You join us as HDUK tags along with the upbeat and burgeoning Tory electoral campaign, operating from a number of rolling bases within mansions, castles and
palaces across England. In order to bludgeon their message into as many heads as possible before May 7th, these top dogs from ‘the greenest government ever’
are travelling by specially chartered private jets, funded by a number of famous CEOs, as they visit every marginal seat to fight down the threat of UKIP or Ed Milliband, Socialist Terrorist.
“A United Kingdom run by Milliband and the SNP would be unimaginably horrendous, like some broad-brush dystopia in a Young Adult fiction series or, as Boris Johnson
has observed, akin to dropping the neutron bomb on London then killing a load of babies.” Chief Whip Michael Gove (left), who appears to be spearheading the Conservative
campaign despite being effectively sacked from the post of Education Secretary for uselessness, told a specially-selected audience of hardworking millionaires in Worcestor.
“With the Tories you know what you’re getting, because you’ve had it stuffed down your collective throats already. Our focus remains
on victim-blaming, the demonization of those who aren’t so well off, an increase in the destitute throwing themselves in front of trains
and, essentially, a load of privileged white men telling everyone they never had it so good. It’s nonsense to claim that only a tiny
percentage of plutocrats are feeling the benefit of our unstoppable economic recovery.”
Mr Gove then invited a number of flat cap-wearing members of the lower class, who had been bussed in specially, to the front so he could “piss on their hats and tell them it’s
Indeed, all across England and eastern parts of Wales (Scotland, not so much) members of the Conservative party are flocking to promote
the latest in their easy-to-understand, truth-free political messages, as conceived by Australian immigrant, hatemonger and cat-murderer,
Lynton Crosby. This propaganda is then disseminated throughout the press, before being embedded in the brains of every Conservative Member of Parliament who repeat it endlessly to
journalists like an army of identical fucking Teddy Ruxpin dolls.
“Don’t let Labour ruin it.” George Osborne (right) intoned at a special, ‘Meet the Gideon’ event earlier in Hampshire. “Don’t let them ruin
an island we’ve turned into a tax haven and refuge for global billionaires so I can make outlandish boasts about Britain’s Gross
Domestic Product. Labour plus SNP equals Satan. Look at our long-term economic plan. Milliband is weak and despicable and
nothing like Ryan Gosling. If you think we’re bad, consider this – the Conservatives will give you whatever you want if you vote us back in. Money’s no object all of a
sudden. Don’t trust Labour - they’ll spend your hard-earned on kitchens. Hard choices, difficult decisions.” The Chancellor of the Exchequer ended his litany of
meaningless non sequiturs with: “Now stop listening. Here’s something for all you scum to look at.”
Osborne then proceeded to unveil a fresh campaign slogan, the Conservatives’ fourth of the past week,
commissioned after previous attempts to capture the imagination of the electorate failed. This billboard depicts
a blue-shaded replication of that famous ‘Bullingdon Club’ photograph with the words: ‘Respect Your Betters –
Vote Conservative!!!’ superimposed over it. There were gasps of admiration, or outrage, or possibly boredom,
before Osborne took a bow and continued.
“Thank you – thank you very much. You’ll laugh, but Conservative Central Office thought there should only be two exclamation marks on there.” George chuckled,
before suddenly turning serious. “But I said no, we want to make an impact. That third point is utterly justified. Because if children, young people and single mothers
are no longer in awe of their betters, where does that put our country? In thrall to Trade Union types, that’s where. Rich people, from minor royalty to land barons to
hedge fund managers, they’re what makes this country great!”
“Take a second and imagine it.” George continued, warming to his theme as the crowd began drifting away. “A party comes to power who are honest, capable, competent and all work
towards a common goal. Difficult to envisage isn’t it? And unsettling. You wouldn’t like that. Most likely you’d be confused and afraid. That’s why the Conservatives say vote for what you
know – austerity, cuts, a man who looks like Iggle Piggle in Downing Street and a sense of shame that you haven’t done better by this point in your life. Unlike me.”
Osborne then put on a chef’s outfit and went into a nearby bread factory to pretend to do baking for some reason.
But as we move into the final days of the campaign, ‘Red Ed’ stubbornly remains in the running to be the next Prime Minister, despite promising to tax penniless millionaires living in
London sheds and redistribute their income to those shirkers you’ve seen on ‘Benefits Shelter’ or ‘Britain’s Scummiest Council Estates’ (above left). In public though, the Tories are
claiming to be calm, when they’re not ‘vibrant’ and ‘bloody lively’.
“We’re not worried, of course we’re not,” Conservative Party Chairman Michael Green, I mean Grant Shapps, a proven liar, told Home Defence. “The core message from now until
polling for everyone is to remember the Labour party brought about the financial crash by keeping too many libraries open and letting housing benefit get out of control. It will
happen again – Ed Milliband could cause a global economic crisis, the first chance he gets. Look into his eyes, you’ll see what I mean.”
“Would you trust a man to keep his promise who overturned the hereditary principle when it came to his own brother? I mean, come on!” Green, sorry, Shapps (left), went on.
“Remember what Labour were about when they got in power before? Invading Iraq, collapsing Lehmann Brothers, calling anyone who expressed an innocent loathing for Polish
people ‘racist’. They’ll do it again, with all their talk of minimum wage rises, improving public services, keeping down fuel bills, balancing the books and failing to privatise the
NHS – it’s all just a smokescreen.”
“When it comes to voting,” Grant, or possibly Michael, asserted. “People need to make their decision knowing what’s in store. Do you want our familiar chaos and
ineptitude, which you’ve learned to live with since 2010, or some newer, more mysterious kind of chaos and ineptitude? You should stick with our Conservative
making-it-up-as-you-go-along approach that could see an EU referendum, the result of which we can’t actually implement if it’s ‘Out’, the entire welfare safety net
removed, hospitals sold to the highest bidder, the decimation of social housing stock to bribe the plebs and a long-term eugenics plan that will make this country
“I know which I prefer, and it’s certainly not helping the disabled.” Shapps-slash-Green smiled. “So don’t hesitate on 7th May – vote for the very rich. Very rich
people are incredibly impressive, with all their lovely clothes, refurbished Agas and beautiful houses in the countryside. Don’t let Labour take their money away!”