Where the attempts of a group of ageing backbench MPs and self-styled 'moral
crusaders' to understand and embrace modern youth culture were in tatters this
afternoon. As 68 year old Brian Hopkins (Luton South) adjusted his backwards
baseball cap and threw arthritic gangsta poses outside the Houses of Parliament,
nearby Kate Hoey (Vauxhall) and Alice Mann (Halifax) fondled each other in a
middle-aged version of the taTu routine, oversized school uniforms barely covering vast expanses of
flesh. Meanwhile the capital's press chose to approach the leader of the Liberal Democrat party, Charles Kennedy, for an explanation of this unprecedented behaviour.
"It all started ordinarily enough," said the recently-married Scotsman. "The Home Secretary was setting out his plans for the decriminalisation of hardcore pornography, a move which would prevent profits from the illicit trade funding organised crime, while also bringing us in line with the rest of Europe, when a group of the more backward-thinking members of the house stood up and began haranguing Mr. Blunkett for supposedly inflicting this 'filth' on 'the innocent children of our nation'. After about five minutes of them ranting about the corrupting influence of adults having sex and some recent French film I'd never heard of - without the Home Secretary being able to get a word in edgwise I might add - people like Mr. Prescott got angrier and angrier. Finally something in John just snapped."
Indeed, reports indicate that the Deputy Prime Minister then rose to his feet to shout down the censorous backbenchers, saying theirs was a "typical knee-jerk reaction - confusing the symptoms with the cause" and that it was his democratic right to see "hard cocks" if he wanted to. Warming to his theme, Prescott then called the rebels a group of "moaning ninnies" who were so far behind the times they "probably thought Justin Timberlake was a technical term from the world of commercial logging".
"At this point the rest of the front bench started laughing like drains and making offensive hand gestures toward the back benches," continued a shellshocked Kennedy. "Many of those seated there turned on their heels and stormed out. We thought they'd left on principle and that was the last we'd see of those backbenchers, but a few hours later eight of the worst came back."
In fact this octet of MPs rushed home to hunt through their grandchildren's wardrobes for lo-slung jeans and Nike trainers, trying to prove they could be more "with it" than any language-mangling Northerner with two jags.
"When they stormed back in looking like a caregiver's nightmare with expensive sunglasses on heads
and using phrases like 'we're the heppest cats in here' and 'you dig it, daddy-o?' these MPs not only
disrupted an important session on national security, they also lost any shred of dignity that might have
come with a quiet admission of defeat. I don't see how these misguided backbenchers can believe
they've achieved anything except to further undermine their argument." The Liberal leader sighed and
looked across at Llew Smith (Blaenau Gwent) shuffling awkwardly, his dancing somehow reminiscent of
a sea lion attempting to bodypop.
"Is that Diane Abbott in bondage trousers over there? Jesus, I need a drink."
Parliament expert and writer Danny Sherbert, author of the books Frustrated Competence: The Lives of Backbenchers and A 21st Century Fatty Arbuckle - How Michael Barrymore Was Shafted By The Media told us that this behaviour was an extreme example, although it could be understood in a wider context.
"If we look at the timing of this outburst, it came just a few days before Parliament was due to shut down for the summer break. These backbenchers are simply doing the adult equivalent of letting off steam on their last day in school. This is an example of workers feeling they've been overlooked, then giving vent to all those frustrations which have been building up over the months. Their annoyance can be seen as entirely natural if you consider these people have accomplished nothing of any political relevance in a number of years."
"My advice is just to let them get on with it." Concluded Sherbert. "But don't pay too much attention, it only encourages them."
Unwilling to let the episode pass without some attempt at understanding, Home Defence took the opportunity to quiz Benjamin Connarty, MP for Falkirk East, as he stood outside the Houses of Parliament. Clad in a flourescent sarong and with thinning hair heavily gelled, Connarty was asked why he felt such blatant exhibitionism made his political point more effectively than conventional means, to which the backbencher answered: "Big up my man, I'm with the program, but this pornography sheeit degrades women, you dig?"
We didn't really, and told him so, advising Mr. Connarty that the girls in the adult industry made far more money from appearing in the movies that the guys, plus they were usually the only ones who became stars out of it.
"Maybe baby." Replied Connarty, affecting a dance move somewhere between old-time swing and the jitterbug. "But I don't think y'all get it, know what I'm sayin'?" At which point the MP beckoned toward Kate Hoey, telling her to; "get yo' biscuits over here girl."
