Well, if you've been half as excited by the events of the recent "football season" as I have, then I'm surprised you haven't slipped into a coma. Have I made it clear that I'm marginally less engaged with the ridiculous bloody game than I am with the Ben and Izzy storyline in Hollyoaks? Christ, I loathe that pair. Incidentally, when's the cull? I'm sure I read they were planning to massacre fourteen of the more heinously dull characters to make room for more swimming pool action. Personally I'd keep Bombhead, that leggy one with the really short skirts and possibly Tony. Perhaps they could be some sort of crime-fighting trio. Tony would be the brains of the operation, naturally, Leggy could do karate in a sexy way (e.g. wearing leather) and Bombhead could, I don't know, get involved when the plot called for someone to get dressed up in an hilarious manner. Are you listening, T4? Fucking gold dust, What? Oh yes, football. Apparently the season's over, or so I'm reliably informed. Arsenal won, as I'm sure my regular readers will remember I predicted this several months ago. That doesn't mean they win the Football Association Cup though, someone else won that. Leicester City didn't do very well, nor did Leeds. Ron Atkinson made a cunt of himself, and some alleged rapists turned out not to be. Is that about it?
Hah, I wish. But the end of the season doesn't mean the end of the insanity, does it? It doesn't mean you bastards will shut the fuck up for five minutes, oh no. Because just when you think it's all over, BAM! flags out, T-shirts on, lager in the streets, it's the UEFA Cup 2004, or something. Hurrah. Didn't we have this last year? I'm confused. And bored.
What was the name of that evil guy who was in Hollyoaks a few years back? Public school accent, really hammed it up. He was good. I think he died in a fire, didn't he, or was that someone else? I'm thinking they could bring him back to be the show's arch villain. And Tony's old girlfriend the one with the frizzy hair who ended up in the shite BBC2 "comedy" Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, they could get her in too. Evil Public School Guy could kill her off in the final episode of the first series, huge emotional impact, big cliffhanger. Very Buffy.
Ooh, I know what I forgot. Beckham. He was a naughty boy, eh, eh? "Playing away", as it were, heh heh heh... (Don't worry Al, it's only libel if someone actually reads it we're safe as houses.) And did you notice what wee Davey forgot in last week's slamming rejoinder to the press? "I'm a good husband and I love my kids", well okay, fine, but it's not an actual denial, is it? Observant media watchers may have noticed that this is a tactic that politicians use a lot: the old "it's absolutely ludicrous to suggest..." Ludicrous it might be, but is it true? We're on to you, you
Possible titles: 'Tony's Angels', 'Bombhead, PI', 'Hollyoaks Nights' though didn't they use that for one of their post-watershed spin-off things? I quite like 'Hollyoaks: Urban Degeneration' but I'm not sure. Too much, perhaps? Too gritty? Suggestive of Death Wish-style vigilante justice? Maybe so. I'll put some more thought into it.
That Italian manager, Cloudy Rainman, he finally got canned, I see. Liverpool, was he? Didn't really understand all that to be honest, but it was in the news a lot, so I assume it's important. Well, relatively important, working on the assumption that you actually give a crap about the game. There were playoffs today. Don't know how they went. Or who was playing.
UEFA 2004 prediction: several weeks of overzealous nationalistic fervour followed by crushing quarter-final disappointment. And for the record, Tim Henman won't win Wimbledon.
Okay, piss off. Nothing more to see here.
Clint Panzerdivision is the in-house sports correspondent for 'Friendly TV'.