And so, once again, we climb on board the Fracas Train, bound for the Land of Who- Knows-Where? Such adventures we shall have! Such people we shall meet! Oh the larks, the larks! Come then, friends and neighbours, as we embark upon a journey of untold delight through heights and nadirs of online comic football journalism, so long a grand tradition of this proud nation. Let our merry hearts beat with... Today I shall be culling headlines from the sports pages of the online Daily Mail, though in order to maintain a safe moral distance from the continuing decline into inhumanity of this reactionary rag I shall not be reading the
Henry Out For Gunners. Thierry Henry is known for his performances in the Renault Clio adverts, in which he
asks "What's French for va-va-voom?", though no answer is forthcoming. The Gunners are the football team
"Arsenal", much favoured by aging metal band Iron Maiden. Henry will not be playing for them (Arsenal) in an
upcoming match. Iron Maiden are currently enjoying an unexpected resurgence on the t-shirts of small goth
children. See also, AC/DC.
Sir Bobby AND the Tinkerman for Hearts? Robson, obviously. The Tinkerman's more difficult. There's clearly some sort of surprise
that they're both for Hearts, as signified by the implied stress of the upper case, and the phrasing of the headline in the form of a question. Hearts; a football team. Hertfordshire? That's a county, surely. Robson and the Tinkerman will both be involved, in some capacity, with the football team "Hearts". Watch this space.
Defender Hits Back At "Moaning" Shearer. Easy one. Alan Shearer, the captain of "Newcastle" and one time England captain has been having a moan, but what about? Possibly about the newly restricted forty mile an hour speed limit on the way into Box on the Bath-Chippenham A4, that often gets me riled of a workday morning. But the defender - a footballing defender, I surmise - has hit back, perhaps pointing out that although it might slow my daily commute, it's a minor irritation that should be weighed against the safety of a growing Wiltshire community.
Spurs Vs Arsenal: The Battle For Supremacy. A Google search reveals 26,700 uses of the phrase "The Battle For Supremacy" across the internet. It's safe to say that Spurs Vs Arsenal won't be the most interesting of these. I won't waste your time.
Seagulls Finally Get Green Light For New Stadium. You tell me. I could do the legwork and find out who the Seagulls are, but do you honestly care? I mean, if you did, you'd probably know this already, right? Gazza: I'm Here For The Long Haul. He's hauling pies in a sack up the Tyne as part of a charity event to raise awareness of Ant and Dec. Way-ey.
Here's a nicely Daily Mail one: Meet England's Latest 'Dodgy Keeper'. A headline which manages to be both cringingly obsequious and creepily matey at the same time. Lovely. It's a Prince William story, which is so heartwarming I should feel guilty if I didn't share a slice with you.
'Prince William enjoyed a kick about with schoolchildren today on a visit to Premiership side Charlton Athletic. Wearing his Eton house colours of royal blue and fawn, the 23-year-old looked relaxed as he played with youngsters on the London side's football community programme. Taking a turn in goal, he declared "bring it on" before letting four balls into the back of the net. The young boys and girls who had scored against the Prince chanted "dodgy keeper".'
Did they? Did they indeed? "Dodgy keeper", did they shout? Well, what terribly well brought up children they must be.
This delightful tale has rekindled my faith in young people, the monarchy and football itself. Thank you Daily Mail.
And thank you to the Fracas Train which, though currently derailed at Bullshit Junction for the foreseeable future, will
continue to serve a delicious array of drinks and snacks throughout the long winter ahead. Goodnight readers.