Outraged Englishmen Demand to Know Why Scottish Voters Should Have a Say In Future of UK
To the tastefully–wallpapered dining rooms and Saloon Bars of Middle England, where outrage about the way the world is going is constantly being
expressed by upset white men. But the focus of their fear has recently switched, from the amorphous spectre of immigrants, to the threat posed by one
well-spoken and rational Scotswoman; SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon. This tooled-up lady is now widely regarded as “the most dangerous woman in
England" because of her ability to wrestle a man to the ground and snap his neck in five seconds or less.
“Why do the Scotch think they should be allowed to influence our election? They never have before.” Landowner Quinton Du Bong asserted inaccurately over a pint of Dark Mild. “The United Kingdom is for the English – that’s the way it’s always been, that’s how we like it, and that’s the way it ought to remain. There was a vote a while back and those haggis-munchers said they wanted to carry on being ruled by Westminster and the
Queen and English fellas like me. Why the big problem now?”
“I wouldn’t be able to handle it,” his friend Aubrey noted on returning with another round. “Having them in power, with their accents and ginger hair and that Alex Salmond, wanting
to destroy this great country. And why are they all named after types of fish? Sturgeon, Salmon, Plankton McTrout the SNP's Minister for Sectarianism – it’s just weird.”
Indeed, the terror of a so-called ‘coalition of chaos’, which would be very different to the ordered, effective and positive political union Britain has been experiencing for the past
half-decade, is currently being expressed in a wave of anti-Scottish sentiment across England’s green and pleasant lands, fuelled by a media who encourage ‘revenge attacks’ on
any shortbread factory operating south of the border. As a result, many now believe a post-election Labour-SNP coalition will only work if Ed Milliband cravenly allows the Scottish National Party to dictate policy, spending, and whether Ed Balls wears a kilt in parliament or not. So it looks like the UK will once more go for the ‘safe’ option of Cameron, Clegg
and Osborne, harming the poor and implementing civil unrest.
“I’ll be voting Tory, like the Scots should, if they know what’s good for them and don’t want their franchise taken away.” Mr Du Bong nodded as last orders were called. “People
forget you know, but what about Trident?”
When pressed as to what Trident actually was by the others, Quenton went quiet for a bit before elaborating: “It’s a really big boat. Like the QE2, only harder. You know - a symbol
of the ongoing might of the English empire. Yes, that’s it.”
To Southampton on the English coast, where middle class voter and mother of two Esther Boom-Tish (right) has today come to a decision regarding her vote
at the impending General Election.
“Most of the seats round here have always been Tory but Southampton Itchen [her constituency] is always a forward-thinking outpost amid the red. That’s why I moved here with my
husband to start a family.” Esther mused. “But I’ve been torn this campaign. I’m not voting for Milliband because I fancy his brother more, and what Ed did to dishy David wasn’t nice. It alienated a lot of women and
got me a bit worried, about what I should do in the polling booth come Thursday. Luckily, today I made up my mind, once and for all.”
Indeed, Mrs Boom-Tish has since told every political canvasser who will listen the Greens are “the only way forward”, that she cares about our planet and wants to “create a better world for the next
generation”. Esther intends to do this by casting her vote in favour of a movement who don’t stand a chance, either in her locality or on the national stage.
“It makes me feel good, knowing I’m doing something tangible for the environment.” Mrs Boom-Tish went on, blissfully unaware the Greens are led by the perennially underachieving Natalie Bennett;
a woman whose ideology barely intersects with her own. “I can’t wait to see them get their deserved share of the spoils and really shake things up around here.”
But as foot-soldiers campaigning on behalf of Labour or the Conservatives have tried to explain, with the Greens in power Mrs Boom-Tish would quickly be appalled by policies like an increase in tax on her favourite wine, or rising duty for that petrol she burns through twice a day on the school run. Yet Esther is mercifully ignorant of the reality behind this party she suddenly backs and is having none of it.
“Politics is broken, and whatever they say, I know that’s all just anti-Green propaganda.” Mrs Boom-Tish stated, ignorant of the Greens' need to raise an additional £213
billion a year to implement their policies effectively, policies that could plausibly bankrupt this country unless they discover a magical money tree. “I’m telling my friends
the Green choice is the only way to halt climate change and get our country back on its feet!”
In despair, HDUK contacted her husband, one Michael Boom-Tish, to explain his wife’s strict anti-drugs stance was incompatible with the Greens’ legalisation
policy, and those pledges regarding ‘Carbon Capture’ she endorses aren’t scientifically workable. We also mentioned that, without the nuclear power the Greens
eschew, there will likely be a power crisis, leading to blackouts during Esther’s favourite television programmes (‘Call The Midwife’ and ‘Pointless Celebrities’). By way
of response, Michael just sighed.
“I know, I know. My wife would be the first to complain if she saw teenagers smoking pot outside our semi-detached when the Green Party decriminalises cannabis.” Michael told us balefully. “But there’s no reasoning with her. Esther’s got a bee in her bonnet about what she thinks the Greens represent, but this vision doesn’t match the reality. Luckily my wife’s only one person - she’s not going to make any difference. Maybe I’ll hide her polling card on Election Day though, just to be sure.”
“I’m Voting Green!” Says Middle Class Woman Who Would Be Horrified To Know What The Green Party Intends To Do
Voters Who Want Government to Do Everything For Them “Disillusioned With All Major Parties”
With polling just days away and at least two-fifths of the electorate utterly disillusioned by the political process, Home Defence has taken to the streets, greasy
spoons and chain pubs of Britain to find out what's behind the much-professed belief that “all politicians are the same”, once and for all.
