The planet earth, 2015, where the relationship between the first world and that plant once decried for causing unseemly
behaviour among white women is developing fast and in interesting ways. Recently Portugal and Uruguay, along with
the states of Colorado, Oregon and Washington in the US, have joined Holland in legalising the sale and consumption
of cannabis, something that has resulted in millions of pounds filtering through to public services; funding education, health and new addiction treatment centres. And with Canada promoting the dispensing of ‘medical marijuana’ through their newly-elected Liberal party and several African countries expected to follow suit next year, it is expected that the majority of the Western World will be regulating the sale
and taxation of the drug by 2020. Yet there remains one developed country unwilling to consider such an initiative. No way, no how.
“This plant is evil, evil I tell you.” British Prime Minister ‘Diddy’ David Cameron advised a gathering of concerned elderly folk and local journalists at Chipping Norton
town hall. “As long as there is breath left in my body, I will do all I can to prevent anyone enjoying this disgraceful shit. My party endorses long prison sentences for
casual users, something the police continue to enforce as a high priority, in spite of all the cuts.”
The man now known throughout parliament as ‘the ham-faced pig-fucker’ then joked: “As a threat to the well-being of Great
Britain, marijuana is right up there with Islamic State and Jeremy Corbyn on hippy crack. Look at the facts – dope smoking
causes schizophrenia, rewires your brain and makes you pull a whitey, just like Jon Snow did when Channel 4 fed their best
newsreader a load of skunk then strapped him into an MRI machine. Check out the footage on YouTube, it’s hilarious.”
“But the whole thing is actually very worrying,” Diddy Dave went on, adopting his stern puffin face. “I would appreciate it if no one here argued that regulated ganja creates
jobs, spreads giggles and provides a low-risk alternative to alcohol while saving the NHS millions and bringing in enough revenue to clear the deficit at a stroke. I’ve heard it
all before, many times, many, many, many times, and I maintain that the personal cost of what I shall now describe as ‘deadly super-skunk’ is simply too high.”
At this point Dud Gulch, a junior reporter for local newspaper the Oxford News and Mail and a young man Cameron would later speculate was “probably a bloody hophead or something” spoke up.
“Mr Cameron, a recent petition to legalise cannabis was signed by almost a quarter of a million citizens and led to the following response from your government.” Gulch (left) noted, reading the
quote: “Legalisation of cannabis would not eliminate the crime committed by the illicit trade.” Dud went on: “Excuse me Prime Minister, but I don’t see how that makes sense. Surely, if the trade
isn’t illicit any more, there can be no crime associated with it because, by definition, no one’s participating in any kind of illegal act?”
Cameron then proceeded to go a spam shade of pink, bellowing: “potheads should all be in prison” and “decriminalisation will never happen in the UK. Not on my watch.”
Mr Gulch later told Home Defence what happened next. “I tried to move on and take issue with the government’s claim that despite the potential opportunity offered by legalisation to raise
revenue through taxation, there would be costs in relation to law enforcement activities, because that sounded like illogical gibberish too. I mean, do they think police will end up throwing
pot-smokers into the cells every night to ‘sleep it off’? Is that what they’re getting at?”
“Unfortunately,” Dudley went on. “I couldn’t finish my question because Diddy Dave started to talk over me. He said something like: ‘Look, I
haven’t studied any of the evidence, I just know I’m right. Then he had me thrown out onto the street.”
Indeed, with every single prohibited substance more easily available than ever in Britain, from MDMA to Heroin, and a House of Commons
report confirming the UK’s “present system of drug classification is based on historical assumptions, not scientific assessment” pressure is
building on the Prime Minister to change his zero-tolerance stance. Critics say any additional money is much-needed, as those in charge prefer disabled people to top
themselves rather than spend a few extra quid on ‘welfare’ which would allow the physically impaired a dignified existence. They claim there are plenty of slices of the hashish
pie to go round, with Britain’s illegal drug market currently running at an estimated £6.62 billion a year. Yes, you read that right.
