"Like news, but more random"
with Clint Panzerdivision 
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
News.  It's odd, isn't it?  There's always enough to fill a paper.  Even the local papers, 
although they sometimes stretch it a bit.  It's as if they've actually gone out looking for 
trouble.  Clint Panzerdivision says fuck all that. He seeks out the people behind the 
news, before it happens.  And possibly even if it doesn't.  It's an odd notion, and he's 
not sure he's quite got it straight in his head yet.  
Dog Bites Man 

A Bath tutor was distressed this week when a dog bit him on the leg.  

Mr Paul Parker (27) had arrived at the home of an unnamed student when the family's pet terrier attacked, biting him sharply on the ankle.

Mr Parker, who has taught mathematics in the area for over four years claimed to be "extremely surprised" by the incident, which he claimed to be "completely unprovoked".  "This has never happened to me before," he added.

Fortunately Mr Parker was neither badly injured nor traumatised and will not be pursuing legal action.  The animal is said to have been "strongly chastised".
Furniture Factory In Alleged Productivity Fixing Scandal 

A well-known company of furniture manufacturers were this week implicated in a ruse designed to mislead potential buyers.  

Our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Home Defence: "There are there display boards in the factory which show how many consecutive days we've reached our production target.  On Monday there was a problem with the distributors, so the boards were set at zero, but when the purchasers came in on Tuesday all three had inexplicably gone up to ten."

This revelation is unlikely to send shockwaves through the furniture manufacturing industry, but may be indicative of a general trend of minor deception within British middle management.
Couple Shocked By Near Burglary 

A Bristol couple narrowly escaped burglary on Tuesday when their back door was inadvertently left unlocked.  

Mr Benjamin Banyard (27), who lives with his girlfriend, discovered the door late on Tuesday evening, and suspects that it may have been open all day.

"If an opportunist criminal had climbed over the back wall and tried the handle they could easily have gained access to our home," said Mr Banyard.  "They could have robbed us blind.  We were very lucky that they didn't."

This incident has not caused any undue strain on the couple's relationship, and they have vowed to be more careful in future.

Mother Vandalises Own Playstation 

A Melksham mother was involved in an act of domestic vandalism on Wednesday when she took the family Playstation to pieces.

Miss Tina Freeman (28), a mother of two, claims that the games machine was "broken" and that she decided to take it apart "for fun", but subsequently discovered that she was unable to put it back together again.

The device lay in pieces for two days before it was reassembled.

Daughter Courtney (5) was said to be particularly affected by the destruction and, in a separate incident, was sick on the carpet.

If YOU want to be part of a BRAND NEW and BADLY THOUGHT OUT concept in journalism, please contact Clint Panzerdivision - [email protected]

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