with Mark Piggott

Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Race For The Title 
Who will take the Premiership crown?
As the political season draws to a close, the outcome of the most exciting race for the 
title in decades has the nation holding its collective head. (surely “breath”? - ed)

Will the nation’s champions be the Reds of Man-U-Labour for a historic fourth time in a 
row, led by a dour, grumpy Scotsman who occasionally gets his sums wrong, and whose nose seems to get
longer by the day? (surely “redder”? – ed)

Could the Chelsea (Tractor) Blues of West London snatch the crown, led by a smooth young upstart who
dresses very nicely, helped in no small part by billionaire foreign investors, a friendly media and a nation of
ABU’s (anti bloody unions) crying out for change (but not that much)?

A recent “top of the table” clash televised live worldwide, though rather dull, seemed to point to a victory for the
Blues, but as the two top teams find themselves hampered by dodgy tactics, Achilles heels and a lack of
support in their traditional heartlands, could rank outsiders the “Gonners” led by brainy Arsenic Clegg make a
late bid for the title, or will flakiness under pressure be their undoing?

“It’s too early to tell who will win,” said one political commentator whose job it is to decide who will win.
“The Reds lost their star man, Christony Blairaldo, and everyone said they could never win again,
especially as all the money they made when times were good has simply vanished.

“All the bookies were backing the Blues, but it seems the public don’t have much time for a load of
yuppies in four-wheel-drives who can’t find Blackburn on a satnav. The main problem with the Blues is
everyone remembers how unbearable it was last time they were champions. Do we really want them top
dogs once again?”

With just days to go until the title is decided, some pundits believe the outcome could even be 
so close it’ll be settled on goal difference: the goal of the Reds is privatization and continuing 
financial support for the banks, whereas the goal of the Blues is privatization and continuing 
financial support for the banks. So could the two main contenders actually share the title?

“That hasn’t happened for decades,” said the political commentator when we rang him up 
again, “and it would be a disaster for the nation. Who would represent us in Europe and see 
the national game through a period of unprecedented debt, where the main teams are 
completely remote from their support and spend more time throwing darts at each other 
than united for the sake of the nation? Anyway rugger’s my game. Now please piss off.”

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