Well I'm disappointed, people. Disappointed, I say. And not just by Farnborough's 1-3 defeat to Burton, although I'm sure that's been a blow to everyone. I'm disappointed by the shocking, shocking lack of response to the Fracas Christmas Quiz. There I was, dispensing yuletide fun like a cross between Santa Claus and Noel Edmonds (pre-career slump) and what do I get? Oh, I'll tell you. My Home Defence Inbox contains, for the month of January: one e-mail from "Simon", asking if I'd like to buy the domain name www.cornishpasty.net. And that's it. Appalling. Frankly appalling. It's almost as if... and it hurts me to even suggest this... you people don't care about the exhilarating thrills of modern association soccer. Perhaps it's my fault. It's true that sometimes I'm a little over-involved. Maybe I've tried too hard; blinded you with information, confused you by my casual use of sporting jargon, perhaps my all-consuming passion for football has even frightened you. Oh, my dear readers. It's all so obvious now. I imagine you sitting there on that dreadful Christmas day too petrified to reach for the gravy, cowed over your printouts of my terrible quiz and not knowing where to start, like small children quivering under the gaze of a stern Victorian patriarch. I'm so, so sorry. Please believe me, I only wanted you to understand, I just love this game so fucking much...
Two hundred and thirty-two words. Oh, bollocks. And I thought a good rant would get me at least half-way through this accursed column. Ah well, here's some sport.
Here's a vaguely interesting story, on June 30 last year, Birmingham's striker Dwight Yorke chased and caught a mugger after his watch was stolen by three men in the toilets of London nightclub Funky Buddha. That sentence is a bit long, but I wanted to get in the name Funky Buddha, because I liked it. Hey, does anyone remember the TV show Funky Bunker? It starred Craig Charles. And was really shit. Oops... football... The trial continues. Blimey, here's another. Non-league Crawley Town manager, Francis Vines, was arrested after Saturday's 2-0 defeat at play-off rivals Woking. Vines was charged with using threatening language after the match, and later cautioned and released by Surrey police. Crawley managing director Steve Duly said: "The club will be taking no further action against Francis. We believe his actions were no different to hundreds of managers and coaches up and down the country on any given Saturday." This is less interesting. Michael Owen insists he is not unhappy with life at Real Madrid after another goalscoring cameo in Sunday night's 2-1 win at Osasuna. Perhaps he is, perhaps he isn't. I just took that quote straight out of another website. Can't be bothered to read the rest. I think we should take him at his word. Or spit in his eye and call him a liar. One or the other.
Roy Keane is undecided over retirement, apparently. Blah blah blah... terribly dull story. No real point to it.
Nah, that's about all the interesting bits really. The rest of it's all just scores and transfers and that.
Paul Konchesky looks a bit like ET, don't you think? Obviously I haven't got a clue who he is, but it might get a cheap laugh somewhere. Here's a picture....
www.cornishpasty.net is, at the time of writing, still available, and can be purchased from the
well-respected London firm of "Simon" for the very reasonable sum of £200.00, or 375 yankee
dollars. He may be open to negotiation, though my offer of twenty quid has been respectfully
Thank you all very much for coming. I wish I could stay and chat, but regrettably my time is
valuable. Good evening.
Clint Panzerdivision is currently gathering funds to enable him to buy a season ticket for 'The Blues'. Donations can be made via the web-site.