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Football Fracas V - The Race 
For The Title 
(Of Sports Columnist)
                DATELINE: SPRING 2004

Good afternoon, Fracas fans. It's a bit of a race against time today, 
since Al's called the last deadline on copy and I... er... haven't quite 
finished putting the polish on my (ahem) final draft, so there's two ways 
we can play this. 

​                                        Option one: 
I make an unprecedented foray into genuine sports journalism and write up the Chelsea / Arsenal game
currently showing on BBC1. 

​                                        Or option two: 
I copy up the notes I made three weeks ago but didn't get round to fleshing out, file the whole damned thing
verbatim and piss off back down the pub. 

What do you say? Notes it is then. And a fine choice, if I may be so bold. 

"Des Lynam is joined by Andy Townsend & Ally McCoist to review today's action as Wolves take on Man Utd at Molineux and Tottenham entertain Liverpool at White Hart Lane." 

Wolves / Man Utd 1 - 0. 
Wes not in Ferdinand's league. 

Spurs vs Liv - tough decisions. 

2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps - a comedy so funny it could have been written by Carla Lane. 

Jamie Cullum - he comes from Chippenham, you know. 

Naked Angels in Beach Paradise. 

Spurs / Liverpool - q. tired, all going a bit fast. 

Plucky Scarborough. 

Grass - Simon Day. 

2 - 1 Tottenham. Postiga off, Zamora on. 

Owen - Docherty handball, ref not seen - cameras, for the love of Mary, cameras!. 
Free kick for other handball (ludicrous!). 
Last chance for Liverpool. 


2 Pints - Rebecki - Arsefish? Corrie woman. 

M'boro 1, Leicester 0. 
2, 3 goals in seconds. Highlights! 

3-2 Macaroni (he he!). 
3-3 own goal. 
Travis Bickle's alka-seltzer. 

Man City 1, Blackburn 1 - so don't care. 

Scott Capurro - fireball! 
Trainspotting 20-somethings. 
Face on fire! 

Well, there we are then. I don't think that makes any less sense than the usual old tripe. If you want you could use it to make your own column - wouldn't that be fun, eh? What if I offered a small prize for the best? Or even a big prize. A gazillion pounds, say - it's not as if you buggers are ever going to take me up on it. 

Oh, while I'm here, I'm sure you've been excitedly waiting for the results of the Football Fracas reader poll, which you'll remember posed the burning question "Should Owen KO Kop?". A stunning one hundred percent of you didn't give a rat's ass one way or the other, which either bodes badly for Mr Owen or possibly for this column. I think we know the answer to that one, don't we? Right, done and dusted. Print it, Big Al.