Novelization of ‘The Passion of The Christ’ 
Hotly Tipped For Literary Prizes

Surprising news from the publishing world, where this year’s cause celebre promises to be a long-awaited 
adaptation of Mel Gibson’s 2004 blockbuster ‘The Passion of The Christ’ by hack writer Roland Termagent, 
a man brought in by the studio four years ago to knock-off a scene-by-scene replication of this moving story 
for redneck creationists, and who has been missing deadlines ever since.

“I never expected anything like this.” Roland told us from the squalid attic room above his ex-wife’s house
he calls home. “Most of my other hundred-plus books have received little fanfare, although that series of
cheerleader movie adaptations I wrote for Paramount a few years back sold well, and everyone liked what
I did with ‘Sex Lives of the Potato Men’.” Termagent’s other novelizations include ‘War Games’, ‘El Topo’
and Guy Ritchie’s ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’. 

“I think the success must have something to do with the time and care I lavished on this one.” He mused.
“I was going through a really difficult period, what with clinical depression and limited access to my kids. I
really threw my heart and soul into this book, but I was lucky too, there was great source material to work with. Mel’s vision is utterly real and he depicts Jesus so vividly, the bloke just leapt off the celluloid. I don’t know where he gets his ideas.”

Indeed, Termagent’s moving prose version of a film that took $610 million around the world features the 
same cavalcade of bloodletting, gore-hungry Jews, human skewering and eyes gouged out that has 
captured the imagination of Church-goers around the world. ‘Christ – The Book of the Film’ is now a 
surprise bestseller, and hotly-tipped to be in contention for some of 2008’s biggest literary prizes.

“I think this one’s got what it takes, Termagent weaves such a strong narrative.” Self-confessed 
smackhead and 2008 Man Booker Prize judge Will Self told HDUK. “You can’t really beat it for drama; 
Son of God appears, endures sufferings of mankind, dies horribly. It’s got everything, from moral turpitude 
to terpsichorean frivolity, with echoes of all the legendary myths, covering the likes of Dante’s Inferno and 
The Da Vinci Code. I particularly liked the thigh-slapping flashback where Mary, or ‘the moms’ as Jesus calls her, cracks up at her son’s early carpentry mishaps. This book’s certainly got my vote!”

When asked about its overall chances, Self grew thoughtful. “This is a particularly strong year for fiction, and
Roland’s work will be up against a host of others.” He qualified. “There’s the obligatory WWII novel from Bryan
Jillikins, Matt Thorne’s ‘Clap Zap’, the first fruits of his ‘nu-calvinist’ philosophy which eschews decent plotting,
believable characters and adjectives. I also liked Bill Smarties’ re-imagining of the early life of Willesden’s
favourite daughter in ‘On Zadie’, and Smith herself is expected to release a collection of text messages to
friends and family (’97 – ’07) entitled; ‘Respect My Privacy U H8Rs!’ Overall it’s a strong line up, but for me The
New Adventures of Jesus has the edge.”

In addition, ‘The Passion of the Christ – A Novelisation’ has been at the centre of a 
recent American campaign, initiated by backers of Intelligent Design and anti-semites 
across the mid-west, all of whom want this book nominated for major American literary awards. Were it to 
succeed, Roland Termagent’s opus would be the first movie adaptation to win the Pulitzer Prize for fiction 
since Janet Bobbins’ version of ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ pipped Philip Roth to victory in 1986.  

with Al Likilla

Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Ramones Reunion Consists Entirely Of Drummers
New York City, where the latest group to join the lucrative reformation circuit; gonzo 
proto-punks The Ramones, are refusing to be put off by the many tragic deaths in their ranks, optimistically
beginning rehearsals for an eagerly anticipated world tour with the remaining ex-members.

“Most said it couldn’t be done.” Founder member Tommy Ramone mused in a statement released to the music
press. “But dozens of groups are back playing, despite losing founder members. Look at the recent successes
of Led Zeppelin, the MC5, and the New York Dolls. I admit our case is more extreme than most, with three-quarters of the original line up having departed this mortal coil, but that doesn’t mean we can’t put on a great show for the fans!”

