In the wake of an epochal General Election which, this Spring, gave the Conservatives an unassailable 12-seat majority and
proved, once and for all, that basically everyone in this country (or 24% of the electorate) supports progressive policies like
corporate tax breaks, food banks for all and harming the poor, one man has sadly been forgotten amid all the crowing about how
unequal we can make our country; just through hard work and turning a blind eye to suffering.
“The Mayor of London hasn’t had a great few months has he?” Seasoned Boris watcher and one of his more recent ex-lovers, Miss Wreath Cisgender,
told HDUK. “Mr Johnson’s no longer favourite to take over the Conservative leadership in 2020 when the Prime Minister steps down, but this is less to
do with his bumbling and more about wasting £200,000 on three Wasserwerfer 9000 water cannons which the Home Secretary, Theresa May, banned Johnson from using (except in
private, for his own enjoyment). What’s also destroyed his status in the public eye is the admission Boris is “not fussed” that the entire capital’s transport network is currently on
strike, the promised all-night tube isn’t going ahead, and his ‘Boris Buses’ are having to be ‘de-routemastered’ due to endless failings. All this, and the use of public money to pay for
that stupid fucking garden bridge, when many people in London are just grateful if their family gets to live in a skip, especially if the thing is relatively roomy.”
“If I’m honest,” Wreath Cisgender (left) concluded. “I think some of the shine’s worn off. Even those people who don’t listen to Boris and just
like looking at his hair have started to complain.”
Indeed, an anonymous insider lists Johnson’s “inability to accomplish anything” during his eight years as Mayor of London as a key factor in
this recent hit to his ambitions. Meanwhile, Boris’s bid to become Member of Parliament in an affluent West London constituency backfired
terribly when he won outright. Now, to his shock and dismay, Johnson is expected to visit a place that holds absolutely no interest and even
do stuff there. In private, the Mayor has called Uxbridge “boring” then described South Ruislip as “not as good as the northern bit”, admitting
he “only wanted to be an MP to lead the Tories, but then that bugger Dave won and annihilated my plans – for the love of whiff whaff!”
Yes, Boris Johnson, that barrelling trouser snake of Bullingdon club fame, looked destined for the scrapheap of history. That is, until earlier today, when a special ceremony
was held outside the Houses of Parliament. Here Prime Minister ‘Diddy’ David Cameron unveiled Bojo as his new Cabinet mascot or ‘jester without portfolio’. For the new role Johnson will be charged with many duties
during the Conservatives’ upcoming ‘five year reign’, from entertaining the troops on numerous military missions, to responsibility for practical jokes whenever parliament
is in session.
“Boris here is one of my oldest and fattest friends,” Cameron intoned after removing the sheet he’d been using to cover the current
Mayor, revealing a confused Johnson dressed from head to toe in green lycra and wearing a hat with a bell on it. “It was tragic,
if pretty funny, to see how far my once-mighty rival had fallen. So, in recognition of his time pretending to run the world’s greatest
city on my behalf, the least I could do was find something to occupy me old mate.”
Cameron then handed over to Johnson who began attempting to juggle colourful plastic spheres. Unfortunately these objects soon
escaped his grasp, flying in the direction of nearby members of the press. Those who weren’t hit directly in the face delightedly
applauded this performance, before laughing at Boris’s quips about “not having control over my balls”.
Johnson is now expected to attend Cabinet meetings with Cameron’s front-bench, lightening the mood during policy debate with improvised songs on his custom-made lute, old-timey slapstick and stand-up routines about ‘spineless protoplasmic jellyfish’. He will then ride off to his Islington mansion on a specially reinforced unicycle. But while some claim Mr Johnson must be disappointed at not receiving a more substantial role,
possibly as ‘minister without portfolio’ for transport projects or national street party co-ordinator, the official line is that Bojo remains satisfied with this ‘jesting’ role.
“Boris will still be available to make a difference in key areas, places where his rapport with the general public can be exploited to the full - they absolutely love the big lunk.”
Government spokesman Ring Plater (left) explained to HDUK. “According to the PM, Johnson will be regularly airdropped onto communities with a grievance
against their rightfully elected overlords; places where we might not sort out natural disasters fast enough, for example, or to help with civil unrest, or maybe
reassure parts of Kent where voters think they’re about to be swamped by migrants.
“In such scenarios,” Plater went on, “Cameron finds it difficult to explain he’s doing the best he can and is really sorry. Diddy Dave can’t engage with ordinary
folk - they tend not to be reassured by his insincere PR man’s tone, cold dead eyes and utter lack of human empathy. The PM therefore decided the best way
to restore calm and assure everyone its alright is to send in Boris. Whereupon he’ll do a bit of Morris Dancing, or lead a parade of citizens by thrusting a
gardening implement in the air for no apparent reason. Then everything will be fine.”
“As long as Boris keeps it fun and friendly.” Ring noted. “The last thing we need are more quips about ‘victim mentalities’ or being in-bred. I’m sure it’ll be okay if he just sticks to the skipping
In response to reports that, during his initial ‘probation period’ for the new role, Johnson was effectively ‘Cameron’s bitch’, with the Minister for Restricting Access to Justice,
Michael Gove, mocking this figure of fun by making him wear an outfit that resembled David Shrigley’s design for the Partick Thistle mascot, a team of spin doctors have
come forward to claim this is not the case. So that’s alright then.
And the good news just keeps on coming for Boris, with confirmation he has just signed a deal to write a book about Shakespeare on the
basis that Johnson “saw some of the plays once and quite liked them.” And, in a sneak preview of next Monday’s Telegraph column, Boris
details how he has embraced his new job with enthusiasm, as a ‘rejuvenating break’ from the boredom of the Mayoralty, and a great
showcase for his love of tomfoolery, ‘banter’ and distracting the public from how they’re being completely fucked, day after day.
“This has come along at just the right time!” Boris goes on in print, extrapolating on the British tradition of ‘making remarks’ or ‘larking about’ and describing how his role comes
with specific training for magic tricks (“bunch of flowers!”) and unusual facial expressions. This focus on gurning is expected to hold him in good stead at the next Prime Minister’s
questions, when Boris will stand behind the speaker and whip up Tory backbenchers with comical hand gestures, eye-rolling and a tendency to
puff up his cheeks every time Harriet Harman starts to speak. Unconfirmed reports also suggest that ‘Jester Boris’ may yet hold the balance of power when it comes to the forthcoming
Labour leadership, as the Mayor attempts to infiltrate the process undetected. Once inside he will fart the theme tune to ‘Upstairs Downstairs’, crack everyone up, and undermine the
integrity of the Labour party vote while they’re distracted.
But, as Home Defence was going to press, it appeared that Johnson’s career path might have been comprised once more, with unconfirmed reports he was being usurped in the
new role by a growing grassroots movement, determined to install Jeremy Corbyn as Commons Mascot instead.