"Like news, but more random."
with Clint Panzerdivision & Al Likilla
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise

NewsBlast! Arbitrary News Slot: 13/14 August

A British job applicant has protested this week at the "wildly annoying" nature of application forms.

The jobseeker (name withheld by request), currently employed as a temp by a local Wiltshire employment
agency, states that he has been "irritated to the limits of human endurance" by the "fundamentally pointless"
nature of the documentation.

The main focus of his anger is directed at companies who refuse to accept C.V.s, seemingly preferring to have the exact same information copied over directly into "teeny-tiny little boxes", but he has also taken issue with the common practice of enquiring into the candidate's motivation for applying.

"Well duh," said the man, "because the money's better than my rat-ass job at the biscuit factory.  What the fuck do you think?"

No human resources departments have been approached for comment and have therefore been unable to respond to the unfounded accusation that they are all a big bunch of wankers.
Salisbury Man Meets Guy Who Used 
To Play 'Face'
Yes! Yes! Yes!

A Chippenham man claims to have lost one and a half stone in a matter of weeks, using the controversial "no food"

Mr Richard Wheeler (28), an office worker and part-time barman states that "because of the hot weather I haven't
felt hungry, so I haven't really eaten anything."

Doubts as to the veracity of the claim have been quelled by an incontrovertible decline in porkiness, though shortly after making the statement Mr Wheeler was seen chomping his way through a packet of Walkers crisps.

Scientists state that an average human being can survive for approximately forty days without food, using fat and protein stores in the muscles to allow the body to survive.

[Home Defence would like to point out that the "no food" diet is not recommended by doctors.  If you insist on attempting this inadvisable weight loss technique, please ensure that you smoke a lot of cigarettes to avoid the onset of debilitating hunger pangs.  Thank you.]

The much-publicised MSBlast virus failed to wreak a swathe of chaos or pandemonium this week in the home of Melksham website designer Mr Frank Winsley.

Mr Winsley (38) downloaded the Microsoft patch as soon as he heard about the virus and has avoided all associated symptoms, including crippling loss of connection speed and frequent system failure.

He dismisses the suggestion that MSBlast may have been responsible for power shortages across the US Eastern seaboard as being "highly unlikely".
Newsy-Newsy News!

The recent spell of hot weather has been described as "nice" by a popular Chippenham biscuit manufacturer.

"Big Jim" (mid to late-thirties) made the statement on Thursday, in response to allegations that it may have 
been too hot.  Dismissing all such claims, Jim went on to assert that sunshine critics will be "sorry when 
it's gone".

And he's probably right.
A victim of the recent hot weather who is likely missing it right about now.
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To Birmingham, and the NEC, which played host to Memorabilia 2003. This summer the 
annual convention attracted such luminaries as a mud-covered Brian Blessed, Mr. Brittas 
from The Brittas Empire, the rapist guy off of Robot Wars, and Wiltshire's number one 
fanboy, Steven Jeffrey Gibbs (27).

"The biggest draw of the event was definitely Dirk Benedict." Gibbs told HDUK in an 
exclusive interview yesterday evening. "And I was at the head of the queue to meet an 
actor who so skilfully portrayed the complicated character of Templeton 'Faceman' Peck 
in The A-Team."

Benedict, who also played Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica and recently wrote and directed the film Cahoots starring Keith Carradine, was the model of personable professionalism throughout the day, even taking time out to commiserate with Gibbs on the abysmal state of the NEC's catering.

"By the time I got to the front my gut was rumbling something chronic." Bemoaned the 80s TV buff and turf expert. "Face asked whether I was okay and I told him that I ought to be, but the £6 pizza I'd had was inadequate for my needs. As you can see from the photo I'm quite a well-fed lad, so no pisspoor bit of crusty bread with some soapy cheese on top was going to satisfy me."

"I could see why the Faceman is such a hit with the ladies." Continued Gibbs excitedly. "Not only did he express sympathy with my undernourished plight, he also promised to 'have a word' behind the scenes. I couldn't ask for any more than that."

Clutching his signed photo of Dirk standing next to the kind of Corvette he used to drive on television, Gibbs went back to Salisbury happier than a sandboy while Benedict returned to his US home to finalise arrangements for his Dirk & Friends 2004 Fan Cruise around Mexico, for which tickets are still available.
Benedict & Gibbs: "A hit with the ladies."

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