Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
with Clint Panzerdivision
Okay, Fracas fans - here's the deal.  I woke up at half seven this morning 
after a night on the piss and five hours sleep, got into work for eight, pulled 
a fourteen hour split shift, then got home to find I'd left my front door keys 
in my locker.  I've just been back into town to borrow my flatmate's set and 
now, at ten to eleven, I'm home.  I'm also whacked up to the eyeballs on 
horse tranquillisers, which are barely managing to mask the constant 
throbbing pain from an impending dental nightmare, and what I'd really, 
really like to do is have a hot bath and go to bed.
And yet.  
Since I am, as you may have deduced for yourselves, utterly hopeless, I've managed to leave writing this update
till the absolute last minute.
What I ask, gentle readers, is that you look inside yourselves, commune with your hearts and souls, and ask one simple question: do I really want to put this poor man through the turmoil of churning out another ill-conceived, hastily written, one-trick pony hack job which, if I'm honest, I'll probably only browse through before clicking back to one of the other, infinitely superior columnists, whose work continues to educate and delight (or go off trawling for porn) - or shall I display the sense of merciful grace that ennobles the human spirit, enabling man to rise above his bestial origins, and allow him the rest he so sorely deserves?
Here we go then.  Usual format, you know the score by now.  All headlines this time from BBC Sport, since I've got my internet connection back up and can't be bothered to look for my copy of the Bristol Metro.  

First up, McClaren Hints At Revamping Squad  
Steve McClaren, who I thought was something to do with motor racing, is apparently the England manager. 
Well that's confused me already.  What happened to the Swedish guy?  Anyway, it seems that Mr
McClaren has made some sort of veiled comment that suggests he may be considering making changes to
the line up of the English footballing team.  Probably a good idea, I expect.  If they were any good we'd win
stuff, surely.  Or perhaps we do.
Foreign Players Damage England – Warnock 
If Warnock is being literal rather than just xenophobic then I'm glad he's brought it to our attention.  The last thing this country needs is a bunch of overpaid sportsmen running around chipping bits off the Dover coastline and strip logging the Forest of Dean.  I shall be contacting my local MP at the next available opportunity, and urge you to do the same.
Beckham May Return, Says Clifford 
Which I'm sure is heartening news for us all.  Beckham is, of course, the talented celebrity husband of Mrs Victoria Spice, and highly respected in both footballing circles and international metropolitan fashion events.  Clifford, however, is more of an enigma.  Off the top of my head, I can think of either Max Clifford, the charismatic exploitative publicist, or the big red dog.  Well, whoever says it, I'm thrilled.  Where's he been again?
In the Premiership, I discover that Newell Maintains His Stance On Bungs, although this may mean that he'll still take any offer over fifty quid.  Also of interest is FA To Probe Norwich Star Hughes, which might be worth a laugh from the cheap seats.
Jordan Purchases Palace Stadium, I discover to my surprise - though I should point out to the 
BBC that these days she prefers to be known as Katie Price.  Since she's currently worth three and 
a half billion I wouldn't be surprised if Ms Price ends up buying a whole string of stadiums (or 
possibly stadia) if that's what she's into.  Alternatively she might find that the Palace Stadium is a 
bit crap, and send it back.  Celebrities, eh?
It all gets a bit dull after that.  Scottish Premiership, anyone?  Levein Not Interested In Hibs Job
it transpires.  Him and me both, as it happens.  Venus Unsure Of Hibernian Future?  Ditto.  
Nah, that's about it from the headlines.  Oh, but apparently England did quite badly against Croatia 
in some UEFA thing last week, in case you hadn't heard.  If all goes well they'll continue to do 
badly, fail to qualify, and we can all be spared a hideous display of hysterical tabloid 
pseudo-patriotism next summer.  Live the dream, Fracas fans.  
That's it, I'm spent.  Till next time, look after your teeth,
- Clint.

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with Clint Panzerdivision