Ellie Goulding Fans Work Together to Help the Homeless This Christmas
To the cold highways of a wintry London, where groups of young blondes have taken to the streets, eager to make a difference this festive period. These
so-called ‘Ellie’s Angels’ are helping out men with nowhere to go, inspired by their love for that songbird now known as ‘the conscience of the pop charts’,
anti-homeless campaigner and all round worker of miracles, Ellie Goulding.
“I just want to give what help I can to anyone without a roof over his head. I’ve felt that way ever since Ellie drew my attention to
them in her interviews,” Fourteen year old Pretalia Maski (pictured left) told HDUK outside a bank, where several schoolgirls were attempting to feed soup to half-dead homeless
men by the cashpoints. “Before my favourite singer mentioned seeing homeless people near her London mansion and really not liking it, I didn’t even know such things existed.
Ellie’s really inspired me to make a difference!”
Indeed, Goulding is now the number one social campaigner to bring about good deeds among millennials. The vocalist, referred to
as “the UK’s dullest pop starlet” on PopJustice.com and recently condemned by Germaine Greer for having no talent or charisma,
has successfully reinvented herself as the pied piper of sheltered housing. Goulding now regularly uses her celebrity to condemn
the fining of rough sleepers by penniless councils, hitting the headlines when she tweeted her frustration at those who urge us not to give
our cash to substance abusing tramps. Here’s an example: “Why should they not get smacked up if they want to? #itsafreecountry.”
And so, inspired by the example of their favourite singer, today Pretalia and her pals took up a collection outside the Paddington branch of Waitrose, doing close-harmony
carol singing and collecting many donations. This money was then shared between the area’s panhandlers who disappeared off to buy Special Brew, methylated spirits or
industrial solvents then returned, ready to have a right good time.
“It’s nice to be able to make a difference and see the joy in their eyes, even if this happiness is sometimes fogged by alcohol or the after-effects of glue.” Miss Maski went on, sounding pleased with herself. “But I
can’t help feeling they should use this cash to get a bed for the night or rebuild their lives instead. Also, do they have to be quite so smelly? It’s like Ellie says, having compassion isn’t always easy. Did I tell you
my friend Becky’s gone even further? She offered to take one bum home and cook him some kale but he started shouting about bugs and spiders and she got a bit scared.
“I don’t know why Ellie’s not here to help in person,” Pretalia, who would soon return to her large family home in Suffolk, pondered. “She’d know what to do about this – I told
her Facebook page we were coming and everything.”
In fact, the folktronica star and Hereford’s most famous vegan has come a long way since performing at the Royal Wedding for Prince William and his female baby vessel.
Nowadays, much of her time is taken up with attempts to revolutionize society. To that end, Goudling’s management team are now said to be ‘entirely focussed’ on getting
her into the same room as Jeremy Corbyn. The new Labour leader caught Goulding’s eye when she learned he didn’t eat meat, and Ellie was soon calling on Jeremy to join
her at a ‘summit of ideas’. He hasn’t yet responded to Goulding’s increasingly desperate pleas but the ‘On My Mind’ hit-maker refuses to give up, telling HDUK: “I’ve got
important political things to tell him. And it’s perfect, because he’s a politician.”
Chancellor Unveils Array of Gimmicks to Distract Everyone From What He’s Doing
To the pavement beside a large puddle outside number eleven Downing Street, where Home Defence joins representatives of the fourth estate, marinating in anticipation of ‘Gorgeous’ George Osborne’s upcoming Autumn statement. The UK Chancellor is expected to announce more government policy and swingeing cuts any minute now, because the Prime Minister himself really can’t be bothered anymore.
“This is what I’ve got in store for you today, all you lovely, lovely voters of Britain,” Osborne intoned stertorously via a sound system concealed in a tree, shortly after a puff of smoke heralded his appearance in glittery suit and pinwheel hat. “We’ll cut the top income tax rate to strengthen the economy still further and restrict access to education, housing and basic foodstuffs for impoverished young people.”
