as told to Al Likilla 

Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Bashar al-Assad: Your Country Is In 
Trouble, Let Me Help!
                                    Hello once again, my very special online fanbase who hang on the al-Assads’ every word! Bashar here, 
                                    to talk at all my friends around the world who love the Home Defending and, more specifically, today, 
                                    I wish to address my pals across the UK.

                                    Good Christ, you Brits are a bunch of fuckwits, are you not? Ha ha ha! What have you done? Voting to come out of proud European Union, making yourselves irrelevant to rest of world who will
                                    now forget about you immediately. You can expect to spend years trying to work out how to take them all on! Yes, you are like shit, weak animal who emerge from womb to discover itself
                                    powerless and with whole life geared to feed creatures higher in food chain through inevitable slaughterhouse destination. What a terrible mess you 
                                    have made of your lives, you big stupid racists! I heard that my pal, Vladimir Putin, was laughing for days after the vote, or maybe that was another 
                                    auditory hallucination (I am getting more and more of them these days). 

                                    Really though, you make the rest of those pricks us noble world leaders have to deal with every day look like models of how to run sane and balanced 
                                    nation state, from bricklayer Donald Trumpington takeover of US war machine to that Turkish numbskull who didn’t even see coup attempt until it was 
                                    in progress! How does a man not spot his enemies getting closer and closer in threatening manner until they are almost upon him? Still, at least Erdogan 
the goat-fucker with his boring tie collection did not mess about when he finally understood. Moral of story this: if people out there disagree with you, have them shot (or at least 
put away then tortured). Erdy-boy could teach your Jezza the tramp much about dealing with such plotting. Freedom of speech and differing opinion only get your Labouring party 
in trouble. You cannot reason with bitter nutjobs like Angela the Eagle or unknown chancer Owen Smith. Have them silenced and your problem is solved.

                                                But we are not talking about your ‘opposition’ (ha!) today. Rather, I know you Brits look to Bashar homeland and think; I wish our fucked-up country was more like happy, stable, Syrian
                                                environment. As it is UK economy go down toilet, bigot ‘Leavers’ happily deporting Poles in spare time and all is truly going to shit. This is a fact my pals; I am increasingly recognised
                                                by international community as safe pair of hands – including by your flabby Foreign Secretary Boris the Trouser Snake, a man who never hesitates to sing my praises in your Daily

                                                Compared to that idiot, puffin-face ex-PM Diddy Dave, I will go down in history as masterful statesman and canny politician, it is true. But do not 
                                                go thinking all the success and respect come easy to Bashar. I have my naysayers too, but you know why they never get the better of me?

                                                I don’t call a fucking referendum, you unbelievable fucking idiots.

Now you know what will happen when you do or worse, hold an election. Leader of country only end up showcasing flaws of your crappy system, the one you call ‘democracy’. 
Yes, you had a democratic vote, well done. All people were given say, now they have spoken and what have they said? Seems to Bashar, entire population of UK simply make loud nurghhh! sound while collectively banging head against some hard surface, again and again. This is totally unhelpful to your betters. Voters must do what they are asked and know their fucking place. No one should have to witness such a retarded display. But now they do, forever and ever. Sucks to be you.

                                                            But wait, if you understand anything about Bashar by now, you know I have limitless compassion for my fellow humans. Just the other day I stepped in when my youngest,
                                                            Karim, begin to garrotte new home help and stop misbehaviour before her head turn entirely blue. With my unparalleled experience of civil war, both starting and winning them, 
                                                            I am truly best man to help you through upcoming BREXIT farrago. I have experience of what it is like to disengage from world, ignore idiots who 
                                                            say I am doing it wrong and bring success in my own way. Bearing this in mind, I now present Bashar advice for new Prime Minister, Theresa the 
                                                            Terminatrix, a woman who, unlike her predecessor, does not appear to have ever fucked a pig in the mouth. Listen up Mrs May – here are 
                                                            Bashar ‘top tips’! 

Never Give The People A Say
I think Theresa ‘May’ have this covered already – ha ha ha! In fact, I very much like the way your new P.M. say she will rule for at least four years, maybe more, before anyone gets to test 
her fury in form of General Election, but still I wish to make this point: no good can come of trusting ‘the people’ to speak with intelligent and discerning voice. Look at the rednecks over in 
US, about to elect a man who eats Kentucky Chicken with a knife and fork, argues with babies, cannot build a decent golf course and the first time Kim-Jong Un mock his hair, you know 
will launch all nuclear weapons at disposal, resulting in end of civilization and life on planet as we know it. Don’t tell me your democratic system is good for everyone when it ends in 
Mutually Assured Armageddon by twats.

