Ten Downing Street, London, where a squad of military police loyal to the Chancellor Gordon Brown have surrounded several buildings in response to shocking events which have taken place over the past few days. As was widely feared, Prime Minister Tony Blair has at last announced he intends to extend his period as head of government from the previous maximum of three terms, all the way up until the Pressure had been growing on Blair to specify a resignation date for months, with the unions calling on him to step down ever since Labour's underwhelming 2005 election victory. Similarly, poll after poll confirmed that half the electorate wanted Tony to resign immediately and give his successor a chance of clearing up the mess. Yet Cabinet insiders, plus several of the Prime Minister's poker buddies, have long maintained that Blair is unlikely to go any time this decade. They cite a variety of reasons, including a desire to see his policies through and gain that all-important place in history. Yet those in the know believe Tony might have made good on his promise to step down before the end of 2009 were it not for his wife.
"Cherie's got him pussywhipped like a motherfucker." Nodded one senior Labour whip who wished to remain anonymous. "Every time Tony brings up the subject by talking about removal men or asking Cherie whether it's worth going to IKEA again before they move, she cuts in to remind Tony they've spent a fortune on interior design and how she's organised a man to come round and put up some shelving. After these diatribes Tony stops wavering for a while and skulks off to his study muttering "what am I supposed to tell Gordon?" under his breath. I swear, that woman makes Lady MacBeth look like Princess Diana."
The pressure on Blair from around the political establishment reached a crisis point during Prime Minister's Question Time on Tuesday when thrusting young Conservative leader, David 'The Terminator' Cameron, led a jeering opposition party as Blair again evaded questions about his departure. Soon several Labour rebels were joining in with a chorus of "For God's Sake Go, Mr. Blair" to the tune of 'Auld Lang Syne', and when order was finally restored a shaky P.M. made the following speech:
"Listen, I know what I said then about going and ah, em I'm not going back on my promise. That said, I'd be doing the whole world a great disservice to leave before my plans have borne fruit. After all, I never specified which year I'd go, how come that turncoat Livingstone gets a job for life and I don't? I should be allowed to see this through 'til the Olympics at least. I'd still be relatively young in 2012, particularly compared with, say, The Pope. Some heads of state put opposition leaders in prison just so they can stay in power. Surely I'm not as bad as them, surely? "Let me stick around for a bit, go on, please. I haven't finished sorting out the NHS yet, or that pensions thingummy. The President probably needs my backing for another regime change too, if someone else comes in Mr. Bush isn't going to have a clue what's happening. George still forgets my name sometimes and there's still the war in Iraq to win. I feel like I've only just started. Look, can you boo a bit more quietly back there? I can't hear myself think"
Shortly after this unconvincing display the Prime Minister was escorted back to Downing Street under armed police guard, whereupon a brief statement was quickly issued, signed by Blair but drafted in a more feminine hand. This notice claimed that the public's ill-treatment of Tony had led him to renege on any declarations of departure before the next General Election, adding in green ink at the bottom: If you bitches think you can do a better job, why don't you come and have a go?
The following day this situation continued to degenerate with reporters and interviewers turned away from the door of No.10 by a Kalashnikov-wielding Cherie clad in combat fatigues. This much-feared lady lawyer then proceeded to make a group of particularly tenacious journalists disperse by firing a round of ammunition into the air. Meanwhile Gordon Brown could be seen on his step next door, tapping a foot and watching through the window as Blair, dressed only in Bermuda shorts and a bandanna, set about booby-trapping the building while yelling obscenities about "collateral damage" and threatening to use baby Leo as a human shield.
As twilight fell on London, any positive outcome to this stand-off seemed a long way away, despite
Fulham football club sending in Steed Malbranque to negotiate with the tooled-up P.M. (who's a big
fan). This Premiership midfielder was ultimately unsuccessful, although he did manage to extract a
few details about the Blairs and their extreme plans.
"The place is rigged to blow! Don't even think about trying to storm us!" Announced Blair through
a bullhorn from his master bedroom a few minutes ago. "I can run the country from up here if need be.
There's enough beef jerky and potted ham stored around the place to last us until 2011." Following a
volley of hostile chants and desperate pleas the Prime Minister responded by yelling: "Don't try and
tell me this is against the law! If Berlusconi can change the rules to make whatever he does legal I
bloody well can too. You just wait, reinforcements are on the way. President Bush has promised to
stabilise my position with a thousand US troops and several attack helicopters, just as soon as he's
made the Middle East safe, so no one had better try anything funny..."
At this point a figure closely resembling one of those jolly fat men from old silent films breached the cordon, punched the guard unconscious and kicked in Blair's door with a cry of "get out of there you daft bugger!" Subsequent footage from CNN captures the next few moments when John Prescott overcomes Cherie in hand-to-hand combat before dragging the Prime Minister away from his former residence, Blair leaving only a trail of fingernails in the hall carpet as evidence of his nine-year stay.