To the British National Party’s egg-stained headquarters in Margate where the resurgent organisation is hankered down in preparation for 2010’s general election. Next year the BNP as well as fellow extremists like UKIP and the Greens are expected to record their best ever results thanks to combination of factors; everything from the Conservatives hiding the less palatable elements of their worldview, to the fact that a great many working class Caucasians on this recession-hit isle are both angry and stupid. “For too long the politically correct media machine has used lazy shorthand to state that my beloved party are a big bunch of bigots.” The BNP’s Senior Press Officer Remington Shocker told HDUK when we visited this run-down seaside town for a sneak preview of their policies. “Yet only the British National Party offers a true alternative to the two party system and will succeed where Gordon Brown has failed. We can fix the economy by reversing globalisation and bringing in full employment for all British people.” While 100% employment is a laudable aim, a glance through an early draft of the BNP’s campaign leaflet, with its cover featuring party leader Nick Griffin smiling creepily as a cornucopia of pale children and skinheads frolic behind him, reveals that this ambition would be achieved through ‘work camps’ for the unemployed and the forcible deportation of anyone the BNP hierarchy decided “wasn’t British enough”. Their jobs would then be redeployed to Scallies and Chavs.
“This may sound rather unworkable, and we certainly don’t want to make the mistake of thinking it all the way through.” Remington Shocker goes on. “So ponder this instead; would you rather have a qualified foreign surgeon removing your appendix or an Englishman? A proper Englishman who, while he may not have the right skills during the early part of the procedure, will surely pick them up along the way thanks to that great Bulldog blitz spirit. Personally, I’d much rather have a Brit wielding the scalpel over me, even if he is just some laid-off brickie from Dover rather than an experienced medical professional. That’s because I’m a patriot.”
Indeed, following gains on the London Assembly and several Essex councils, the BNP had been trying to
focus on other issues until their recent conference which was once again dominated by the immigration
issue. In Margate speeches from various pasty and aggrieved party members blamed asylum seekers for,
among other things, high taxes, redundancies, stress, unhappiness, children being fat, children growing
up thick and the recent bad weather.
Endeavouring to get to the bottom of what the BNP characterises as an ‘immigration crisis’, we visited their repatriation offices in Canvey Island where a bleached blonde called Cheryl Spagbol (left) chatted with us. “It’s a very simple policy.” Cheryl advised HDUK. “Our ‘Send Darky Back Where He Came From’ initiative requires background checks on that family-tree web-site thingy and then, if the individuals don’t meet our Britishness levels, we offer them a bribe to leave the country and return to the home of their forebears. Something they’d probably prefer anyway, if they were being honest.”
Before we could interject with a number of obvious inconsistencies Ms. Spagbol began speaking again, more loudly.
“And yes, some people have mentioned that this system could be as big a drain on our resources as processing the occasional asylum seeker or ‘health tourist’, but that isn’t the issue here. We want to protect the national identity. If anyone’s going to take the piss out of the NHS they should be true-blue, dyed in the wool Brits like Ronnie Biggs. What a lovely man he is.”
At this point we tried to ask Cheryl what exactly comprised her defectively-imagined ‘National Identity’ but the woman was already tottering out of the door on her ridiculously high heels, apparently “off for a curry”.
Recent interviews with shaven-headed party grandees have attempted to clarify who would be subject to this
compulsory deportation should the BNP come to power and how it would be decided beyond cursory Internet
research. Nick Griffin subsequently went on the record to say: “We can just tell. We can tell by looking at
them. Now get out of my way, I don’t like the look of those protestors over there. Terry, start the engine –
Griffin’s words have led to speculation that those expelled from the country under a BNP government could include millions of second-generation immigrants, several leading Muslim intellectuals and much-loved TV We sought clarification from Remington Shocker who told us through gritted teeth: “You know, I’d much rather talk about our exciting visions for making this country great again, like the BNP’s support for corporal punishment, or the elimination of foreign imports. Even our trialling of electronically tagged chain gangs for convicts - we’re only thinking of bringing that in for real criminals though. You know, the black ones.”
He went on. “And just because we want to abolish anti-discrimination laws doesn’t mean we’re in favour of discrimination. That’s just silly. Our outlook is all about restoring pride and ending the racism toward whites that successive governments have encouraged.”
HDUK then provided a number of cases clearly illustrating the BNP had been guilty of inventing statistics or highlighting examples of wrongdoing among residents of ethnicity, then using these isolated instances to misrepresent the behaviour of an entire nationality.
“That may have happened, it may very well.” Mr. Shocker, who was slightly drunk by this point, nodded.
“But what you have to remember is that, essentially, we’re racist. The BNP are racist. Very, very racist.
Oh no, I’ve given it all away. Can you leave that bit out?”
The British National Party are expected to poll somewhere in the region of a million votes at the next