                                                            Remorse Is For Pussies – Just Do It
                                                            Theresa, or can I call you Terry? Terry, you’re the top dog now, the queen bitch, and you have one of the finest arms manufacturing industries in the Western World, as bombed
                                                            Yemeni innocents know to their cost. I am an envious Bashar! Would that great and welcoming nation of Syria produce anything apart from rubble, Jihadis and whining. But 
                                                            you Brits very rarely use that delightful firearms tech to oppress your own people, at least not directly. You are extremely powerful now Terry, the new ‘heir to Thatcher’, and it 
                                                            is time to stop your Foreign Secretary from spurting his dirty water cannon all over the place. Remember, Thatch did not hesitate to set police lose on sooty miners, allow
                                                            Leprechaun hunger strikers to starve and blow-up a bunch of ‘Argies’, as I believe you call them, and your country loved her for it! Kill some people, for God’s sake, before 
                                                            your backbenchers start to think you are less the Terminatrix of legend, and more some kind of soft and sweet pussycat. Which means…

Displays of Strength - They Always Goes Down Well
Whether it is winning the Falklands war or participating in fun siege of Aleppo, set your stall out early. Bring in pals to help out (if you have any left after this EU thing). I am 
lucky to have best bud Puta on speed dial. When he isn’t hanging out at Moscow zoo, engaged in fisticuffs with larger animals for entertainment of cheering spectators, Vladimir 
can often be heard to say: “Send more warplanes! Bomb anyone who disagrees with my great mate Bashar!” Putin know as well as I do that ISIS, al-Nusra Front and fucking 
‘moderate’ rebels cannot survive in city no longer able to support life of any kind, especially human. Together we solve Islamic State problem by making terrorist omelette, and 
for that you need to smash up a few eggs. By ‘eggs’ I mean, of course, schools, community centres, churches, maternity wards… the usual. Those of us charged with great
responsibility of reigning over you must make such ‘tough choices’ every single day – it is our job! Sometimes the only way to save a city, or a race of people, is by destroying 
them. Terry May will learn the truth of this proverb for herself, soon enough.

                                                            Project Dignity and Assurance at All Times
                                                            Whether this is through pair of red kitten heels or lengthy diatribe at Prime Minister’s Questions about how you won’t hesitate to implement a Snoopers’ Charter for new-build
                                                            nuclear submarines to target minor terror cells, make sure you go for the jugular; and go for it hard. Please do not think about sending rebel-supporting bastards in Aleppo any
                                                            food or water while I’m besieging them either – that will only make you look weak and undo all our great work together. ‘Free Syria Army’? Don’t make me laugh! They want 
                                                            my head on stake just as bad as those crazy ISIL bastards do, which makes them bad guys too in my book and, more importantly, in Putin’s. Never be troubled by bloody
                                                            bleeding heart journos or what silly United Nations might say either. In my experience people like a decisive leader - one with strong, well-defined chin. As my eldest Hafrez 
                                                            say to me just the other day: “Daddy, there is no problem in world that cannot be solved by cluster bombs, barrel bombing or phosphorescent bombs at a push”. He very into
                                                            his explosive devices that boy, it makes me so proud. 

Remember To Make Time For Family
Your husband is having a difficult adjustment period, probably thinking like I did, that when Diddy Dave step down, Conservative Party choose another puffin-faced chancer 
to lead them, or possibly silly-man Michael Gove, the Human Pob. But remember, you are lucky – the May family have no troublesome kids running around palace 
distracting you, smacking childminders on back of head with bin lids or being unpleasantly homicidal, until you are forced to step in with firm hand and threaten to cut them 
out of Bashar will. Without stresses of young, playful family, you have great chance to make me-time outside work for you and your betrothed! Just the other day my 
fragrant wife Asma demand I stop obsessing over flight path of Russian war planes and have ‘date day’ with her. This mean flying to Dubai for shopping then sitting through 
terrible film ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting’ with Dennis Quaid and Jennifer Lopez. This small price to pay for Asma’s ongoing support and brief end to her 
incessant complaints. Do what you have to and maintain vital equilibrium in domestic setting, all within context of bloody horror engulfing land you rule over with rigid, iron 
                                                            fist. Everyone is a winner.

                                                            My Final Point: You Are In POWER
                                                            So make sure you use that magic word ‘anti-terrorist’, then public will back you whatever, from spying on emails to starving whole generation of children. Siege of Aleppo is 
                                                            not my first humanitarian disaster, nor will it be my last. Do not listen to propaganda from other countries and remember; you have enemies everywhere. But there is an 
                                                            advantage for you, being out of way, failing island state. If worst come to worst, your people can seek refuge elsewhere, going to live in Irish Republic, where Guinness-supping
                                                            blarney stoners very grateful for the business. Or they can build rudimentary sailing vessel to make it abroad, to Iceland perhaps, where everyone live happily in holding camps
                                                            then apply for asylum to Geneva or Luxembourg. After all, if they do not want to live in free and growing empire, who needs the 
                                                            fuckers, am I right?

Yes, that is the key moral to take away from these events Theresa, Terry – if you are in power and do not use it, you will lose it. Then you end up no better than Diddy 
Dave, Jeremy The Tramp or Nicholas Clegg – planks, one and all. Compare them to me or Puta, or that bloke who has ruled Belarus for the past twenty-two years and 
will certainly rule for many, many more, and really, who would you rather be?

Much love, your new friend on the world stage, Bashar.

Follow Bashar and Asma al-Assad on Instagram .