genius, and I stand by that." Claimed the ever-reliable Mann, whose 'Spaceman' single only
became popular when someone at Levi's accidentally played it at 78rpm. "We've a good gang of musicians
laying the tune down and I had a really marvellous time. Gareth Gates appears on the B-side with his hilarious
version of the 'Stutter Rap', and the whole thing's gonna be immense. Not to mention perfectly spherical."
All proceeds from the single go to Mann's own charity, 'Dirty Babylon', which helps support families of police
relieved of their duties as a result of successful prosecutions for corruption. Look out for it at a car boot sale
near you soon.
Mann: "Marvellous time"
Vernon Kay Expanding At An Unprecedented Rate
Tragic news reaches Home Defence of an incurable gland problem besetting former clothes-horse and
overgrown TV puppet, Vernon Kay. Apparently Vern has ballooned in size over the past few weeks, growing
from his normal 7'4 frame to something over twelve feet with girth to match. As yet doctors have found no way
to halt the expansion.
"It's a real bitch." Grumbled one T4 executive called Tristan. "At the moment we're either airbrushing out
excess Vernon or digitally reducing him so it doesn't look like there's a freak presenting. It's problematic finding chairs to accommodate him though, and at the rate Vern's going he won't be able to get through the studio door next month. Our in-house medical consultant says the worst-case scenario would mean Kay continuing to grow until he eventually becomes bed-ridden, at which point his heart would give out pretty quickly. Then we'd have to re-master Vern's image so he could present all the shows virtually. That'd be really annoying."
Although Vernon's continued swelling seems to defy rational explanation, scientists have linked his condition to an incident at the Kay family farm in October. The presenter of 'Boys and Girls' and former winner of The Big Breakfast's prestigious 'model of the week' award was loading bales of hay onto a tractor when he stopped paying attention for a minute and was hit by a combine harvester. At first this star of 'Vernon Kay's Big Pop Party' and regular visitor to Camberwell's 'Funky Munky' bar was thought to be okay, his sturdy frame having absorbed the collision with no permanent damage. However, as the grim Bolton days passed by, it became evident no amount of dieting or antibiotics could stop the star turning into a modern-day Gulliver, upsetting fans and experts alike.
"This isn't the first time we've seen something like this." Observed Jesus Friendly, a Harley Street specialist. "Several hospitals in the American mid-west record instances of hicks getting crushed by industrial elevators. They seem alright at first, but the next thing you know their clothes don't fit and everyone's pointing and laughing. Then they die. It's a glandular thing we think, something gets set off and there isn't any way of stopping it. Hey ho."
Recently Vernon has taken to appearing in public wearing an enormous muumuu, while his pregnant non-entity of a wife, Tess Daly, publicly clings to what little hope remains and privately acts distraught. Fortunately both find time to field calls from fans, tearful hairstylists, and fellow Doritos peddlers.
Kay: "Continued swelling"
Status Quo To Release Dub Remixes Of Greatest Hits
Having ruled the pop charts for the past forty years, repetitive strain injury-suffering pub-rockers Status Quo
have at last embraced their much-obscured reggae influences to release a dub remix collection of former
chart-toppers. 'Status Sensi' was recorded in Kingston, Jamaica, with legendary producer Lee "Scratch" Perry
at the console, giving the old-fashioned 'two chord chug' a much-needed, if entirely ill-thought out, facelift.
Says lead guitarist Rick Parfitt: "My lad came home one day with a half-ounce of Purple Haze and an armful
of King Tubby records. As a supportive parent I felt it my duty to roll him a perfect sixteen-skinner. Listening to 'Tubby' while carefully examining the carpet patterning in Rupert's bedroom gave me the idea for something different and unusual. Me and Frances [Rossi] have always loved a skankin' bit of a dub, so I called him and our bassist who looks like a rabbit to suggest we give it a whirl."
Released on their own 'Meat & Potatoe Pie' label, the fifty-nine track box-set reworks old material to include splashes of echo-heavy drums along with solar-plexus-rumbling bass. The songs have been retitled in keeping with the new-style Quo, the
discs featuring 'Rocking All Over Inna Inglan'', 'Pictures of Dreadlock Men' and 'Deeper and Down (In the Arms
of Selassie The Almighty)'.
Lee Perry is said to be over the moon with this collaboration, but it isn't possible to reproduce his interview here
since "Scratch" is unable to speak in coherent sentences, preferring instead to discuss the delicious taste of
space monkeys and how he can make friends with a weeble. Fortunately HDUK did manage to glean from one
gibbering monologue that Perry is keen to work with Chas n' Dave on a similar studio project, and bloody good
luck to him.
News From The National Soap Awards
Finally, to London, and that celebration of glitz and triviality that is British television's soap opera jamboree.
In 2004 this cavalcade of celebratory cocking-around courted controversy since, for the first time in twenty
years, Eastenders lost the much-coveted 'Grimmest Plot' gong, this award going instead to Coronation
Street's exciting religious death-cult storyline. Meanwhile Albert Square also missed out on such long-time
favourites as 'Best Marriage Proposal In A Death Scene' which was accepted by Alan from Emmerdale for
a moving plea to his estranged father's most recent wife, and 'Most Enthralling Speech Delivered Directly
Before Pouring A Beverage Over A Co-Star's Head' which, this year, rewarded Gemma from Family Affairs
for her inventive mixture of outrage and rum punch.
In the teen sub-section the 21st century 'Carry On' that is Hollyoaks once more swept the board, it's all-nubile cast getting the nod for 'Best Peroxide', 'Most Contrived All-Girl Altercation' and 'Least Convincing Narrative Basis For Actresses Bouncing Around In Their Underwear'.
Outside fans flocked to leer over the luscious lovelies and long-time lotharios staggering up the red carpet, while indoors observers from television companies around the world took in the revelry, turning what was already a great night into an enormous, champagne-doused success. In fact, the only stain on an otherwise immaculate evening came from Ken Barlow, who drunkenly chose to confront Dirty Den about his lewd internet-related behaviour, receiving a slap for his troubles.
Leggy arrives to collect the 'Most Wanked-Over Female' award.