Anti-Terror Resources Deployed
To Combat Magic Mushroom Threat
London, and as the city returns to normal after recent terrorist atrocities, the police and Home Office turn their attention to a more prevalent threat, the risk posed by those four hundred outlets which, for the past two years, have capitalised on a loophole in British law to sell psilocybin 'magic' mushrooms. This freely available fungus which has terrified old women, conservatives and people who've never taken Of course the potential threat from suicide bombers and jihadis remains our primary concern." DC Peter Clarke, Head of the Met's Anti-Terror Branch, told Home Defence. "But the police must be seen to enforce all laws, including that recent amendment to the 1978 illegal drugs act which now states mushrooms are as harmful as heroin and crack cocaine."
This ban on all varieties of the psychedelic fungus including the giggly Mexican and more trippy Philosopher's Stone is the work of Minister Paul Goggins, a man who has never tried the substances but knows they're very bad for you. As Goggins told reporters: "For too long adults have been getting off their faces at home with no ill-effects or repercussions. The evil of this particular drug is that there's no comedown and it's not harmful or addictive. I believe that means it falls to the government to instil a sense of responsibility in the populace. To that end we've worked hard to make the growth illegal. Users will find there are ill-effects now, oh yes. You go to prison."
The fungus has a long history of growing malevolently around this country. In the first reported incident a man picnicking with his family in 1799 went mushroom picking in Green Park and accidentally fucked with the brains of his children. He was thrown into prison, but in other parts of the world consumption is as old as mankind. The Aztecs call psilocybin mushrooms 'god's flesh' and there are rumours Lewis Carroll had been imbibing when he thought up 'Alice In Wonderland'. Symptoms of the drug include crying with laughter, a warm tingly feeling, lucidity, euphoria, a greater comprehension of the world around you and its many colours, the ability to make regular tobacco go menthol, and an overwhelming sense of oneness with the universe along with a feeling of peace toward everyone in it. As such it's little surprise a UK government hell-bent on supporting US warmongers should see these mushrooms as a threat.
The official reason for declaring war on this plant, along with others such as cannabis, is that the effects might be harmful to schizophrenics or those suffering from mental illness." Dr. Mark Veldecci, a consultant working with drug educators Transform, told us. "To this argument the obvious response should be; how the fuck would anyone know? I've yet to hear of a test that can tell whether a madman is behaving strangely because he's taken ten grams of Hawaiian or because he's mental. It's like banning strobe lights because some people have epilepsy. Over the past eighteen months half a million people in this country have taken varieties of the fungus and there hasn't been a single Leah Betts-style incident for the tabloids to get worked up about. In fact the only time psilocybin put someone at risk was when a guy from Bristol lay in the road with the expressed intention of 'hugging the world' and almost got run over."
We at Home Defence were similarly unable to find anyone with evidence to support the outright ban. Even the United Nations' Narcotics Control Board, not an organisation which exactly condones drug use, has issued a statement to the effect that they see no reason for prohibiting mushrooms because studies confirm there is no risk.
That's not to say responsible adults shouldn't be warned of the downsides. Constant use can lead to a predilection for nonsense, with seriously messed up people often moving on to experiments with elves and listening to progressive rock. However, to reclassify mushrooms as a class A drug, comparable with the very worst substances afflicting society, inevitably means youngsters who've imbibed psilocybin and enjoyed the experience will now believe the government are also lying about the malignancy of 'smack', 'rock' or 'booze'.
Experts say this government has never admitted they're wrong on anything so far and are therefore
unlikely to back down with this War On Plants. But with thousands of submachine gun wielding
police officers redirected from the terrorist threat to break underground 'shroom rings', and hundreds
of farmers facing arrest and deportation for unwittingly allowing the Liberty Cap mushroom to grow
on their land, things are looking bleak for users whose habit was, until last month, perfectly legal.
"Guess I'm just going to have to go back to the alternatives." Said former mushroom user and
full-time architect Geoff Wilkins. "My weekends are probably going to be more about cocaine and
hard liquor now I can't buy Thai mushies any more, at least until my liver and kidneys give out. I'd
like to take this opportunity to formally thank the misguided do-gooders who've taken my recreational
hallucinogenics away from me. Cheers all."
At the time of writing those Londoners who were unaware of the mushroom ban (which came into effect on Monday 18th July 2005) and approached their regular outlets for a carton of refrigerated Colombian after that date have been jumped on by teams of undercover officers with large guns and are being held at the extra-secure Paddington Green police station. Here they will stay until the British courts have cleared their terrorist suspect backlog, at which point users will stand trial for attempting to procure class A drugs and face up to eight years in Wormwood Scrubs.