Mr Osborne then produced two finger puppets from behind the ears of a nearby photographer, toys apparently meant to represent Labour leader
Jeremy Corbyn and Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell. George proceeded to impersonate these men in a silly voice, yelping: “We’ll bankrupt this
country won’t we Jezza?” and “let’s defend our country through pacifist Communism!”
When asked whether this behaviour wasn’t a flagrant attempt to distract voters from his failure to cut the deficit and utter ineptitude on every level,
George shook his head and sneered. Then, as a journalist wondered if the Chancellor really believed low earners could be distracted from their
poverty by such tawdry tricks, Osborne produced a bunch of flowers from the sleeve of his jacket, did the splits and disappeared in a cloud of fake
snow, leaving only a preview of his ‘forthcoming 3-D budget’ projected on the wall of a nearby townhouse.
Theme For Inaugural Calais Film Festival Announced
To the Sangatte Refugee Camp in Calais, Northern France, where thousands of people fleeing the civil war are currently housed in horrendous, cramped conditions.
Here they wait to be processed, hoping to be granted asylum in supposedly safe countries across the globe. But with morale falling and more individuals giving in to
despair by the day, the British government has decided to give these desperate men and women a boost by organising the first film festival in this ferry port’s history.
“Weather permitting, we’ll have outdoor screenings of some of the hottest releases, all dubbed into Arabic so the refugees can enjoy them.” Curator
of the festival Glenda Pabulum (left) told Home Defence. “I’m pleased the British government has given us the funding to set up a big screen and
give the dislocated a window onto a world most of them will never be allowed to see. Of course, that doesn’t mean Britain has eased its strict official stance on refusing asylum seekers. As
David Cameron says, showing everyone here a few flicks is a lot easier than agreeing to take them to the UK. But with four million men and women fleeing their home countries every year
in fear of their lives, it was important to be seen to be doing something.”
“The only formal guideline we have is that at least two-thirds of the motion pictures shown should send the message that the United Kingdom is awful, and only an idiot would
want to live there rather than, say, the lovely welcoming paradise that is Germany.” Mrs Pabulum went on. “To that end, I’ve arranged for a season of Mike Leigh’s most despairing works,
from ‘All or Nothing’ to ‘Naked’ and that adaptation of Thomas Hardy’s ‘Jude The Obscure’ which always leaves audiences suicidal. We’ll also be showing ‘Nil By Mouth’, ‘The War Zone’ and, for
our closing gala, the piece de resistance: ‘Mamma Mia’.”
Along with existing feature films that make Britain appear a cheerless, soul-sucking hell of bigotry, child abuse and perpetual drizzle, specially commissioned propaganda
pieces from the Home Office’s ‘convince them not to come over here, for God’s sake’ unit will also be screened. These include ‘Life In A Ditch’, the fictional account of a family
who make it to Britain only to find themselves homeless before being kicked to death and ‘Cannibal Calves’, a panoramic eight-hour epic that recreates the origins, panic
and hundreds of slow deaths from Mad Cow Disease during the nineties epidemic. But the hottest ticket is an hour-long documentary consisting solely of Theresa May’s face in close up (left)
as she recites an interminable list of all the bad things about our country (“traffic jams, soaring rents, bad teeth, police stop and searches, Ellie Goulding, ‘hippy
crack’, the cost of a pint, racism, Chris Grayling, zero hours contracts, the food…”).
This first Calais Film Festival opens on the 29th of the month with special guest Nigel Farage giving a brief introductory speech in the camp, nicknamed ‘the
jungle’. The erstwhile UKIP leader is expected to tell this audience they’re not welcome in his country, and any of those men he sees before him dressed in rags should think
twice before stealing the jobs of hardworking British people. Nigel will then present Alan Clarke’s neo-Nazi classic ‘Made In Britain’ and spend the entire film laughing his head off.