North of the English border, where the indigenous tartan and ginger peoples are too busy drinking Buckfast, looking forward to Scottish independence and deep frying things to pay much attention to events of a sporting nature (aside from lining the streets to cheer the recent Olympics win of a grinning Andy Murray, of course). Yet for a nation so exertion-averse, there resides here hundreds of thousands who follow the game they refer to as ‘fitba’, mainly for reasons of drunken Sectarian hatred. Sadly the popularity of the beautiful game is expected to diminish, with the entire Scottish set-up giving its dying breath in the months to come, caught in the downfall of Glasgow’s biggest (non-Catholic) football club, Rangers FC, the implications suffered by the soccer obsessed glens and, erm, lochs of Scotchland. “Not long ago we were laughing our arses off and voting against that club ever being let back in the Scottish Premier League.” Dundee United chairman Warble Unilever told Home Defence ruefully when we arrived at his dilapidated, concrete-themed ground. “What we didn’t expect, by condemning the Protestant Glaswegians to the ignominy of the Scottish ‘Irn-Bru - Made From Girders’ Third Division, that’s Third Division, was that we might be cutting off our noses to spite our collective red face.”
“So far this season our average crowds are down by many thousands, meaning the cash-flow situation at Tannadice has collapsed.”
Mr. Unilever (pictured right with a woman) opined. “I’ve had to let most of our backroom staff go, the banks won’t give me anything to pay the players with, and you’ll have to lend me 50p for the meter to get these floodlights on in time for tonight’s game.”
“I never thought I’d be sad to lose twenty thousand Glasgow Rangers fans overrunning our ground with their poor hygiene, stained kilts and comedy ginger wigs.” Warble went on. “But I am, and my accountant certainly is.” The tragic story continues throughout this land, with higher division clubs experiencing horrendous ‘revenue contraction’ thanks to Rangers’ dodgy previous owners and their
somewhat relaxed attitude to tax. Once the wrong-doing was exposed, the Inland Revenue rejected the possibility of a Company
Voluntary Agreement as a means of paying off the nine million smackers the club owed in VAT and PAYE, meaning Glasgow
Rangers were deducted points, removed from European competition, then finally liquidated on 14th June this year, ending the
club’s footballing life in debt to the tune of £134 million.
Cigar-smoking businessman Charles Green was subsequently able to pick up the historic club and its fifty thousand capacity
stadium for a song, re-launching them several divisions down in the league structure. But for teams who have spent the last six
months giggling behind their hands at Rangers’ plight while telling everyone that ‘The Grrrs’ must suffer the worst possible sanctions, this financial mismanagement has proved doubly trying. “Och, I thought it were just a wee laugh, aye the noo.” Unhappy Celtic supporter and big fan of the Pope, Sporran McRedpudding, told HDUK when we happened upon him in Glasgow town centre. “Now me wee Bhoys are stuck playing pissant clubs with no fans of their own week-in, week-out. There’s bugger all sense we might get beaten, or that any club could challenge us for the title. That’s if fitba even makes it to the end of this season. It cannae go on like this, ye bampots.” Meanwhile the damaging ‘blowback’ for the Scottish hierarchy, precipitated by Rangers playing the likes of Clyde or Annan Athletic whose supporters number somewhere in the double figures on a good day, is of mounting concern to the wider sporting world. FIFA President and
incorrigible feminist Sepp Blatter (right) recently expressed concern that the Scotch national team, renowned for their innovative
‘jings, let’s not concede too many Dougie!’ 4-6-0 formation, would be unable to source the next generation of talent. Meanwhile, men
in suits at world governing body FIFA fretted about this situation for a while, before forgetting all about it.
Others are more positive, like Gers manager Ally ‘Alistair’ McCoist who took to local radio to flash his trademark Question-of-Sport
grin in the wake of the recent Titanic Memorial Cup win against Brechin.
“Just because we don’t have any fixtures against our hated rivals, that doesn’t mean supporters should give up on their mutual loathing, violence and death threats.” Ally (left) smiled in response to a question about Glasgow Celtic. “I’ve put it to Neil Lennon that actual matches are by the by for us. All we need do to recreate the atmosphere of Rangers at their height is charge thousands of Scotsmen top whack to get into Celtic Park or Ibrox once a month, where they can shout abuse at each other. It’s a neat and practical solution that enables Scottish football to recover from near bankruptcy while giving the fans what they want. Carrying on the nation’s most ancient, noble and frightening tradition.” “We need the Scottish F.A. to ratify my idea before kicking things off with a free-for-all at Rangers’ gaff this weekend.” McCoist continued to a shocked female reporter called Morag. “Although when I say ‘kick off’, I mean it in the fighting sense – there’s no sport in prospect. The pitch will be reserved for running battles between supporters, although we'll be selling pies like always, along with cans of Special Brew; God’s own nectar.”
McCoist then shotgunned a golden tin before sprinting off in the direction of a group of fans clad in green and white while yelling: “Who
wants some, eh, eh?”