“I don’t think any of them cater for people like me, it’s just posh blokes on the telly insulting each other.” Didecai Barnshoot (right) told HDUK. This mother of three expects free dental
treatment for her family ‘as a basic right’ and wants the council to provide transport to and from the surgery as well, a series of promises that fails to appear in any of the party manifestos.
“There isn’t anyone who speaks to me anymore,” she maintains. “Not like the old days, before I was born.”
Indeed, many ordinary members of the public we met (or ‘hardworking hardworkers’ in the official vernacular) were angry nobody represents a significant minority, people who want the state
to take responsibility for every aspect of their daily existence. Everyone from aspiring businesswomen to middle-aged alcoholics to fresh-out-of-college teens expressed frustration at living
in a country where the powers-that-be weren't responsible for getting them into work and ensuring they ate a balanced diet “like they do abroad, in Sweden or somewhere”.
Specific bugbears included major parties’ unwillingness to promise any of the following: Guaranteed parking spaces, a council house that’s big enough, sparkly new libraries within walking
distance and ‘a nice social worker who comes to babysit the kids so I can go out, then leaves the moment I get back without telling anyone’.
“This isn’t about something for nothing, I pay my taxes,” Risk Analyst Blake Nether-Garments told HDUK when we met in an overpriced wine bar. “But I’ve looked into my candidates and none
of them is promising to stop cyclists riding on the pavement nearby, or ensure my street is quieter after 10pm, or build a bungalow for my mum on that bit of waste ground near the garages”.
“Is it too much to ask?” Mr Nether-Garments (left) went on. “To come round and wash my bins every Tuesday, guarantee allotments for all and phone my wife up to reassure her everything’s
okay when I’m out of the country on business?”
“No wonder people are getting turned off by politics.” Blake asserted. “They don’t deal with the stuff that really matters to people, people who want stuff done for them. I’ll always vote, but
since none of these politicians speaks to me. I might have to go and put my cross against the candidate with the silliest name, just to teach them a lesson.”
Cameron Eager to End Prime Ministerial Term and Return To His First Love
In a Home Defence exclusive, we can today reveal that Prime Minister David Cameron has mixed feelings about the future, even as he keeps up appearances for the rest
of the week, during these final days campaigning. Beneath an exterior that continues to project assured certainty for a coming Conservative majority and much
enthusiasm about “finishing the job” of destroying our social foundations, underneath ‘Diddy’ Dave’s puffinesque exterior lurks a very different mix of emotions.
“I’m counting every day now, until it ends. Every hour, actually.” Dave confided to HDUK when we happened upon him in a Westminster pub, the inspirational Chipping Nortoner wearing a top hat and sunglasses by way of disguise as he drowned his sorrows after another hard day flying between counties to pose in hi-vis and appear ‘fucking lively’ on camera. “The last five years have been fun, and I’ve got an awful lot done
in terms of demonising the oiks and alienating the rest of Europe, but in recent days I’ve felt a stirring, a resurgence in my main interest: unlimited wealth, for me and my
“Honestly,” the PM went on. “The last few years have been hell, seeing Tony [Blair] fly around the world, earning a fortune as a corporate speaker and Middle East Peace
Envoy, not to mention his business interests. I see how old Tone’s done for himself and I think – I could do that. And I’d demand more cash too.”
While in public Cameron professes a desire for the ‘great honour’ of leading the UK into another half-decade of arguments, backstabbing and riots on the streets, privately his
mind is already elsewhere, easing into an idyllic, post-Ministerial life counting his money, investing said money, earning more, then counting it again.
“I’ve had offers to sit on the board of half a dozen FTSE 100 companies,” Cameron mused wistfully. “Businessmen never forget a favour, and several leading bankers are
ready to pay me handsomely for a few hours consultancy work if I also attend their annual directors’ meeting. That’s a lot more convivial than having to recite ‘attack
lines’ by rote until I learn them, otherwise [Conservative campaign manager] Lynton Crosby shouts at me. By the way, Labour and the SNP would be a coalition of chaos,
have I mentioned that?”
“Sometimes I wonder why I even go through the motions of pretending I want another term of this,” Cameron sighed, clicking his fingers
to order more drinks from a nearby pleb. “I suppose the façade I’ve built up over time means lying has become second nature for
me, but it’s such a waste. I’m never going to win outright, so that means dealing with cunting Clegg again. No one wants another term
of Vince Cable spouting off, or Danny Alexander hanging around the corridors of power like some awkward adolescent looking for a
pat on the head from daddy.”
“No, conspicuous wealth is the only way forward,” Diddy Dave asserted, a man who is already worth millions of pounds and expects to inherit many more (not forgetting his wife, who is from an even more well-off family). “The Prime Minister’s salary is laughable; it barely keeps SamCam in cheese. What I need to do is tap into that goodwill I’ve built up among the 1% by reducing corporation tax,
selling off broad swaths of British industry and making London a leading haven for tax evading billionaires everywhere.”
Shaking off his disillusionment all of a sudden, Dave pulled out his mobile with the intention of ‘giving Tony a ring’.
“I should stop brooding about the polls and focus on my future for once,” Cameron asserted, smiling. “Maybe Blair can pass me some contacts on the lecture circuit. Then all I have to do
is join an investment bank as their ‘senior advisor’ and leave the dirty, cheap world of politics behind.” The Prime Minister then ended our talk with a drunken grin and a cry of: “Let Boris
have a go instead, see how he does. All I need is cash!”