Westminster, London, and in response to the spate of vicious killers recently convicted by the courts, the Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, has announced a new and innovative measure to satisfy a British public baying for the immediate return of capital punishment. A month ago the government commissioned a study after the outcry against several woman-hating multiple murderers, including Ipswich forklift truck driver Steve Wright and bouncer Levi Bellefield. The white paper’s conclusions have now been received, and they represent the latest example of a Labour Party bowing to the tabloid agenda. Sorry, I mean listening to what the citizens want. “The main reason we got rid of hanging in the first place was the system, it kept executing the wrong people.” Secretary of State For Justice and father of a stoner Jack Straw told HDUK. “That was quite embarrassing. We tried to make up for it by issuing posthumous pardons to the innocent-but-executed likes of Timothy Evans or Derek Bentley and telling everyone it was ‘our bad’, but the families still weren’t happy. It was no surprise when the public lost faith in the whole process. Nowadays, with advances in DNA technology and the gradual phasing out of corrupt seventies coppers in donkey jackets, unjust execution isn’t really a problem anymore. I hope.”
“Unfortunately, research proves that it’s unfair to employ a professional executioner, even with the imminent recession.” Straw added. “They get traumatized easily, this is one super-stressful gig. So Gordo [Brown – Prime Minister] thought the best thing would be to get those commentators and members of the public who were most rabid about wanting to see people
dead, and let them do it for us. We started asking for volunteers, and [right-wing columnist] Richard Littlejohn
signed up immediately.”
The death penalty is historically the means by which society exacts a primal and biblical revenge on its
baddest badasses and the murderously inadequate. The most popular methods of taking an eye for an eye
are decapitation, electrocution, firing squad and the gas chamber, although the UK has historically stuck with
hanging, a method that was enforced until 1964. Then some liberal namby-pambies pointed out that a large
proportion of those executed hadn’t actually done anything wrong, and it all went Thereafter, a trial period of imprisoning killers for the rest of their natural lives evolved into full abolition in 1969, while the final offences British law punished with death (‘Treason’ and ‘Piracy With Violence’) were banished from the books in 1998 when the powers-that-be noticed they were silly. Since then there has been little progress in bringing about the return of state-sanctioned death, until now. “This decision has been taken in response to the growing weight of public opinion that erroneously believes life in chokey at the taxpayer’s expense is an easy ride.” The Home Secretary told the House of Commons. “I’ve seen for myself how effective the death penalty can be in progressive states such as America, China, and er, Iran. Now is the time to bring in a process that will satisfy the rabid, pro-death types, while also getting some celebrities involved. After all, it’s not as if the government doesn’t know what it’s like to have blood on their hands. Look at Iraq.”
Despite the frantic efforts of lawyers, twenty of Britain’s most infamous murderers have now been shortlisted
for execution by individuals who are really keen on their deaths. These include quiet loner Denis Nilsen,
Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe, Soham killer Ian Huntley and smug family annihilator Jeremy Bamber. The
inaugural, all-new state assassination, will feature travelling Chef and violent misogynist Mark Dixie whose
brilliant defence, when accused of killing a girl covered in his DNA, was that he simply found the cadaver and
decided to have sex with it. Oddly, the jury weren’t convinced.
This reprehensible individual will have the flame of his life extinguished by Sun reader and noisy execution advocate Terry Guvnor, a
man selected by chance from those who rang the paper to participate in its recent survey, a poll showing 99% of the British public are in favour of bringing back hanging. Or Sun readers at least. “This is a proper honour, to be the first like.” Guvnor told HDUK on his way to a special ‘death-dispensing chamber’ deep inside Wormwood Scrubs (left). “This is the right thing to do, for Queen and country, and to get ‘im back for that girl he did in. Like me dad always says, blood ought to be on the hands of blokes who want it on their hands. Blokes like me. And that blood should always be the evil blood of a monster. I’m looking forward to this, there’s a right posh do after.”
Home Defence was invited to observe proceedings alongside the family of Dixie’s victim. We watched as Terry Guvnor was assisted in his preparations by the editor of the Daily Mail and vehement execution advocate, Paul Dacre (right). First
Dixie was tied down by Prison Officers, before Terry stepped in to garrotte the convicted murderer with a
length of piano wire, no doubt gaining a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment as the life drained from
Dixie’s body and blood began to appear on his neck. Dixie’s head then turned puce, and at last death arrived
when a major artery was severed, covering Terry and Dacre in the evil beast’s red life-juice.
Unfortunately HDUK found ourselves unable to confirm whether Terry Guvnor was pleased with his achievement as, the moment that final breath exhaled from Dixie’s lifeless and gore-spattered body, the white-faced executioner was led away by nurses. Trembling, and barely able to walk, Guvnor left to have the blood washed off him and be given a strong sedative while Home Defence never saw him again. The champagne reception to celebrate this first execution of the new era was subsequently cancelled. However, the editor of the Daily Mail is said to have suffered no ill effects. Indeed, Dacre drove himself from the prison to a dinner in honour of some very rich businessmen, in possession of a fresh and compelling anecdote with which to entertain his fellow Up next: The public stoning of Rose West by a group of Young Conservatives, scheduled to take place near Hyde Park next Sunday at sun-up.