The Ramones formed around Queens, NYC in 1974 and toured non-stop for 22 years. After their dissolution
in the mid-nineties, it wasn’t long before three of the original quartet succumbed to illness or drugs, with
singer Joey (lymphoma), bassist Dee Dee (heroin overdose) and guitarist Johnny (prostate cancer) all
popping their clogs in quick succession. The high mortality rate among these memorable icons led many
observers to assume that further shows were, at best, a long-shot, and more likely, a ridiculous idea.

“Ah, but the remaining Ramones have been very clever in making a virtue of necessity.” Concert promoter
Devin Winthrop told HDUK. “This band have got through more drummers than Spinal Tap, and four of the
best; Tommy, Marky, Elvis and Richie Ramone, constitute the new line up. Without giving too much away, I expect their set to mainly consist of interweaving drum solos, although there will be special guests coming on at the start of songs to shout ‘one-two-three-four’. So far we’ve booked John Lydon, Whitney Houston and Mika.”

Reaction from the fanbase is mixed, with comments on message boards ranging from the enthusiastic (“my fave band are back together! I’m soooo excited!”) to the angry (“they’re shitting on Johnny’s grave for a few bucks!”) or 
disillusioned (“I thought this band reformation thing had jumped the shark with Shed Seven and Kula 
Shaker, clearly I was wrong”). But Rolling Stone magazine’s music correspondent, Mickey Buggerlugs, 
has been privileged to sit in on recent rehearsals, reporting that the group “sound exceptionally tight, 
particularly in the area of percussion.”

The Ramones will be on tour throughout 2008 with support from The Boredoms, Shit & Shine and, where 
venues are suitable, Stomp!

The Ramones, back when they were less drum-based.
New Pro-Michael Moore Doc Debunks Recent 
Spate Of Anti-Moore Documentaries

The Sundance Film Festival, Utah, a place abuzz with the new release from first-time documentary maker
Shrimpy Jackson which defends left-wing agitator Michael Moore from accusations in recent films such as
‘Manufacturing Dissent’ and ‘Michael Moore Hates America’. Namely, that this becapped irritant to the Republicans massages facts and ignores other viewpoints while constructing his cinematic polemics.

“It’s about time someone came out and told the world Michael Moore is often right.” Festival founder and craggy 
heart-throb Robert Redford told Home Defence. “In recent years non-fiction movie-makers have been keen to take 
a pop at Mike, but ‘We Heart Michael Moore’ is the first film to contend that, most of the time, he actually hits the 
nail on the head. That’s apart from Moore’s own movies of course.”

Michael Moore made his name with cinematic diatribes such as ‘Bowling For Columbine’ and ‘Farenheit 9/11’, 
quickly attracting the opprobrium of true patriots and those Americans in favour of random murder. Soon the insults were flying, with Moore setting up a ‘rebuttal war room’ to deflect accusations he would unfairly edit and re-sequence events to support a spurious point, thereby misrepresenting the words of his targets. Unlike every other documentary maker out there, who has no agenda whatsoever, oh no.

Soon anti-Moore films were utilising secret footage to show him up, depicting an overweight, bumbling
idiot through clever cinematic juxtapositions in ‘Celsius 41,11’, ‘Michael & Me’ and 2007’s ‘Why Doesn’t
That Fat, Commie Prick Just Move To Cuba Already?’ In the latter, one much-talked about scene shows
Moore looking stupidly at a camera crew who follow him into a branch of Wendy’s and repeatedly asking
the boom operator what’s going on.

But with the success of his most recent release ‘Sicko’, and now Shrimpy Jackson’s cinematic hagiography crediting Moore with a British troop withdrawal from Iraq and Hillary Clinton’s healthcare policies before going on to support his bid for the Nobel Peace Prize, it looks like Moore’s star is in the ascendancy once more.

Still, not everyone finds it in their hearts to give a shit. Naysayers Home Defence interviewed included Cambridge 
University media student Teeny Balaban who we bumped into at Heathrow airport. “I’ve never seen any of Michael 
Moore’s films, although I’ve been made to watch six pro or anti-Moore documentaries for my course.” She told us. 
“I mean, are his films any good or what? Are they even relevant to this country? It’s like following some pointless 
feudal squabble passed down through the generations, until no one has any idea why the two sides are fighting 
anymore. I dread to think how long this might go on for.”  

Novelization specialist Roland Termagent.
Cinematic visionary Gibson meets his public.
Second-rate writer Zadie Smith.
Marky Ramone.

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