Ten Downing Street, London, and amid groups of British citizens delivering petitions several times a day, there is a growing clamour for Tony Blair to seek psychological help in the light of increasingly ridiculous recent pronouncements. "Business associates and friends of the family are in agreement with some of Tony's most trusted colleagues in Whitehall, they've all had appointments with the P.M. recently." Observed Johnny Revol, political editor for the Daily Mirror newspaper. "These people tend to go in looking pensive, then come out half an hour later shaking their heads. This morning it was Peter Mandelson, when I asked whether he was trying to get Tony to see a shrink he just smiled sadly and said 'no comment'. That lack of denial is enough for The Mirror."
Concerns about Blair's mental state have grown throughout 2004 and political analysts point to his unwillingness to admit there was no such thing as 'weapons of mass destruction' as the turning point. But the Prime Minister's flat-out refusal to accept the reality of our world situation might not have caused such concern had his misjudgement of Saddam Hussain's capabilities been an isolated incident.
"Everyone expects politicians to lie to the electorate occasionally," continued Revol. "Manipulating the truth for the ends of your party is almost a job description for successful leaders, but throughout the last few months Tony's been talking out of his arse so regularly, even slavish devotees like me are demanding answers. We should have seen it coming I suppose, all that crap about Ken Livingstone being 'a disaster for London' back when Blair thought Beardy Dobson could make Mayor. Next Tony tries to convince us there never was a 'deal' between him and Gordon Brown, despite all evidence to the contrary. Then earlier this week he gives a press conference asking us to leave Cherie alone because 'she's clearly the most intelligent and compassionate woman in the country'. The sad part is, he actually seems sincere about
It was during that same press conference that Blair cast aside doubts about his physical health, asserting that the best way for him to recover from bouts of acute stress, stomach pain and heart palpitations, was to redouble his workload until stepping down in 2009. When questioned as to whether the P.M. seriously believed he could govern willy-nilly for another half decade without any serious challenges to his leadership, Blair laughed and told the Sunday Times' correspondent he was "being naïve". As for questions about recent local elections, Tony dismissed his party's terrible showing as "a blip", before describing the war in Iraq as "going very well". When a reporter from the Daily Mail piped up to accuse the P.M. of "talking a load of arrogant cobblers", Mr. Blair responded by saying: "It is not an arrogant government that chooses priorities, it is an irresponsible government that fails to choose". The press conference was then adjourned, leaving newspapermen looking at each other in confusion and muttering; "you what?"
"He's what we call the classic delusional fantasist," Dr. Basil Fruity PHd, an expert in crazed sociopaths,
mass-murdering warmongers, and confused premiers, told Home Defence. "That doesn't mean Blair's
hallucinating, far from it, Tony simply misinterprets reality then forms false beliefs on the basis of that
misinterpretation. Like the idea an increase in armed conflict could bring about peace in the Middle East.
Anyone with a germ of common sense would see that notion's what we call 'bollocks', but Tony sees the
world from such a skewed angle, he manages to convince himself violence begets peace. No wonder the
electorate sees him as someone who talks nonsense, and acts in a worringly erratic manner."
Following this conversation with Dr. Fruity we at Home Defence took our findings straight to the horse's
mouth, door-stepping the Deputy Prime Minister to glean an insider opinion on Blair's continued unwillingness to engage with the real world. After dodging a few left hooks and one tasty haymaker, John Prescott seemed to realise we weren't up for a ruck and deigned to answer us.
"Tony? You're right there lad, I've no bloody clue why the boy won't admit he's had a kicking this year. Thinks he can save the world he does, I just nod and agree with him most of the time. Are you going to When we subsequently got back in touch, Dr. Fruity was quick to go even further. "One day Tony will have to wake up and smell this country like the rest of us." He said. "Then Blair might be forced to abandon those grandiose ideas and understand he is unwell, see how other people determine the length of his run in office and that, by pursuing an American imperialist foreign policy, he's brought the UK into what is effectively an extremely unpleasant pipedream. You see, our P.M. seems to believe he's incredibly important to the future of the planet, when in fact 'Tony Blair' is just a name Dick Cheney keeps forgetting. Interestingly we've found that Blair, in his tendency to avoid truthfulness and come out with factually inaccurate tripe, shares much in common with the former Iraqi minister for information. And Fred West."