But much to the relief of Daily Mail readers and millions of others across the country who have never tried pot, Cameron is determined this won’t happen. It seems to be because he
feels it’s more important to pander to those who believe the widespread legal use of marijuana (as opposed to the current widespread illegal use) would somehow precipitate a
societal breakdown far worse than the recent avalanche of booze-induced rioting.
Indeed, Diddy Dave extrapolated his beliefs further in a subsequent interview with ‘Nothing Stronger Than a Cup of Tea’ magazine, a right-wing
publication dedicated to winning the war on drugs. This is a conflict that has been happening ever since 1971’s Misuse of Drugs Act came into force
as our favoured means of incarcerating the addicted, something that has worked well for the past 45 years (at least according to the PM).
“Look, I know people who suffer from chronic pain imagine they get some kind of relief from reefer, and none of them want to be arrested for using it, I’m not a monster.” Cameron is quoted
as saying. “But I’m also all-too aware of the harm this substance can do. Back in my teens, I was as mad for a toke as any young scallywag. Then I got caught puffing away at Eton just
before I was due to take my O-Levels.”
“It was a stressful time,” Diddy Dave (left) went on. “And I was a fool to think being stoned out of my gourd would help with the strains
of revision. Luckily my parents pulled some strings so I didn’t get expelled. The Masters had me copy out five hundred lines of Latin instead as punishment
which wasn’t fun, I can tell you. Thankfully I escaped from my drug hell and, utilising only strong inner resources, a Filofax with details of the country’s most
powerful people and unlimited inherited wealth, I managed to pull through. Many won’t be as strong as me.”
“Cannabis can only ever be harmful to humanity. Eventually the rest of the world will realise that and rescind their so-called
‘progressive’ policies.” The PM went on. “Pot ruins your dieting plans, leads to people buying all sorts of weird implements in
order to smoke it and often acts as a gateway to tie-dye. Worse, imbibing leads poor people to think about stuff and laze around rather than spending their spare time cleaning
“I mean, have you heard how Colorado’s gone to shit ever since they implemented this crazy scheme? You can’t move there now for stoned reading groups and marijuana bouquets
at weddings. It’s immoral, is what it is. To everyone reading this: stick to fags and sugar, you know it makes sense.”
After categorically stating that weed would only be legalised in the UK “decades after I step down” Cameron then left the interview for a country supper with Andy Coulson and
Rebekah Brooks. At this event Cameron reportedly indulged hard, consuming large quantities of brandy and cocaine, the latter described by the PM’s press secretary as “a
proper Tory drug” because it doesn’t encourage empathy with humans unlike yourself or reflection on the consequences of your actions. To the delight of the other guests,
Cameron then jumped up onto the dinner table while the main course was being served to simulate sex with the gaping mouth of a suckling pig.
But the government line on marijuana promises more disappointment for sufferers of conditions this drug has been proved to
alleviate. They include anorexia, migraines, arthritis, muscular dystrophy, severe anxiety, irritable bowel syndrome, insomnia,
chronic fatigue, hypertension, OCD, nausea, Asperger’s, PMS, sleep apnoea, the DTs, gastritis, Tourette’s Syndrome and
boredom. To gain the benefits of this controversial plant, one that has been used to treat pain, depression and loss of appetite since the 19th century, sufferers must
continue to combine the risk of prison with sourcing inferior or mind-blowing product.
However, there is one group of people who will benefit directly from the Prime Minister’s intractability. These are the many hardworking drug dealers associated with the
estimated 3,500 criminal gangs operating across the UK, all of whom are involved in the sale of illegal substances.
HDUK spoke to one of these footsoldiers who wished to remain anonymous, he told us: “It’s very good news for the likes of me. I can easily earn a grand a week, tax free, just by
selling stupidly strong skunk over the odds to desperate middle class people. No one can say I don’t deserve it either, I work really hard.”
“If the Tories were gonna legalise green then build a legitimate industry around it, I'd have to focus on crack or ecstasy instead which is a lot more hassle. Thanks to the Prime
Minister’s guarantee this isn’t gonna happen I've now got a new sense of security. Many dealers like me are currently fighting turf wars or using the profits to buy guns, but
I’m gonna start putting money aside for my retirement and maybe even find myself another babymomma. This is why I always vote Conservative.”