with Clint Panzerdivision
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
with Clint Panzerdivision, God King of Football Punditry 
"Ploughing his own field since 2003." 

So remind me, I can't quite remember, who was it that correctly predicted Arsenal 
would win the FA Cup Final, and then went on to compound his triumph by accurately 
forecasting England's quarter final defeat in Euro 2004? Oh, was it me? Do you know, 
I think you might be right. Gosh, I must be really good at this punditry lark, eh?  I 
expect some of you are even wondering whether my well-documented loathing for the dreadful game is just a
comedic front, and if my seemingly haphazard columns are actually backed up by highly researched
statistical analysis.

Don't panic, Fracas fans, it's not and they aren't. To prove this, I shall now throw together a last minute
pre-deadline hack job based on the BBC Sport headlines before adjourning to the pub.

Right then, the number one story in the exciting world of Association Soccer is the shocking news that
Robson (Sir Bobby, presumably, rather than Robson Green of Casualty, Soldier Soldier and dreadful cover
version fame) has been forced out of Newcastle. Reading for context, I think it's safe to say that he's been
sacked from his position as manager, and not simply thrown out of the city. I can only speculate as to the
reasons for this incident, but deduce that he's not as good at his job as some people would like him to be.
Newcastle Football club play in black and white stripes, and count ex-England captain Alan Shearer amongst their members. Further information on Robson Green may be found at

Some match results next. The Manchester A-team drew 0-0 with Everton, which was probably quite dull, and Leicester lost 0-1 to Brighton, which was doubtless equally dull, but with an extra goal. Manchester play in red, and are often mistaken for Liverpool. Don't know about the other lot.

I've been hearing quite a bit recently about players moving to other clubs, and suspect this is because the
season has just started, or something. Readers may be interested to discover that Angulo is set to join FA
Cup winners Arsenal, Pompey have landed a new striker and Earnshaw has signed for Baggies. To be quite
honest, that doesn't really mean much to me. It's entirely possible that Pompey are a foreign club, and
"Baggies" could be a made up word. Who knows? However, I can reveal, with marginally less confusion, that the Rooney war is nearing its endgame. This is clearly a reference to Wayne Rooney, who was doing jolly well during that European thing until he hurt himself. I presume that at least two football clubs are interested in signing the player, and that one of them is close to doing so.

In a related story, Cole (Carlton) has recently stated "My heart's at Chelsea", which will surely please Chelsea fans, unless he used to play for Chelsea, then left, and now regrets his decision. That would be quite poignant, wouldn't it? Alternatively he might play for Chelsea but be a bit crap, in which case they wouldn't be particularly thrilled either. Chelsea lies south of Kensington, in the capital city of London.

Finally, Portsmouth play Fulham on Monday. I predict that Portsmouth will win, though I have no basis whatsoever for making such a claim, so don't go out and bet the rent, okay? (Phenomenal! Unless you take into account the fact that I received this column shortly after half-time when Portsmouth were already 3-0 up - Ed)

No further developments on Hollyoaks: Urban Degeneration as yet, though I did do a bit of research. In 
case anyone's been wondering, the evil public school guy was Rob Hawthorne, played by Warren DeRosa; 
Tony's frizzy-haired girlfriend was Carol Groves, played by Natalie Casey, and Leggy is Debbie Dean, played 
by the very lovely and talented Jodi Albert. I was going to do a poster, but it turned out to be too difficult on 
Microsoft Paint, I'll get hold of some hookey software and bodge it up for next time. So there's something 
to look forward to, at least.

There we are then. Criminy, that was actually quite footbally this time, wasn't it? Oh yes it was. Well, more so than usual. No? Ah, bollocks to the lot of you. Bloody silly game anyway.

Clint Panzerdivision will be on tour around various European cities this Autumn with Millwall's "barmy army".

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